Christo et doctrinae

Peter ain't no dummy!

2011-06-13T13:57:00.001-05:00

As is common, my mind took a leisurely stroll through a tangential thought during church yesterday. I can, therefore, only tell you what the first half of the sermon was about. As for the second half, I learned what a "commoner" can do for the kingdom when he knows his bible! In Acts 4, Peter and John are arrested for "proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection from the dead." After spending the night in what was surely less than an ideal establishment, the two were brought before "the rulers, the elders and the teachers of the law . . . Annas the high priest was there, and so were Caiaphas, John, Alexander, and other's of the high priests family." (Seriously, you know they have to be getting tired of this! This Jesus character just won't leave them alone!) I wonder, as Luke is writing, if he's going back to Jesus' trial, when the high priest questioned Him. Jesus asked them why they didn't arrest him in the temple courts, and perhaps the high priest remembered that because they weren't making that mistake again. They nabbed Peter and John as quickly as they could. The morning after the arrest, which was also the day after Peter healed a lame beggar and the spark which lit the fire, they asked, "By what power or what name did you do this?" No denying the healing, they knew the man, they knew he couldn't walk, but they saw him walk (dance, rather) right into the temple courts.
And Peter answered them, "Rulers and elders of the people!" (Okay, just a note here, Peter has no problem going straight up the the CEO and VP's of the establishment with his claims of truth. A measure of boldness professionals in the world have a hard time finding...this one included) "If we are being called to account today for an act of kindness shown to a man who was lame and being asked how he was healed, then know this..It was God." No, that's not what he said. The last three lines there, that's a cop-out. He knows they believe in God and he knows they believe God performs miracles. No, Peter cinches up his belt, takes another dose of boldness and basically says, "if we're being called to account for how we were nice to a lame man, then I am going to tell you what REALLY matters!" Instead of simply explaining the miracle, he takes the opportunity to preach the gospel. To Peter, the miracle is only the sign, and the real efficacy is in the proclamation of the name above all names. The real quote goes like this,

"Rulers and elders of the people! If we are being called to account today for an act of kindness shown to a man who was lame and being asked how he was healed, then know this, you and all the people of Israel: It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth (that name stings the high priest), whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed. Jesus is 'the stone the builders rejected, which has become the cornerstone.' Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved."

After he says this, the high priests, the "mega-church seminarian PhD's" realized that they hadn't been to school and that they were ordinary commoners and were "astonished." What did Peter say? He quoted a portion of Psalm 118. It's Psalm about the salvation of Israel, and Peter knows this. He ties that point in at the end of his quote. But more importantly are the overtones of what he was saying. The Psalm mentions the sons of Aaron (priests) directly, that they should praise the love of the Lord. He then links Jesus directly to the Psalm as being the cornerstone of salvation and in whom they should rejoice. But Peter is indicating that maybe not all are rejoicing (sons of Aaron), that maybe there are some present who are directly responsible for "rejecting the stone" (sons of Aaron). His claims are bold. His claims are right on! And the priests cannot take them on biblically. Peter knows too much, but more importantly, "because they could see the man who had been healed standing there with them, there was nothing they could say."

Peter's boldness and his knowledge of scripture shut the mouths of the learned leaders. He "astonished" them being common and "unlearned." But Peter knew his bible. He ain't no dummy. Along with boldness it is a vital cog in the wheel of evangelism. But what the high priest and elders saw, the one thing that stopped them short of doing anything at all, was the fact that a lame man was standing before them. The healing work of Christ cannot be denied. When Jesus does work in the life of a person, that person then becomes a witness who bears testimony to the power of the resurrected Lord. Just as Peter said. We, like Peter need to know and understand our bibles that we may give answer in a time of question. We must also be bold like Peter, not backing down from the powerful in this world but holding fast that the truth of the Gospel holds the real power. But we must not hold those above the actual healing power and work of our Savior. He and He alone heals. He and He alone saves. Just as it says in Psalms so Peter says....and so should we.

Light and Darkness: Mutually Exclusive

2011-05-25T11:32:00.000-05:00

“And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.”

Charles Spurgeon on Light and Darkness:

“Let there be light.” We who enjoy it should be more grateful for it than we are, and see more of God in it and by it. Light physical is said by Solomon to be sweet, but gospel light is infinitely more precious, for it reveals eternal things, and ministers to our immortal natures. When the Holy Spirit gives us spiritual light, and opens our eyes to behold the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ, we behold sin in its true colours, and ourselves in our real position; we see the Most Holy God as he reveals himself, the plan of mercy as he propounds it, and the world to come as the Word describes it."

The way that we can identify dark sin in our lives is by looking at the light and those things which reflect the light. Scripture, prayer, fellowship, love...by immersing ourselves in these things the light can do nothing other than expose the dark, wipe away the shadows, and show us all that is good. As Romans 12 states, "prove what the good, acceptable, perfect will of God."

"Light and darkness have no communion; God has divided them, let us not confound them. Sons of light must not have fellowship with deeds, doctrines, or deceits of darkness. The children of the day must be sober, honest, and bold in their Lord’s work, leaving the works of darkness to those who shall dwell in it forever. Our Churches should by discipline divide the light from the darkness, and we should by our distinct separation from the world do the same. In judgment, in action, in hearing, in teaching, in association, we must discern between the precious and the vile, and maintain the great distinction which the Lord made upon the world’s first day."

The church who does not divide the darkness from the light in both doctrine and deed partner with darkness and do not advance the kingdom of light. We cannot, as Christians, participate in darkness and expect the light of Christ to advance in this world, they are mutually exclusive and have been since creation. "God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all." (1 John 1:5) At creation God showed us that it is by Him and in Him that light dispels darkness. He is our beacon and our sun and He has given to the church the humble and glorious responsibility of reflecting the light of Christ in this dark world.
"O Lord Jesus, be thou our light throughout the whole of this day, for thy light is the light of men."

Thoughts on Easter pt. 4 "The Cross as Life"

2011-04-25T20:09:00.001-05:00

Easter means life. It is the Christian’s time to celebrate victory over death! And not only do we celebrate Jesus’ own resurrection, but ours as well. Both spiritually in the new birth and also our future hope when all sin, sickness, death and decay will be done away with once and for all. As we look forward to that great and glorious day, we can truly live now in the life that Jesus gives us. The life that he received after his faithful obedience at the cross God also freely gives to us, that we may live like Jesus.

Paul, wrapping up his “death to self” theme to the Philippians writes, “Yet whatever gains I had, these I have come to regard as loss because of Christ. More than that, I regard everything as loss because of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things, and I regard them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but one that comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God based on faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead.” (Phil. 3:7-11)

Here we see Paul sum up how he views his own life by considering all that he has rights to as “rubbish” (the stronger, more appropriate word actually used here by Paul we’ll leave off…let’s just say we shouldn’t use it in this setting). We see evident in his life that he has “suffered the loss of all things…in order that [he] may gain Christ.” The voluntary laying down of rights is the cruciform life Paul entreats each of us to live. But to what end?

First, that we may know Christ. In Paul’s mind, to “know” Christ is to take up the mind and life of Christ. Sacrificial love and wisdom are necessary to genuinely know Christ, here and now.

Second, in addition to knowing Christ he desires to know “the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death.” As we have seen in the previous 3 posts, time and time again Paul’s gaze is toward the cross. Even to know “the power of His resurrection” he becomes like Him in His death. Resurrection life, Jesus’ way of kingdom living, is done by dying! In short...the more we live like Christ, the more we are conformed to his death, the more we willingly lay down toward the goal of Christ and His kingdom, then the more we will live the life of the resurrection. They go, unswervingly, hand in hand.

The power of the cross for all that we do is in dying to ourselves and our rights. The wisdom of the cross tells us that we must have the same mind of Christ, one of sacrificial living. The love of the cross is demonstrated through us to the world as we imitate the demonstration of God's love towards us....the cross. And finally, in all of these, we see the power of the resurrection. The power of new life being poured into earthen vessels, the wisdom for decisions and right, kingdom living, and the love which fulfills the law of Christ. These are the resurrection life, here and now.

"For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall be also in the likeness of His resurrection." Romans 6:5

Thoughts on Easter pt. 3 "The Cross as Love"

2011-04-24T15:11:00.000-05:00

Perhaps no other emotion has evoked such a response as has love. It's needless to recount the endless numbers of poets, musicians, historians, myths, legends, and stories that tell us of all the ways love has affected us, for good and for bad. One thing is fairly obvious, though (in my estimation) . . . love is misunderstood. For most it is an emotion; a feeling or series of feelings that we have toward another person or thing. When we say, "I love you," it generally is meant as a feeling toward something and the hope is that the response will be feelings returned. Romance and it's cousins indeed play a part in love and most men will tell you that if it does not play a part things can go very badly, very quickly. But feelings are not the starting or ending point of love. They are not the basis of love, but can be some of the byproducts of love done right?
What then is love? Our love for God and each other is demonstrated for us, and should find its basis in, the cross. Paul writes in his letter to the Romans, "one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (5:7-8) We sinners, vile and wretched, separated from a holy God because of our sin, being the very filth that He cannot look upon were loved by Him by way of the cross. His son, perfect and kingly, died on the cross so that he could restore us to right-relationship with the God we were so cosmically separated from. And as we dig a little deeper into this demonstration of love, the reality of love in Jesus' death on the cross, we see the picture of how our daily demonstration of love in our lives finds its basis in the cross.
Moving from one apostle to another, we see John recount Jesus' words: "This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends, if you do what I command you . . . This I command you, that you love one another." (15:12-14, 17) As we follow the pattern, Jesus' command to us, His "law," is that we love each other. By sharing our feelings ? By saying nice things and painting each other in light of rainbows and butterflies? No. Love, for Jesus, means dying. Laying down His life is His demonstration of love and we are to love "just as I have loved you." And the crux of it all, the part that we so misunderstand, is that love is self-sacrificial. "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." Jesus willingly died for us as a demonstration of love. And we, in order to love, must willingly die as well. This plays out not in a physical death (although in extremes it can and has), but in a dying to our own rights and desires. To daily "take up our cross" means to willingly lay down the rights we were carrying in order to have free hands to carry the cross. We cannot carry both.
And what of the unlovable? Or loving when we've been wronged? We still look at the cross. "While we were yet sinners . . . Christ died for us." Our "feelings" toward another should not cloud our love. The way of the cross and the pattern of a cross centered life has been set: "As I have loved you."
The cross was God's demonstration of His love toward us filthy sinners. For us to love, whether it is God, family, spouse, children, friends, etc., we must follow the same pattern of laying down all the rights we think we have and have the mind Christ had as He carried His cross. The power of the cross, the wisdom of the cross, and now the love of the cross are all intertwined and carry the same theme: there is power, wisdom, and love by living by the way of the cross.

Thoughts on Easter pt. 2 "The Cross as Wisdom"

2011-04-22T18:37:00.000-05:00

The Cross as Wisdom

For Paul, there is a connection between the power and wisdom of the cross. The wisdom of God, in a very violent way, defeats the wisdom of the world: it crushes it. "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the cleverness of the clever I will set aside." (1 Cor. 1:19) The Greco-Roman culture of the time was one that touted the very best wisdom of the world. Building upon the wisdom of the great Greek philosophers, the scribes of the time looked high and low for the greatest wisdom of the age. In fact, many sought out Paul to learn the great "wisdom" that he taught (Acts 17:16-34). His wisdom was "strange to [their] ears" and he was seen as "an idle babbler . . . of strange deities." (19) The end of the verse tells us why, "Because he was preaching Jesus and the resurrection." Because we know Paul (in his own words) always preached "Christ crucified," this was surely a part of the babbling that went on as he preached. But how does this wisdom crush the wisdom of the wise?
The Roman culture of the day, and our own culture as it echoes theirs, taught as wisdom the necessity of self-love, self-advancement, and personal achievement. The wisdom of God, however, is the antithesis of the world. We are to despise ourselves, consider others as better, forgo all rights we think we have and serve those around us in any way we can. This is the wisdom that Jesus lived by, and in so doing ascended to the right hand of the Father, being "the First born of the dead and ruler of the kings of the earth." (Rev. 1:5) It is by living by the wisdom of the cross that we will see the truth of Jesus' statement "the last shall be first, and the first last." (Matt 20:16) Jesus, putting Himself last for all men and all creation, became the first born of the new creation and began a movement of life governing wisdom not yet seen in this world.
To be a disciple of Jesus Christ is to live by His wisdom. Living by the wisdom of the world sets us up as our own Gods. We become our own governing deity, controlling our own destiny and by so doing we think of ourselves as worthy of praise from those around us for all of our accomplishments. But God will share His throne with no one. By reaching His holy hand into the sewage of our sinful lives, God has placed us "in Christ Jesus who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, that, just as it is written, 'Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord.'" (1 Cor 1:30-31) By being "in Christ" we were given a new wisdom for life. Christ Himself became our wisdom! All that God sees as wise He sees in His Son. We are inextricably tied to the wisdom of God as we are in Christ.
God's wisdom throughout the ages has been to raise the lowly high, make the useless usable, and put the inferior at a table with the best the world has to offer. Living by this wisdom is what brings us the power that so amazingly not only transforms us but also is the power by which God transforms the world. The power of the cross to crush sin is the wisdom of God in "Christ crucified" . . . the same power that conquered sin once and for all conquers sin in our daily lives as we live by the wisdom of God in Christ.

Thoughts on Easter pt. 1 "The Cross as Power"

2011-04-22T12:02:00.000-05:00

Scrolling through the different avenues of social media today I noticed a large number of posts pointing to the death and resurrection of our Messiah. My own was an update about coffee....and sleeping in. I am thankful for the rest of my global Christian family whose thoughts were on Christ this morning and not their own selfish tendencies to brag and enjoy a cup of filtered bean water. That said, I noticed a theme and it struck home, resonating in my heart.
Among those posts was a theme of Good Friday being the "necessary" day for Easter. i.e. "without Good Friday, there is no Easter." Indeed this is true. Without death there is no resurrection. It's a simple truth. What resonated in my heart was a belief of how often I think, "now, if I can just get through the death part in order to get to the life part." I tend to view Good Friday like I would exam week. You have to go through it to get to the holiday but it's not an enjoyable journey. It's simply a necessary part of the road we travel.
My thoughts have been resting here for a long season and it's amazing to me how I still don't "get it." My initial thoughts upon waking up are how I can "live" and all the things I can do with my life. Sleeping in, drinking coffee, having a day off of work...all a picture of my selfish "easter." When I should instead be waking up with a mind and heart for Good Friday, and how every day should be a Good Friday.
For the next few days, until that great day we remember death was indeed conquered, I want to look at the cross in four ways.

The Cross as Power
The Cross as Wisdom
The Cross as Love
The Cross as Life

The Cross as Power

"We preach Christ Crucified . . . to those who are the called . . . Christ the power of God." (1 Cor. 1:23-24 selected portions) This is liable to trip someone up. And indeed, the apostle Paul says it does, "to the Jews a stumbling block." (23) One would think any rational human being would stop to ponder, "so what you're telling me that is that "power" comes through death?" That's exactly what we're saying. Paul exhibits what this power looks like . . . it is Christ crucified.
"And when I came to you, brothers, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling. And my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." (1 Cor. 2:1-5)
Christ's death on the cross was a demonstration of both His obedience to His Father (Rom. 5:19) and God's love for us (Rom. 5:8). It is that obedience and love which draws us to Him. "We were reconciled to God through the death of His Son." (Rom 5:10) The power that can do such as thing as make filthy sinners like us reconciled to God is in the demonstration of the power of God, not simply in talking about it. God "demonstrates His love for us" by Christ dying. And this is how the gospel was made so effective in Corinth when Paul was there, in demonstration of this same power. It is not the power of lightning and showmanship . . . it is the power of death and love.
So then, what does this mean for us? The power of God plays out in us when we are obedient on our Good Friday as Christ was in His. Each and every day we must "take up our cross" and follow Him. We cannot simply talk about it, we must die for others. This is the power of the cross. We must wake up each day with the thoughts of Christ, "Today, I am going to die for people out of a love for my Father and in obedience to Him." Having this mind in us is having the same mind of Christ and is power for drawing a lost and dying world to Him.
Our prayer ought be, "Father, give me strength today by your Spirit to have the mind of Jesus. To empty myself of selfishness and conceit and with humility consider others more important than myself. Give me power to be a servant to all and by so doing live out the power of Christ crucified, that people may be drawn to the God who did the same for me."

gratis pro deo

2011-04-10T20:09:00.000-05:00

gratis pro deo..."free and for God"

As Americans, we have a culturally conditioned mindset toward making money. Outside of our basic needs for money; food, clothing, shelter, etc., we have been taught to define success by it. And even if in the secular environment there is a shift toward the "greater good" such as philanthropic endeavors, corporate "community service," and humanitarian aid, there is still a "payment" to be expected on some level. Large corporations give large amounts of money to aid causes but for the payment of recognition and creating a social "environment" to grow the company's base. Employers encourage employees to contribute in the community and offer incentives for them to do so, each incentive very often being the motivation for service at all. And even our churches (and this is the saddest part) "serve" not out of a desire of the heart but because it's hounded from the pulpit, required for church membership, or, in the end, out of guilt. And before I go further, let me add a disclaimer: I am glad that these things are getting done: both on the corporate level and individually...whether wrongly motivated or right. In the end, needs must be met. So whether the needs are being met by multi-billion dollar corporations who do it to get a commercial on TV or a white-collar dad helping in the church nursery because he needed his wife to stop badgering him at home...the poor get fed and the babies get watched. However, if you (we) belong to Christ, our Christ-likeness is reflected in the heart motive toward our neighbor.

The Latin phrase gratis pro deo means "free and for God." Let's look at the two halves: "free" and "for God."

The most important part of this phrase (first introduced to me by Os Guinness in his book The Call) is of course pro deo..."for God." But let's look at gratis first. The apostle Paul writes in his letter to the Colossians, "Whatever your task, work heartily, as serving the Lord and not men. Knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you are serving the Lord Christ" (vv. 23-24). The context of the Colossian letter places the instruction Paul is giving to slaves with regard to their masters. It is an admonition to take what they must do (slaves are ordered, not given options) and instead serve the Lord Christ. Their "payment" ,as such, is stated here to be "the inheritance" promised to all those who belong to Christ. It is not to be understood as another heavenly reward for good deeds; for not talking back to their masters or performing well. Paul's intention here is to say,"your reward is already guaranteed by virtue of you being in Christ...so serve the Lord Christ as your daily worship!" In my own search for my "calling," I have heard over and over almost those exact words: "Chris! Listen to me...your reward, your inheritance, your riches are all sitting in a vault waiting for that last day. Now, serve me without another mention of 'what can I gain from this.'" Like a father both disciplining and encouraging a son, He has been teaching me the gratis of my call. Sometimes we do receive earthly recognition and sometimes there is earthly motivation offered for services rendered, we cannot control that. What we do have more control over is our heart's intent as we serve. "Do not look out for your own personal interests, but instead toward the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus...." (Phil. 2:4-5 ff).

And now, pro deo. What will it take for you and me to understand that we have been "bought" and are now "slaves of righteousness?" The down payment for our inheritance (Eph.1), the promise of our inheritance (Eph. 3:6, Gal. 3:29) and that it will surely be ours is the Holy Spirit. Given to us freely, the Holy Spirit is the power of Christ living through us unto the world. "Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is [a] new creation (just recently learned the connection to the OT language of the "new creation", thus how it reads); the old things passed away; behold, new things have come. Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation . . . therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us." (2 Cor. 5:17-20) I could go on and on with this imagery, but I'll just say this: God sent His King into a foreign country and set up an embassy. The King reconciled the world to Himself by way of the cross, then rose again and ascended to His Father's side. In His place He placed us. We are ambassadors, working out of "The Embassy for Reconciliation," beseeching all the world to be reconciled to God. With that in mind we can say, "whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." Our lives have been made new, and by the power of the Spirit we are to serve others toward the world's reconciliation to God, and ALL OF IT unto His glory...pro deo.

I am not good at serving others and when I am I can sometimes get frustrated by not being recognized like I think I ought. I (we) must keep reminding myself that if my redemption is not a good enough reason to in humility serve my neighbor gratis pro deo, then there is an issue with my heart, and I must repent.

Jesus died gratis pro deo....and honestly, that's all that really needs to be said about it.

how to kill sin once and for all...die.

2011-04-05T10:29:00.000-05:00

"For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21

In a very real sense, what the apostle Paul is saying here is, "If I go on living...it will be dying. And if I die...well that would be great!" Being a Roman citizen, Paul was able to invoke his position in order to get out of prison, escape execution, etc. And, as related here in Philippians, there were times when he thought maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he could just be a martyr and then be with Christ.  It would be to his advantage and a great step up from this life. But, imitating the Christ he loves, Paul makes selfless decisions, remained living on earth as long as he could...serving churches and winning souls.

The Christian understanding of death is two fold: 1) It is our mortal enemy. Our father Adam, by one act of disobedience, gave to us the inheritance of eternal death (Rom. 5:12). But 2) physical death ushers the Christian into the direct company of Christ (2 Cor. 5:8) and rescues us, once and for all, from the grip of sin. So, in a morbid way of thinking, to be free from sin is to, indeed, die. Physically. Although, there is another death, and it is one that we must choose daily.

"For me to live is Christ" is Paul's mantra, his modus operandi, his M.O. Paul takes very seriously what it means "to live is Christ." Over and over throughout his letters he refers not only to Christ but very specifically to "Christ crucified." So for Paul to say "to live is Christ" is to say "to live is Christ crucified." It is the crucified and risen Christ who we are to imitate. To imitate the "love" of Christ, or the "grace" of Christ, or the "humility," "joy," "obedience," "faith," etc. of Christ is to die daily, just as Jesus died. One cannot do any of the others, unless he first truly dies.

This death is two fold:
First, it is a death of self unto God:

"If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Luke 9:23

We see in the death of Christ a complete picture of what it means to give up one's rights; "although He existed in the form of God, [he] did not regard equality with God something to be grasped." (Phil 2:6) To put it another way, "even though He existed in the form of God and had all the rights associated with it, He gave up His own rights," "humbling himself by becoming obedient, all the way to death." Jesus' death was a self-denying obedience to His Father.  The phrase "take up your cross" demands of us the same "death of self." Carrying Christ's cross is not merely carrying with us the fact of His death and all that it accomplished, although that is very true. It is also carrying the very essence of His death. The walk of Christ to Golgotha is the same walk we must daily make. Humility, obedience, sacrifice...His walk is our daily walk. As we daily pick up our cross we are saying, "everything that I think I have a right to I lay down: job, family, spouse, children, money, food, cars, clothes, houses...all of it I deny, and instead I renounce my 'rights' to anything I have." In so doing, we free ourselves from ourselves and make room for the Spirit of Christ to change us. It is a daily, cognitive decision, not a 'one time action.' It is "presenting our bodies as living sacrifices," and "renewing our minds that we may prove the will of God" (Rom 12:1-2). To walk this life free of the sin which so easily entangles, we must first "die" to all that we hold dear.

Second, it is a death unto each other

Our death does not end vertically, it must then transfer to the horizontal realm of our relationships. The sins that we commit against each other stem from selfishness and the "rights" that we think we have over other people. Just before Paul describes the self-sacrificing heart of Christ, he exhorts the Philippians, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility [note the same language of Christ "humbling" Himself by dying] of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourself [think of it this way, 'do not consider equality with your peer something to be held on to']" (Phil. 2:3). The only way we can heed Paul's exhortation, as we continue reading in Philippians, is to empty ourselves of ourselves each and every day, just as Christ did in His life-long walk to the cross. Our love for others is to imitate the love of Christ for us:  a self-sacrificing servitude and love. How much less do we have to give up than He?

Our call is to be separate from the world and sinless. It begins with death and lives in a life committed to the life of Christ in the world and the life of the church beyond ourselves. All in all, our love and obedience to Christ and our love and service to others is the very nature of the Cross. In all that we do we are to have the attitude of Christ crucified. It is our living death. The servant of all servants is our great mirror, and the One whom we are to imitate.

welcome back!

2011-03-30T11:31:00.000-05:00

Having successfully completed over 1 year of not blogging, my mind and heart have been refreshed to begin again. God has been good and gracious this past year (I laugh at even thinking He would be anything different), and what He has taught me has filled up to overflowing and the desire to share, write, teach, and examine life is in full force. There have also been the gracious comments of multiple friends and readers who have persuaded me to pick up my "pen." That they would want to know what I think and read what I write is humbling, and I thank them for their kind words. Hopefully I won't disappoint.

I don't have anything substantive today, but in the next few days and over the coming weeks I hope to have some posts on the following topics (though not necessarily in this order):

How to kill sin once and for all (Luke 9:23)
Calvin's dilemma: Where to begin? (Book 1: Institutes of the Christian Religion)
Finding God to find the self (a commentary on the social dilemma of "who am I?")
Daily Life: What mold are you being formed to fit? (the cross in daily life: a theology of the practical)
gratis pro deo
Calling and vocation (a look at the western church's impact on "work" and the Christian)
Responding to God's call (who, what, and where)

On another note, you can follow the blog (and me) on twitter @chrisperkinson. I will update on Facebook as well.

All in all...welcome back! To me and to you!!

Christo et doctinae, soli Deo gloria

resolutions

2010-03-03T07:37:00.004-06:00

for the past couple of months i have been using Jonathan Edwards' Resolutions as a catalyst for meditation and prayer. i started them around the new year....thinking it was a good time for "resolutions".... and have been slowly making my way through them. this morning's resolution struck me as particularly pertinent to recent conversations regarding my testimony, and for that matter, everyone's testimony.

Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.

most of you, if not all of you, who are reading this have read or know my testimony. and many of you have asked me the question, "would you take it all back if you could?"

yes.

and no.

yes because i hurt more people than i can count and offended to the greatest degree the one, true God. sin is inexcusable and any and every occasion to not sin should be and must be taken. so, yes, i would take it back.

and no because through the whole ordeal Christ found me. if you know my theology you know i believe in a sovereign God who is in complete control of all things, and the road my life went down is no exception. even though i was not with Him, He was in it every step of the way. in it and through it He found me. i will even go so far as to say that He specifically had me walk that road so He could find me in it. knowing and planning all along my fall and redemption, all to the ultimate end of His glory of His grace. i am solely responsible for all of my sin, and He for all the grace of saving me from it. i did all the sinning, and Christ did all the work for cleansing that sin. those were our roles in the story. i am the sinner, Christ the redeemer, and God the Father the giver of life...receiver of glory.

so Edwards' resolution? where i have been is the back story and necessary for what is most important...how, by His grace, i am living today and how today impacts how i live tomorrow. many wonder if i will fail again in the same way i failed before. my only response can be that i am human and outside of the grace and mercy of our loving God i am capable (and even sure) of evil things. but being held inside His grace i am promised in scripture that i am "controlled by the love of Christ" (2 cor. 5:14), and that His Spirit has "sealed me for the day of redemption" (eph. 1:14), and that i am being "conformed into the likeness of His Son." (rom. 8:29) outside of Christ, no, i don't stand a chance. but He has promised these things to those who are His and we can with confidence believe in His promises.

it is my resolution, along with Edwards, that i live the life i would want to look back upon and be thankful for. by the grace of God, and by the love that powers it, i will.

need

2010-01-06T21:39:00.004-06:00

"It is His unending search for us that makes this thing work."

children.

it's what we are.

we need to be told the same things over and over and over again and we still, all grown up and mature, don't get it....

"He must become greater; i must become less." john the baptist
i laughed a little bit last night at how ridiculous i can be as i thought about how often i weigh the needs of myself against the needs of others. and even more so how i weigh my own needs over the desires God has for my life. how often i find myself saying, "i need ____, i really need _____, if i could just get ____," and all the while i completely forget that i NEED Christ. why is it that our "pressing" needs of money, food, shelter and love completely overshadow the innate and glaring emptiness of Christ in our lives? i'm not talking so much about redemption (although it is obviously true), i'm referring more to my own lack of discipline in seeking him out on a daily basis. call it a quiet time, call it devotions, call it prayer time...call it whatever you want. having "one of those" isn't required. what IS required is devotion. what IS required is prayer. the root of the issue, for me, isn't that i don't have those times set aside, it's the root of the issue that my mind and heart don't automatically desire it all of the time. much of the time, at least lately, it seems they don't. i have become greater...He has become less.

what i've seen

this phenomenon comes and goes. some days/weeks i seem to be pretty ok, trusting faithfully and walking a faithful walk. and other days/weeks i'm not sure where i am. i end up feeling lost and not quite sure which way is up. i soon forget that i'm even lost and give up looking for a way out. i get slothful and lazy, wasting time on trivial things and not engaging my mind or body. spiraling downwards i finally end up feeling like i have just "come to" and asking, "where am i? how did i get here?" and, like a child, i cannot remember what it was i was told the last time i got into this mess. i get frustrated that i cannot figure it out, "i think i should pray, yeah, that's probably it." and then when i do i don't know what to say. the ceiling comes down to about nose level as i look up and all the words seem to go no further than my lips, floating all around me and then popping like little spiritual bubbles. it's frustrating. UGH!

so, last night, i composed a prayer that i'm going to carry around with me for when i feel like this. i prayed it last night and at least i felt like it went somewhere. it's simple and it's shallow....but it's honest:

"i don't know what to say or how to pray.

my desires are too often for my flesh...selfish...seeking my own gain.

how do i change my thoughts? how do Your desires become my own?

so many years of sinful living have made my thoughts a storehouse of sin...like a drug habit i cannot break, or an addiction i cannot overcome.

this, again, i confess to You. this, again, is sin bringing me despair and the feeling of helpless hopelessness.

yet i know that in You there is hope and with You there is help.

Lord, this is my time of need: i am so caught up in myself that i cannot see You, feel You, or hear You.

Lord, this is my need: that you open my ears, that You open my eyes, and that You awaken once more the stone heart in my chest and make it alive to You.

Lord, this is my most desperate need: more than money, more than someone to love me, more than peace of mind regarding my future and my past....

....my need is You.

find me....because i don't know where to look for You."

Fear

2009-12-30T16:34:00.003-06:00

I’ve had a nag, and I’ve had it for a few weeks now.

To start, you’re all familiar with the phrase, “I have this nagging feeling that…”. It’s like a premonition, a gut instinct that we get when we know something is wrong, or about to go wrong, but we can’t quite put our finger on it. It’s a sort of emotional déjà vu but before the event/”thing” actually happens. It’s often paralyzing, consuming our thoughts and taking focus away from daily tasks or our relationships. It can take us into the pensive place of the investigator, probing all options and looking for clues as to what will happen, what we might have missed, and the root of it all, “why am I feeling this way?”

Some deep emotions were revived in me a few weeks ago with regards to my past, emotions that I had consciously buried in an attempt to get past them and “move on.” For the past couple of years this has been, for the most part, successful. Life flowed just fine, I could work effectively, friendships were maintained as well as relationships with family. I was coasting fairly peacefully. But lurking below the surface, in a dungeon mostly forgotten, with prisoners only the warden was aware of…a jailbreak was being planned.

As these emotions rose up again and began to invade my daily thoughts, and as instances in my life gave reminders of the past, I started having that nagging feeling that something wasn’t right…and I didn’t at all like the way I felt. It started consuming me more and more. I didn’t want to talk to friends for fear that they would bring up even more of these feelings. I started to take all of me down the winding, dark, concrete stairs into the dungeon. Halfway through my descent I was met halfway by a bulrush of emotion. I couldn’t fight this one. I was helpless.

Two nights before Christmas I had a horrible night’s sleep. I woke up every 45 minutes or so and tossed and turned all night. During the night, somewhere in the middle of one of my “naps,” I had one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had. The dream involved only two people; me and one of my dearest friends. In the dream, my friend was vehemently accusing me of “crimes” committed. It wasn’t loving, it wasn’t friendly, and it sure as heck wasn’t nice. I remember him yelling, pointing his finger, telling me how absolutely awful I was, how my guilt was so glaringly evident to all…his words came across like judgment, and in my dream I felt like a sentenced felon. But the hurtful part, the part that was “nightmarish,” was I believed whole heartedly that this friend had forgiven me everything…and here he was accusing where there was already forgiveness. In my dream it was faith destroying…when I woke up, I had some serious stuff to deal with.

Being forced into dealing with “that nagging feeling” wasn’t the greatest but it was necessary. It seems that many times God has shown me my need by showing me how desperately sick I am when left to myself. (Jeremiah 17:9) It didn’t take me long to start putting the puzzle pieces together…and the dungeon started coming to light. And what rose out of it was the silent character in my life….Fear.

To tell a soldier he need not be afraid of the enemy, of bullets near his head, or bombs falling on top of him, seems silly. Of course he will fear these things…they can kill him and, if not, perhaps seriously injure him. The idea, of course, is to keep the soldier fighting, to convince him to run headlong into these threats despite fear. There aren’t too many soldiers looking for death or pain, and not many of them hope it comes to them. Mankind, in general, takes an unkindly position on situations that cause them harm. What the soldier needs to understand, and in actuality be completely convinced and convicted about, is that his sacrifice is for a greater good. Putting the needs of the many above the one is a cause the true soldier will gladly confront death for. It is a selfless, humble act for his country.

Fear is our mind’s natural reaction to negative stimuli. To be afraid of things that may cause you harm is built in as a survival tool. Instances happen to us in our life that are negative, when we see those happening again Fear kicks in because our minds do not want to have to have the renewed experience.

Fear is what had gripped me so tightly. I’m not a fearful person. I have no known phobias or the like, but in the case of confronting my own demons, my own emotions, and my own future…I was paralyzed by Fear. As my mind re-lived the pain and hurt I went through for years, as well as the pain I caused others, I became fearful. My mind and heart began to close down because I didn’t want to go through it again.

As I look back over the past couple of years, and specifically over the past few months, I can see Fear seeping its way into my daily life. I have been afraid to develop deep, lasting relationships, pursue new avenues in my life, and sometimes even go out in public. I was afraid to meet new people and I would stand in the corner at parties. It is debilitating…and a little bit embarrassing.

I was the prisoner inside the cell. Fear was the warden on the outside, holding the keys. My selfish tendencies to protect myself were keeping me “safe”…out of sight, out of mind. The only association I would make with people, better yet, the only time I was willing to let myself be vulnerable, was when people actually came down into my cell to visit me. It was always on my terms, in my words, in my cell. The love, grace, and forgiveness I have experienced has always been on that level. First and foremost with Jesus. He did not require me to come out and find him. He found me in my dead, sinful state and breathed life into my then lifeless heart. Others followed suit: Friends, family, children, and churches…they all reached out a hand to me, to love and to forgive.

And I came to expect it to always be that way…

And now, for the first time, I see that my cell is open. The warden is there, but he has no keys. He looks at me, like an enemy waiting to attack, and he’s giving me an option. I can pull the door shut, closing myself inside the cell again and wait for people to come to me, on my terms, in my cell, or, I can walk out, confront Him head on and take the grace, love, and forgiveness that others have given me and use it to live in the world.

I fear the pain. I don’t want it. My inclination is to run against it and avoid it at all cost. This isn’t an option.

“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage – I have conquered the world.” John 16.33

The words Jesus spoke to his disciples were intended to give them courage in the face of trouble and suffering. There would be trouble. There would be suffering. He didn’t deny it nor tell them to not be afraid of it. But He did tell them to take courage in the midst of it. Not based on the troubles and sufferings not hurting them, or even killing them…He pointed them to the greater good. They can take courage, go into the world, live in the world, and be with the people of the world and minister to them and love them and forgive them because “HE HAS CONQUERED THE WORLD!”

Living so pensively and in selfish introspection has taken my mind off of everyone around me. Fear took away my ability to love. It took away my ability to serve. It took away my ability to just be me. Plain ‘ole me.

I’m not real sure how to just keep walking out of this dungeon, and I feel a little bit childish even saying a lot of these things. But they are what they are and I am who I am.

So…here we go.

resonance

2009-11-18T21:51:00.003-06:00

res-o-nate (origin: 1870-75; <>resonatus)—verb: to amplify vocal sound by the sympathetic vibration of air in certain cavities and bony structures. syn. echo, oscillate, reproduce, reverberate, ring, sound, vibrate.

i’ve never been to a nascar race…or drag race, or busch series or whatever. it’s just not my thing. but, i hear tales of such events. i hear how the low rumble of the engines takes life inside your chest and goes beyond the sound of engines into the physical rumbling of bones and organs. i also understand this to be the experience of a shuttle lift off, or a building detonation. the physical movement and physics of the event actually cause a simultaneous resonance in the body.

i’m convinced that this happens when we see, hear, or experience a life that is common to our own. when we are in the presence of experiences which are familiar to us, there are emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical resonances that we experience. we see this in movies as we cry along, identifying with sadness, and laughing or smiling as we identify with joy and happiness. we identify with fear and, in turn, get scared.

spiritually this happens as we see joy in a baptism, seeing our own as a happy moment we in turn feel happiness for the one newly baptized. when death comes to a Christian, we feel sadness because death is, indeed, a sad event, but simultaneously we feel joy because we know that there is ultimate healing to come and that this person is with the Great Physician.

but there are those who see baptism and cannot have happiness, or those who see the death of a Christian and cannot, for the life of them, see hope or joy...there is no resonance. the sound of joy is not bouncing off the walls of their spirit. because they have no joy of their own.

over the past three days i have received more emails and messages than i know what to do with. some of them are messages of encouragement, appreciation, or "wow, what the heck?" but there have been numerous emails of people telling me their own story. specifically their story of failing and falling...followed by their story of redemption. in reading my story there was a resonance inside of them. they felt the loss i felt, they understood the pain i had, they experienced sin as i did...but more importantly they experienced freedom from sin, joy in restoration, the joy of forgiveness and the hope of life everlasting. when all of these things happen, sharing the story only reinforces the grace that saved you in the first place. it brings joy to hear of it and, in turn, it brings joy to share it.

this evening i wrote to a friend who shared with me his struggles and Christ's forgiveness. and with all sincerity i'll share here what i shared with him, "nothing cheers my heart more than to see sin conquered and redemption occur. God's glory in your story has only just begun." and it's true!! these past few days have brought a tremendous amount of joy to my heart. to see person after person relate their story of how God saved them from the pit of their own personal hell is remarkable!!! i am indeed so fortunate to be able to smile and maybe even do a little dance (inside my head, of course) at the extent of God's grace and compassion.

the way i've seen it

i have seen countless numbers of people over the past few years find freedom from their sin and pain. and for everyone i've seen find this freedom, it has begun, each and every time, with their confession of the state they're in. everyone of them would tell you that only by freeing themselves of the burden of lies and walking in the light of truth...has change actually occurred. many of them found freedom for a season, only to fall back into the very thing that was destroying them....alcohol, drugs, pornography, abuse, anger, adultery, violence, and the list goes on. it's not the hardest thing you'll go through....but it is the hardest place to start.

most of you who read this and find yourself in one of these categories may not ever speak of it. you'll continue to suffer pain, burden, loss and depression. trust me on this one thing...it won't go away and it will never get better.

here's why:

"cursed is the man who trusts in mankind, and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. for he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but willlive i n stony wastes in the wilderness....the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. who can understand it?" jeremiah 17:6,9

relying on ourselves has produced nothing but pain and chaos. for us and for all around us. you know this to be true because that one phrase resonates so deeply. it's not how it's supposed to be. it's not right. you say that to yourself over and over, "is this what life is? is this whati'm living for?" yes, it is....if you're doing it YOUR way.

a better way?

"confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." james 5:16

and more

"if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9

the context of that verse in 1 john is light vs. darkness. to live as though you have no sin, or that you have no struggles, or that there is nothing wrong is a lie. it's walking in darkness. "if we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." 1 john 1:6 you cannot live a truthful life without confession. there is no such thing in the bible as "private repentance." peter, after denying Jesus publicly confessed. thomas , after doubting Jesus, publicly confessed His Lordship. Paul, after approving murder found every opportunity he could to confess his sin and the grace that saved him from it. "if we walk in the light [truth] as He Himself is in the light [truth], we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." 1 john 1:7 confession not only restores our relationship with God...it restores our relationships with people....spouses, children, parents, siblings....even exes and those we've injured. God's grace reaches beyond what we have done and can, in fact, give us the chance to be forgiven and to forgive.

how do i start?

men: email me. call me. message me. i'll hear you out and give you a safe place to start. if not me then find a man that you trust. perhaps one who's been there before and knows grace. women: find a kindred spirit. a woman you can go to as a mother or sister. full of grace and truth.

whoever it is and wherever....the key is confession. get that burden OFF!! relief, forgiveness, joy and restoration is found ONLY in Jesus Christ and He calls you repent and believe.

He is faithful. He will do it.

He promises He will...and so do i.

a chapter closed

2009-11-15T23:35:00.005-06:00

words usually fail when describing moments that we cherish. our children's births, our wedding day, etc...for me it was the day i was able to go back to the place most least expected. three years and three months ago i was excommunicated from the first baptist church of parker, texas. on grounds of adultery. the deeper, more pervasive sin was my full on deceit about who i was when i called myself "christian," but the other was more tangible, more identifiable. it was born out of the deceit and the ultimate reason for it. in the end, i was removed from fellowship. they broke all contact with me. most see that as harsh and not "loving." to me it was the most loving thing they could have done. they did it right. they did it well. and today, at 1:15pm, i was able to look them all in the eye and say "thank you."

the following is my testimony. it's actually more my life story and so it's a little bit long. it's not what was exactly said this afternoon but many of you will understand greater what they already knew to be true. it's a little lengthy, but my hope and prayer is that if you do read it, perhaps you will be either encouraged in your walk with Christ or, if you need it, an exhortation to deal with the sin that so easily entangles before you get to the point where i was three years ago.

God bless you.

my story as i've seen it:

It has become increasingly intriguing to me how we relish the idea of “stories.” We read books, watch movies and TV . . . we even have “our shows” which we schedule for each week or watch all at once. We even claim a right to manipulate the stories because the producers, writers sometimes stink . . . we tell bedtime stories to our children and grandchildren, and facebook has basically made us into web voyeurs, watching the stories of our “friends” play out on an LCD. We have an inherent desire to safely walk in the shoes of others. We want to walk where others have already walked. We like the road most traveled and mapped out roads are the easy roads, roads of low risk and a relative escape from pain.

The Christian’s story, however, is anything but safe.

Throughout the past couple of years I have had the privilege of listening to many of them. Each of them has been unique yet in a place and time that is close to my own. These stories have not been a place for escapism and pleasure, they have been, instead, places of pain and struggle. Each story, while unique to the story teller, has in a way been my own story played out with different characters, in different places, and for different reasons. And these stories, or what we more commonly refer to as testimonies, are stories of redemption, and inherent in the Christian’s story, unlike other stories, is a natural mirror where we, as Christians, end up seeing ourselves and our stories being played out in the corners of our minds as we listen. Each individual story is also part of a larger story, a story of which we are all a part and in which we all have a voice. The following is my story and I have seen different reactions to it: surprise, sympathy, anger, judgment, compassion, pity, empathy, and so on. In my flesh I try to see these ahead of time. Miss the hard ones and target the good ones. This is selfish, and instead my prayer ought to be that as I relate my story to you that you will find your mirror, wherever it may be, and see the work of Christ in your own life and worship Him as a response to His love and grace. This is the only response acceptable to any account of God’s love and grace in the life of any of His children, and it is my prayer that it will be yours.

Henri Nouwen's book The Return of the Prodigal Son is based on a painting by Rembrandt of the same title. It changed Nouwen's life.

For me, it was Mozart.

On a cool Thursday night, in November of 2006, I laid down to sleep for what I believed to be the last time. This sleep was going to be an eternal sleep. I wasn’t taking my life, I was simply convinced that it was going to be taken from me. I brushed my teeth, I changed my clothes, I readied my bed, and I put on a CD. I lied down in bed completely at ease. No fear. No emotion. Just the truth and acceptance of what was about to happen. As I was lying there I listened to the words of the music on the stereo. It was Mozart’s Requiem. His, “mass for the dead.” Fitting, I thought, for the night that was about to ensue. A little dramatic? Maybe. But when you’re that alone and that ready to say goodbye . . . all you want is what’s real. And for me, death was real. It was the only thing that was real.
The only part of the Requiem that rang over and over in my head that night were the first three stanzas of the Lacrimosa . . . the same three stanzas that sent Mozart running out of his final rehearsal before he died. They read like this:

Mournful that day
When from the dust shall rise
Guilty man to be judged

So there I was. Mournful. Guilty. And about to be judged.

Three and a half months before this night was a Monday. I was sitting at home, awaiting a phone call from a friend to make plans to go out for wings, when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to 5 men, men I knew, and men who in that moment made my heart sink into the pit of my stomach with such fervor that I nearly became sick. Although unexpected, I knew why they were there. Turning around to face the inside of the house I saw my wife already taking our then 4.5 and 3 year old children upstairs. She knew too. She had called them there.

This was the beginning of the loneliness.

The 5 men were from my church. One was the pastor and the other 4 men that he, and the church, highly respected, devout men, lovers of Jesus, seekers of the Truth. Men you should fear. And I did.

They asked me to leave. They were there to see that my wife and children were cared for, in a safe place, and their every need attended to. So, I left. I drove and I drove and I drove and I drove. And I went nowhere. That tends to be the place we most often end up when we run . . . nowhere. I finally settled on a little park near my home and waited. For 2 hours I waited. Have you ever waited to hear the worst news you could possibly hear? No surprises, you know it’s coming but nobody will say it? If you haven’t, it’s nothing short of awful. Those two hours felt like being chained to the bottom of the deep end of a pool, able to come up high enough to see my last breath but not actually take it.

The phone call came, and my lungs reacted as though I had just hit cold water. I met the men in the pastor’s office at the church. “Your wife has left you. She is with friends. Your children are with her. Do not contact them. Do not try to find them. Go home, we’ll be in touch.”

And that was it. No more. No less.

The left me with my thoughts, and they did it on purpose.

I went home and I went directly to my son’s room. I lost control of my knees and sobbing I fell to the floor. I began pounding the floor with my fist, saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” over and over again. I was begging for things to be different, begging to have them there with me, begging for the opportunity to take back the last 10 years of my life. I screamed into the dark void of a Godless night and begged for the opportunity to take back 10 years of lies . . . 8 years of neglectful marriage . . . 5 years of fake ministry . . . and 2 extramarital affairs spanning a total of 4 years.

Phil. 3:4-6 says:
“put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the law, found blameless.”

I was born in Houston, TX. Feb. 24th, 1975. Both of my parents are still living and still married. I have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother. I was raised in a Christian home where my father was a deacon and my mother in the choir. I was in church 3 times a week for the first 18 years of my life . . . the same church, for the first 18 years of my life. I confessed Christ when I was 9 and for the next 9 years was the model Christian child. I was a leader in the youth group and an advocate for Christ at my schools. In high school I decided that full time ministry was my future. I was leading worship, bible studies, and was a “go to guy” for most of what we did. My family had a reputation of the “model Christian family” and for the most part we were. We had our struggles, but all in all . . . it was good. Except for me.

I was introduced to pornography at 9, about the same time I felt neglected by my father. I developed a sinful craving that was never satiated and so I fed the craving however I could. I grew more and more distant from my father especially as I saw him taking what I perceived to be more of an interest in my younger brother than me. Resentment ensued and I clung harder and faster to relationships outside of my family. My intimate relationships were numerous and always serious, casual dating wasn’t something I was interested in. I needed the connection. I needed my needs to be met and I sought relationships that could do that, manipulating them to fit my needs. All the while outwardly being the model Christian boy. Typical struggles? Maybe. Maybe not.

I went to college at a small, private Baptist university in central TX where I double majored in literature and religion. I was the worship leader for a bible study on Thursday nights which ran anywhere from 100 to 300 in attendance and I did this for 3.5 years. During that time I met my future wife and pursued with her a relationship which was outwardly godly but privately sinful. We were married in the summer of 1998 and the following year I started at Dallas Theological Seminary with two of my closest friends. There we had the reputation of being “forefront thinkers.” A little “ahead of the curve” in terms of what was being taught. Expectations were a little higher. At least, I thought they were. My wife was teaching and I was going to school, and it was here . . . in a mecca for Christian study and preparation for ministry that I truly died. I still had a craving for relationship, and because my marriage was based on my selfish needs and not a desire to freely give and cherish and love and exhort her, my attention turned else where and I became involved in what was at first an emotional affair then later physical. The dualistic life continued and now to an even greater degree. I was living 2 lives. The seminarian, the good Christian, the youth pastor, the decent husband life . . . and the sinful life of an adulterer.

I graduated seminary in 02, 8 months after the birth of Benjamin, my son. I was in ministry at the time and the first affair was with someone at the church I was working at. During this time, the time in seminary and 2 years afterwards, I was well aware of my sin. It haunted me every night when I lied down next to my wife, as I picked up my children, as I taught scripture . . . as I prayed. I was also well aware of my status in my family, at my church, with my friends, in my “circle” . . . and being as how I always had a fear of disappointing someone I had only one option and that was to lie. And I was good at it. It would be said by someone years later, after all of this had happened, that it’s possible that one of 2 things were true: I was either so lost in sin and without God that I had no moral compass at all and therefore lying on a whim at any moment, each moment trying to cover up the last . . . or I was psychologically broken, that my brain actually believed there to be multiple life situations that were completely separate from each other and that’s how I functioned in them. Who knows, but at any given moment I could cover up 1 lie with two or three other, non-related lies and completely cover myself. I was good. Too good. And I knew it.

In August of 2004 we left that church. I was actually “let go” because the staff didn’t think I was reaching enough youth, but I knew and God knew that He was actually just protecting the congregation there. We went to another church, now with 2 children, not to work but to attend. My two friends, previously mentioned were there, and a host of other people I soon got to know quite well, including the pastor. Early 2005 marked the end of the first affair. For the rest of that year I fully believed I was scot free. No one knew, it never came out, and it was over. I did it!!! I actually accomplished it. Whooda thunk? I was still living the lie of a wonderful Christian man, but the guilt was not as heavy. I was working 60 hours a week and had no relationship with Christ, an empty one with my wife, and for the most part locked out my friends.

September of 2005 I started stressing out. I don’t really know why, but I did. I was still looking for authentic relationships and in Dec. of ’05 became involved with a co-worker and thus my second affair. The lies picked up right where they left off. And all the while I was getting more involved at church, staking more of a reputation, and all around me . . . my wife, my kids, my best friends, my pastor, my church, my family back home . . . clueless. All of them absolutely clueless.

And then came August 7th, the knocks on my door, and the 5 men . . . it was the day after my daughter’s 3rd birthday. The beginning of August is always bittersweet for me.

The day after the knocks on my door and the meeting in the pastor’s office, I received an email stating that I was to come to the pastor’s house to discuss things. At this point, they still don’t know what’s going on in my life currently or what had happened in the past. At best they have an inkling of something not being right or a very advanced educated guess. My wife had found some mildly incriminating evidence. It wasn’t enough for outright guilt, but enough to cause some concern. So, because they didn’t exactly know, I had a choice to make. “Do I confess? Or do I perpetuate the lie. I’ve gotten this far. Why wouldn’t I be able to go farther?”

1 john 1.10 says:
“if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.”

While sitting on a couch, surrounded by the 5 men, an interrogation began. Questions of what’s and who’s and how’s and why’s . . . an interrogation that I was expecting, and just an hour earlier had decided in my heart to go along with. The pain of my heart, the outright anguish of fear and pride and selfishness and lying and lust had taken its toll. Even if it wasn’t for the right “spiritual reason” or for the sake of saving my marriage, I had decided to let it out. All of it. For 10 or so years I had been saving my own life. Covering up the truth with lies to “save face” and to show everyone around just how good I was. It had proved to be too much. My soul was crushed, my mind was void of truth, and my body was in survival mode . . . whoever I truly ever was had vanished and had been consumed by what I had become. I was no longer a son, a brother, a friend, a father, or a husband. I felt as though I was nothing.

After about an hour, my head was pounding from the tears. Multiple times we had to stop so I could catch my breath, often times not breathing for what seemed like eons. But for the first time in my life . . . somebody knew something. The proverbial weight lifted off of me, and I physically felt as though something actually lifted off my shoulders

Then my pastor asked me to follow him.

I followed him through his kitchen and down a short, dark hallway into his study. When I entered the room the weight which had just been lifted off came crashing down with the force of what felt like all of the judgment of God pressed by His own hand down directly onto my soul. Across the room, on a couch, sat my wife, with my pastor’s wife close by her side.

In the next few moments I confessed everything I had just said to the men, directly to her. Uncontrollably weeping she nearly fell to the floor. Uncontrollably weeping I nearly fell to the floor. Hell. It’s the only word there is.

We returned to the living room. More questions. More confession. And another trip to the back. This walk was longer. This walk was harder. This walk was darker. This walk was the walk of a man to his execution. Unlike the last time, I knew what awaited me.

I cannot tell you what ten years of torment being piled upon you all at once feels like. And I cannot tell you what 10 years of lies and betrayal from the one you trusted most does to your heart. But I can tell you what it looks like . . . and if I never see that look again it would be too soon.

I left there and went home, exhausted. Relieved. Anxious. Afraid. Hopeful. Desperate . . . and alone

Nouwen writes in The Return of the Prodigal Son:
True loneliness comes when we have lost all sense of having things in common.

The following Sunday I was excommunicated from the church. They held a service which has been reported to me as being akin to a funeral service. “a brother is dead,” would have been the mantra. No one was to contact me. I was cut off completely. I was a severed limb from the body of Christ. And that chapter closed. Except for my family back home, all that I had known for 30 years was gone. Friends. Family. Church. Respect. . . . all gone. All in a moment.

About a week later I saw and spoke to my wife and kids for the first time. It was a tearful reunion. I was served divorce papers in early September and it was final the first of Novermber, just before the evening of Mozart and only three months after it all started. Those three months I lived in sin. Completely alone, and left by nearly everyone I knew, I turned to a sinful relationship, the only thing I knew. All of the confession, all of the tears, all of the pain and all of the “I’m sorries” . . . self seeking and empty. True repentance had not come.

Then came Mozart . . . and things began to change.

Another Nouwen quote:
“that voice called me ‘son.’ [but] the anguish of abandonment was so biting that it was hard, almost impossible, to believe that voice.

I obviously woke up the morning I wasn’t supposed to, and shortly after that two old friends found me and invested in me. One a friend of 17 years and one of 18, did what no one else had . . . they played the part of the prodigal son’s father. Throughout the rest of 2006 and through 2007 and into 2008, these two men walked with me. I made a ton of mistakes, sinned, fell, got up, walked, fell again . . . yet they never wavered. I made baby steps towards repentance and a true relationship with Christ. They were patient with me when they needed to be, harsh when they needed to be, and always loving.

Then, on an early February day, after a series of events and mistakes that had me leave the church I was attending, while driving a long stretch of road between McKinney and Frisco, God and I had a fight. Listening to a sermon on grace I began to feel hate for the idea of it boiling up inside of me. It repulsed me, and I let God know it. I had been working so hard for righteousness, to be what Christians are supposed to be. All of this church I was now attending, and bible I was reading, and bible studies, and service and church and more church and more service and more bible was all adding up in my head and in one swift movement my hand came crashing down onto the steering wheel in three quick movements along with a screaming exclamation . . . “I GIVE UP!!” I quit. I was done with this game of church. I no longer wanted it. I was done with the prayer. I wasn’t good at it anyway. Everything I did failed. Everything I was doing to be what everyone else was telling me I needed to be had gotten the best of me and I did not like what I was becoming. So, I told God. And I quit. I crossed my arms, stuck out my bottom lip, took my ball, and went home.

In that moment, on that road, in that car, and with tears streaming down my face he placed his hands on my bruised and broken soul . . . gently . . . firmly. He kissed the top of my dirty head and said “good, now I can do My work.” Just as in one moment he had taken everything away, he gave me new life and everything I would ever need. Grace.

A dear friend of mine, shortly before my car conversion, gave me a CD with a song on it containing these lyrics.

Son, you're trying to earn
What is far beyond you
Son, you're trying to earn
What is freely given

Every time that you try to just reduce
This to a give and take
You spit in my face
And tell Me that this blood was shed in vain

I began seeing a counselor and attending a recovery program. Although much like AA and other addiction therapy programs, this one was Christ centered and biblically focused. Hearing the stories of countless others and their struggles. . . . drugs, sex, alcohol, abuse, rape, anger, adultery . . . those having both committed and been sinned against, i found out what it truly meant to live freely. The process to see it wasn’t easy, taking an inventory of my life, digging deeper than I really cared to, in order to find the real reason why I chose to sin the way I did. There was more junk in there than I cared to see . . . but to be free of it gives me hope for a future.

Yet another Nouwen quote:
A step toward the platform where the father embraces his kneeling son. It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and compete trust.

Living free means confessing sin. “I goofed” or “oops, I did it again” is not confession. I have learned that confession comes from a contrite heart . . . a heart that gives up all that he is (the son) and reduces his own stock to that of something much less (a hired servant). That is humility. That is confession.

Living free means giving up and then taking hold. I have learned that the truly repentant person will not simply give up sin; he will instead run and cling to Christ. If this doesn’t happen, he is not truly repentant.

Living free means realizing that it isn’t about me. Living free means believing that everything that I’ve have been through is the vehicle that will bring glory to my God. Living free means being me, letting others see me being me, and giving up every pretentious bone in my body. It’s not about me. God isn’t circling around me, making my salvation about me so I can be praised, and applauded. God is the center of it all . . . with us circling around Him, loving Him, worshiping Him, serving Him, enjoying His presence and showing others life outside the dark cave of their sin . . . showing men who know only of dark, the sun that rises in the morning.

Living free means that I must see my life on the path of becoming the father in the story of the prodigal son. Receiving with love and compassion the lost and hurting. Redemption and reconciliation. We are all the prodigal and we are all the older brother. But we are all called to be the father.

So, where am I now?

I have made amends with most of those I have sinned against, and attempted with the rest. I have given up the pretentious life of the “good Christian,” having found it displeasing and useless. I am re-learning what I believe. In fact I am relearning what it means to believe. I’m taking my seminary education and letting it penetrate my heart and mind, a road I should have traveled years ago. I’ve spent the better part of two years, with friends, pastors, and family, in both discussion and debate, trying to decide what I believe about divorce and re-marriage . . . still working on that one. (wink wink, nudge nudge). And in all of that I have learned to no longer come to scripture with my life questions, looking for answers in proof texts. Instead I try to come to scripture in search of Christ and have been amazed at the questions that have been answered. I still struggle; temptations are real and present and always will be. Jesus promised me this. But he also promised me that if I draw near to Him . . . gosh that is SO key . . . that He will draw near to me. The ultimate relationship. So I am drawing near as best I can.

I am also thankful, and I’ll finish with this:

1. I am thankful for my friends who through perseverance and love did not quit until God broke me. A good friend does not let you get away with sin.

2. I am thankful for my church. A recommendation brought me to Christ church . . . coffee with 2 priests kept me there. I saw compassion, truth, and hope in those 2 men. I had not seen that for a long, long time with regards to church staff.

3. I am thankful for the 5 men that knocked on my door, especially the pastor. Ironically, it was the last time I saw compassion, truth, and hope from church staff. Most people who hear my story do not look so favorably on those 5 men. Most feel as if their tactics and practice were harsh, out dated, fundamentalist, even mean. But for the past 2 years I have been their best advocate and defending them and their actions to all who challenge it. They acted biblically . . . “they expelled the immoral brother” of 1 Corinthians. They were not fighting me they were fighting sin. Open and heinous sin. This past October I met with those 5 men and shared with them my life and what Christ had done in it. I left that same office where they told me my wife had left me, with an embrace from each one. Loving and gentle . . . 5 fathers welcoming home the prodigal son. You see, they let me go . . . in hopes that Christ would bring me back. If only more men would have such backbone. If only more men would have the backbone in their own lives and families.

4. I am thankful for my children. BLESSINGS!!! Words cannot describe what these two angels mean to me. Through them God has raked me over the coals. About 2 months after the knocks on my door my then 4.5 year old son, Benjamin, asked me, “why did you lie to mommy?” At 4.5 he understood sin, that I committed it, and he needed to know why. My heart broke. Every time my daughter Cait looks at me I melt. For everything that I have done so wrong how can they still look at me as though I hung the moon?

5. I am thankful for my ex-wife. A year after the divorce was final, in November of 2007, she and I went to dinner. She looked me in the eye and with small, silent tears said, “I forgive you. completely.” She was the true father in this prodigal story. Last year, in November (do you see a pattern?) She remarried. She married a man who loves my kids and who, in turn, love him. I am thankful for him, too.

6. And lastly, I am thankful for you, and for anyone who will sit and listen to my story. Not because I need you to or necessarily want you to. It doesn’t really paint me in the best light. But the opportunity to share what Christ has done for me . . . about how He let me go to squander my life, my mind, my body, and my soul and then after all of my sin so gently lay his hands upon me, and bless me. I want you to feel the same touch, the same grace, the same freedom . . . the same love. I could have said much more about my story. I left some out due to time and details to protect others, but I am more than willing to take you to get a cup of coffee and share more, or even hear your story, which I would love to do. Each day adds one more to the story of His grace, and no number of books written could contain all that He has done in my heart.

The focus of it all is the glory of God. My story is only the tiniest fraction of the whole story of redemption, played out through all of time unto God’s glory. It’s why I exist. It’s why you exist. It’s why Jesus came and did what He did. And it’s why we must embrace it . . . beating, cross, blood, death . . . all looking forward to our future resurrection. I couldn’t think of a better time to let God get hold of you.

I’m still a work in progress. Trying to serve my God and my church. I love my new friends and cannot wait to see what relationships transpire. Thank you again for being here . . . and for listening.

the kingdom and the church

2009-08-31T20:11:00.004-05:00

just about a week ago, a friend posed this question, "what is the Church here for?" simple, to the point, and too complex to digest. i gave an answer, in my mind satisfactorily, but since then it has been ever present on my thoughts throughout the past week. my answer, "to be salt and light in the world."

it's a good answer because all i really did was quote the bible. but it's an answer that has haunted me because i became increasingly aware that i wasn't sure if i could fill in all the holes that it left. sure, no one answer can be complete. outside of just saying "Jesus," what answer can we give that is not lacking in some respect or another? but it's been on my mind and heart to at least attempt and answer, a more complete one, so at the very least i myself can move forward as i try to find my place in the church, world, and community in which i live.

so, here goes...(this is from the mind of a confessed simpleton on these matters....still trying to figure it all out. there's stuff missing....but i feel this to be the heart of the matter)

growing up the church was our place of worship, our place of outreach, our place of service, and our home away from home. it was on the corner of 5th and wood and over time grew to 4 buildings. pastors, ministries, events and services, it was what i knew to be "church." it wasn't until much later that i realized that the church was a living, breathing organism that was growing, learning, falling, getting back up, serving, living....it was very much the collective version of a normal human life. only, it was a group. a group of millions that was one.

the church has had it's moments....good and bad. from the brutality of the crusades to the height of the reformation, from the early church's hard-line stance on heresy to the late church's embracing of it. our members have fallen from great heights (i can bear testimony) and our members have lived lives of service to our God....jonathan edwards, john calvin, john wesley, charles h. spurgeon, st. francis of assisi, st. augustine, and the list goes on and on. but what is it that marks us? what is it that screams to the world, "we are the church of the living God!"?

at the beginning of His ministry, Christ proclaimed the kingdom of God. He said that it was near (Mark 14.15) and that man's response was to be repentance and belief. repentance from sin, and a belief in Jesus....the Son of God. Messiah. King.

Jews at the time, and to this day, were looking for Messiah...the chosen one. He was to be the son of david. david, until the time of Messiah, was hailed as the king of kings, the greatest to have lived. Messiah would take up that name, King of kings, Lord of lords, and bear it like no other, not even David himself. when Jesus came, he hailed Himself the chosen one. King. Lord. Messiah. the kingdom of God had come, and so had it's king. like the arthurian legend centuries later, Jesus was the King who came to save a nation from the tyranny of its enemies. as was promised.

only, Jesus had other plans. instead of freeing Israel from the tyranny of Rome, it's militant enemy, Jesus proclaimed that He had come to save them from their real enemy....sin. "the kingdom of God has come, repent (turn from the real enemy and follow the real kingdom) and believe!" the Jews were supposed to get this. the slavery of sin and its freedom (exodus from egypt).....baptism and passing through the waters (the red sea)....it was what they had lived and known for thousands of years, now truly come to pass. a real defeat of the real enemy that bulls and goats could not cover through the sacrificial system. but they didn't, and they still seek.

but what of those who did hear and follow? who are they, what are they to do? they are the church and Jesus admonishes them to do many things. "go, make disciples", "be holy as I am holy," "be the salt of the earth, and a light on a hill."

as the church we are to be set apart from the world (this is what it means to be holy), not perfect, not sin free, but holy. the church is different from the world and we are to look different: in our actions, in our attitudes, in our desires, in our goals, in our families, in our personal relationships. our lives should simply speak, "Jesus." that word may not always come out, but the meaning is the same. people will see grace, mercy, justice, and above all love.. the world will see a family loving each other and those around it. it will see a people devoted to something other than themselves.

how do we do this? how do we set ourselves apart? we make disciples. "go, make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them (there's the going through water out of slavery) in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." (Matthew 28:19) disciples are in a different kingdom and need to learn what it's like to live in that kingdom. a kingdom of grace. a kingdom of mercy. a kingdom of love. it is a "come as you are" kingdom, but once here things change. repentance happens, lives transform, the image of Christ takes on meaning and identification in the Church comes to life. the church needs to be about teaching it's citizens how to live in it. it needs to make priority of making followers of Jesus who are salt, and light.

salt is a preservative and a flavor enhancer. it lasts when everything around it is bad and it takes what is bland and gives it life for the palate. the christian does the same. it is preserved when sin abounds, when evil is everywhere, and when death seems all the rage. it also gives a life and taste to an otherwise dead world. sin is gross, despicable, and upsetting to the stomach. the salty christian is the flavor to a bland world. "salt is good; but if the salt becomes unsalty, with what will you make it salty again?" (Mark 9:50) the church must ensure the saltiness of its members....without salt, the church is useless. true, there are those who will turn and run desiring no more to be salty, and instead run after more fleeting and desirable flavors that do not last. but the church must rise up underneath them, be strong in the midst of those who turn away, and continue to nourish, flavor, and salt its members.

light. it shines in dark places. and any light, in any dark place, makes the darkness go away. the church is not to hide itself in the caverns of its buildings. it must make itself visible to all who can see it. the church is not a building on the corner, it is a myriad of tiny lights who together illumine the darkness of this fallen world. "you are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden." (Matthew 5:14) our light must be visible. it must be in communities and workplaces, golf courses and classrooms, birthday parties and bars. but the key, the most important thing, is that if we are to be light then we cannot be darkness! obvious, right? then we should, as the church, be keeping each other in the light by actively keeping each other out of darkness. this does two things: 1) it makes us shine where there is no light and 2) it keeps us salty. if we are to be a difference in this world we have to be these two things. if we are truly to bring glory to the God that we say deserves all glory then we must tell the world of our King and do it by representing Him in the world.

we do that with salt and light.

everything else follows: ministry to the homeless flows out of the love that Christ had for the afflicted and outcast.....we do this by being like Him. ministry to those in addiction flows from the love that Jesus showed to drunkards....we do this by being like Him. ministry to the sick flows from a heart that healed too many to count.....we do this by being like Him.

how do we become more like Him? "let us draw near [to Christ] with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water (out of slavery, again). let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering....and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds" (hebrews 10.23-24, italics mine). we do it by pushing on without evil, by holding fast to Him whom we have believed, and we spur each other on to love and good deeds.

fleshing it out looks different from community to community....but in the end it should look the same.....

"the church is the representation of the Kingdom of God on earth, His representative to the world by virtue of it's being salt and light and in so being brings Glory to God and draws the world to Him."

Be Still and Know

2009-07-31T21:29:00.004-05:00

from august 1st until august 5th i am going to be in the mountains of colorado, sitting by a couple of small trout lakes at about 12,000 ft above sea level. this is the first "vacation" i've had in years. time away from work and life as i know it is long over due...and i am looking to be refreshed and renewed. but aside from my time off and relaxation, this trip meets me with providence. 4 months ago my sister and brother in law bought me plane tickets for my birthday, specifically for this trip. at that point, this was simply a time to get away, a gesture of kindness and love from my family. one that i appreciate deeply, am humbled by, and needed very badly. but God works in, under, around, and through our deeds. providence has set this trip, at this time, for very specific reasons. God has been working on my heart, breaking me down bit by bit, giving me moments of reflection, conviction, joy, humility, patience, etc, etc. it seems to me that the work He has been doing is coming to its denouement very soon. i feel a crux in front of me. in climbing terms, it's the moment that is hardest, most difficult to navigate, and the one move that will "do you in." but if you get over the crux, you're home free and all is gold. the rest of the climb is still hard, and there is still work to be done...but everyone has their crux.

i am praying for 5 things in particular this week, 5 specific things that i need help praying for. if you feel led and convicted to pray along with me, i covet your prayers...i need the prayers of the saints. this is what i am praying for:

1. Saturday, August 1st: that i may see more clearly the majesty of God. i want to see the God that i worship manifested in the creation that will be surrounding me. i'll be reading psalm 104.

2. Sunday, August 2nd: that in solitude i will experience Jesus as not just Savior, but also brother and friend.
i'll be reading Isaiah 41:8,9; John 15: 12-17

3. Monday, August 3rd: that through struggle i will find joy, that in the spiritual valley i will dance with joy. i will be reading Isaiah 55:9-12.

4. Tuesday, August 4th: that i will grow a passionate vision for my life as it pertains to my testimony for the kingdom. i.e. what does God have for my life and testimony? i will be reading 1 Thessalonians 3:12,13; Jeremiah 20: 9; & Romans 11:29

5. Wednesday, August 5th: that in whatever He calls me to...daily life, professional life, relationships, and solitude....faithful obedience will be my theme. i will be reading Micah 6:6-8.

thank you all for your love. both toward me and our God.

"...may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all men, just as we also do for you; so that He may establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord with all His saints." 1 Thess. 3:12,13

grace untouched

2009-07-18T22:32:00.002-05:00

there is a grace bouncing in and around my life that i both never see or feel. yet it still heals. still loves. still saves.

it is the same grace experienced by the Roman centurion of Luke 7. the centurion: a hundred in his command, victories in battle, worthy of both honor and rank. a roman's roman. a leader and a patriot. and luke tells us, a lover of Israel. a different attitude towards those most Roman's found a "necessary evil" in society. and perhaps the same, perhaps a step further...he was concerned about the health of a servant. in his position he probably had many, and could have gotten another one had he chosen to. but he didn't. he sent those he trusted to Jesus so that his servant could be healed. and Jesus, upon their testimony, came. as Jesus approached more men from the soldier came, this time his friends. they told Jesus that he need not come any further, that if he just spoke the words the servant would be healed. the centurion understood who Jesus was and what He had power over. just as he had power over one hundred men....Jesus had power over sickness.

what i've seen

i've struggled lately with an inferiority complex. given the choices i've made and the direction i chose to take my life, my level of self-forgiveness and motivation often waxes and wanes with the tides of life. the past couple of weeks have been high tide....with the water coming in so close i felt as though i were drowning in guilt and self-loathing. like the centurion, i have felt helpless, for years now, over the last stronghold i thought i had to conquer in my life before i could feel free from all of my yesterdays. i have seen joy and forgiveness happen right before my eyes as though from behind a glass. apart and out of reach. but unlike the centurion, my faith lacks the power to say to Jesus, "from afar you can make me well." how often have i NOT given Jesus the opportunity to make me well from a distance?

but even more, and where i most differ from the centurion, is that he does not presume upon Jesus to make his servant well. he finds himself so unworthy of the presence of Jesus that he does not expect a healing or try to make a power play with his position to gain an audience with Jesus...he leaves it all up to Jesus and His will. for so long i have presumed that i know what is best for me and my life...what things need to happen in order to be free and secure. in my world, Jesus must come all the way...on my terms, under my roof, for my needs. and it did not dawn on me until today that i need not worry about Jesus coming all the way and i especially do not need to try to coerce Him too. i need to simply be more like the centurion and see that grace does not operate out of obligation or entitlement. grace operates out of love.

if Jesus were to have grace on my heart and mind in terms of this portion of my recovery then i will rejoice in it. but if He does not choose to show mercy how i would like to see it, i must understand and take joy in the grace He has given me thus far....and though he may not choose to heal in the way that i want or am looking for, He still loves me and will still heal me.....

on His terms, on His motivation, and in His time.

and like the centurion i must have faith that He can do it from a distance.

"satisfy us in the morning with Your loyal love!
then we will shout for joy and be happy all our days!"

on vulnerability

2009-06-06T13:19:00.003-05:00

there is a call in the church, an informal one, for it's body to begin living life in a real and open way. it has been a criticism of the church by those on the outside looking in, of a "fake" or "hypocritical" showing of itself. throughout the 20th and now 21st century, the church has been accused of judgementalism, hypocrisy, elitism, closed-mindedness, etc...and sometimes rightly so. this isn't going to be a defense of the church, per say, but rather simply my thoughts on what might be needed to counteract the prevailing attitude. along with a need for the church to educate the world on what it is really about with regard to doctrine, practice, and right relationship with our Creator, the church is in need of a vulnerability of grace. here's what i mean by that....

a relationship with Christ is a relationship of change. it is a relationship which says, "that is who i was...and now this is who i am." without a change, without a way of looking at someone and being able to say, "that is what he was...and now here is what he is," then there is no way for us to see the change. there is no way to give a testimony of grace.

there is a reason we have the testimonies we have in scripture. in peter we see a man who fell to the bottom of deception in his denial of his association with Jesus. we saw an outright lie come from his lips three times. there were witnesses and a moment of guilt the remembrance of Jesus' words (Matthew 26: 69-75; John 18:25-27). then we see a little while later peter's moment with Jesus (John 21:15-17). peter, once a denier of Christ...now the leader of the followers of Jesus. and in paul we see a murderer. a man who stood by and gave his approval to the stoning of stephen. later, being met on the road to damascus, paul is confronted by Jesus, and we see in his life throughout the book of Acts and his letters, a life changed. both of these men, among others do no hide their sin. in their proclamation of Jesus and a relationship with him, the also proclaim who they were...and who they are now. we do not have in the faithful of God as told in a scripture a group of men and women who led lives of righteousness and perfection. in fact, it's quite the opposite. the testimony of scripture is that those who became faithful followers of God had to first come in their sin and then walk opposite of it. throughout their lives there was always an underlying story of who they were.

what i've seen

i have not seen overwhelming evidence in the church today that there is a discipline of vulnerability in it's leaders or followers. there are in some instances, but as a whole the church sets itself apart as an organization of the righteous. pastors and priests in pulpits are regarded as those on a pedestal higher than the normal church goer. it's a view that comes with the position....unless the leader makes it his prerogative to have a testimony of "this is who i was...and this is who i am." from the top down there needs to be a testimony of change. there needs to be a vulnerability of grace to the masses. "this is who i was...but because of grace, this is who i am." without the testimony, the call fails. and i don't mean a simplistic testimony of general sin because "all sin," rather i mean the vulnerability of peter and paul, of abraham and david.

the word "vulnerable" does not mean "openness through a veil." there is no room in "vulnerability" for sugar coating the ugly. the word "vulnerable" means being "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt." there is in vulnerability the very real possibility that there could be pain: mental, emotional, spiritual...possibly even physical. we as christians must have this mindset in our testimonies. we must be open with who we are to the extent (yet within reason) of being willing to hurt for the grace that we profess.

why? because that is the very testimony of grace itself in the work of Jesus. the ultimate vulnerability as was demonstrated on the cross. Jesus, for the masses of sinful humanity, made himself completely vulnerable so that we may be able to say, "this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am." He mentally made Himself vulnerable to the point of sweating blood. He emotionally made himself vulnerable to the point of being abandoned by His closest and only friends. He spiritually made Himself vulnerable to the point that He had to say, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" and physically He made Himself vulnerable to the point of death...death by beating, torture, and crucifixion.

yet we, so often, cannot be like Him in our lives by doing the exact same. the call of the Christian has been sugar coated and cotton-candied out. for the church to move forward the way the church was intended to, we must individually and corporately take up the call to live vulnerably real lives.

"this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am now."

easy chairs, hard words

2009-06-01T01:15:00.000-05:00

i stole the title, straight out, from douglas wilson...a pastor in moscow, idaho. for my small and perhaps inconsequential purposes here, i'm re-using it for a similar reason but with a little spin on its meaning. "easy chairs, hard words" is the title of wilson's book wherein he writes fictional conversations about some of the tough passages in scripture. hence...hard words being spoken by two gentlemen in easy chairs. what i write in the following is not for or against pastor wilson, in fact, it has very little to do with his work accept in the similarity that the title fits both of our purposes....i simply like his catchy title. so...thank you, pastor, for coming up with it :-)

it's dawning on me this evening the need for hard words. i have recently been on a pensive journey through the process of recovery/reconciliation and the means by which we get there. one major point, in my opinion, is what i mentioned in my last post...namely that there are too many pastors (and christians in general) who spend more time petting the sheep than protecting them from wolves. at first glance, the statement appears to mean that there are wolves on the outside looking in, seeking to devour the righteous and unassuming christian. albeit this is a necessary and good thing, i am coming to believe more and more that there is enough"wolf" in each and every one of us, capable of destroying us from the inside out, that our primary focus should be on protecting us from ourselves.

what i've seen

what i've seen, however, is an overwhelming tendency for us to stay reclined in our easy chairs. we love to take life simply; no wakes in the water, no more than a breeze in the air and only sunlight breaking through the clouds. our churches spend time creating fun groups for us to "plug in to," making our worship an "experience", and seeing to it that our every "need" is met...right down to coffee and doughnuts. don't get me wrong, i love the coffee and doughnuts...but where are those things which were indispensable to Jesus and His early church?

i was reminded recently of all of the "hard words" that Jesus spoke to those around him. "your righteousness must surpass that of the pharisees," "be holy as I am holy," "whoever does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." if i think about these words in the way that i should they are hard to grasp, and make me uneasy in my chair. these are only a few, and i've not mentioned the lives that Jesus called His followers to leave, or the sin He pointed out. following Jesus is a life of repentance. some of His first words, picking up the torch after John the Baptist was thrown in prison, were, "repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand." following Jesus is a life of walking Jesus' road, with His cross in tow.

repent carry your cross.

everywhere that Jesus exposed sin, when met with humility and faith, He also healed. those who can admit they are sick receive the healing touch of Christ. all of those who think that they are not sick, or do not need to be made well, or have no fault in them...repeatedly pointing the finger at someone else instead of pointing inwardly at their own hearts, has healing far from them.

too many times i have pointed the finger. too many times i have blamed the world for my many mistakes. "i'm this way because others sinned against me," "the world has put all this filth in my mind," etc. etc. it's true, both of those things have happened. but it does not excuse the fact that i chose to sin. without Christ i freely choose sin. it's all i choose without His grace in my life. if it were not for His grace, i would at every moment of every day choose sin.

when it comes to a ministry of recovery from a life of habitual and cyclical sin....how do we teach those who are sick where they can find healing? how do we point them to Christ? where can we have safe places to share hard words, calling sinners to repentance, have christians walking with each other and not afraid to share the hard words...making men squirm in their easy chairs? when will we stop petting the sheep and begin protecting them from the danger of themselves?

i remember when hard words were shared with me. it was only the beginning of a journey that i'm still on, but it was a beginning i hope to never forget. 1) the words where hard but not harsh. my sin was pointed out in clarity and in fact. it was black and white. no grey, no middle ground. 2) i was called to repent from my sin. point blank, again. i was looked square in the eye and told to stop sinning in the ways that i had. 3) i was safe. hard words were shared in an environment where i could be freely vulnerable without fear of humiliation of public ridicule. i was humbled, but not humiliated. the public became aware of my sin, but ridicule was never in view.

i am eternally grateful to the men who stood on the side of truth and justice and who chose not to sidestep my sin and downplay it as "a bad mistake" or "an indiscretion." the very minute we downplay the sin of our fellow christians we diminish the justice of the cross, and hold far off the hope of a life renewed by repentance.

i only hope that i can be more humble if there ever comes a time for me to hear hard words again. and if i ever i need to share hard words, my hope and prayer is that i can love as those men loved me....enough to share hard words in a time of easy chairs...for the sake of repentance and restoration unto the glory of God through His Son and His work on the cross. it's where we must live and breathe...and have our very existence....

mileu

2009-05-17T17:22:00.004-05:00

driving home from church this morning, after a fairly moving moment at communion, i began to wonder what it was going to take for me to strive after excellence. looking around in the room of my mind, in all the corners and closets, i can count many areas that are in need of cleaning and upkeep. some left untouched for a long time, some given minimal attention, and the ones given most attention still in need of repair. i saw a life "getting by." it's not that i don't take my spiritual life seriously or that i have made a consious decision to to "skate", as it were. but it seems to be what is happening. looking around the lives of churchgoers and christians at large, i see a movement of active, God seeking, minimalists. it seems that the prevailing christian millieu is one which sees christians as sinners who cannot escape that fact. (caution: it is indelibly true that this is the case. the human nature is such that there will alway be, until the end has come, a cloud of sinfulness which pervades everything we do.) however, this earmark of the christian culure has created a pessimism and a lackluster effort of christians and their leaders to expect excellence from the church. by identifying christians as "sinners and nothing more," we're making less of an effort into correcting sinfulf habits, creating communities to encourage and uplift sinners in repentance and right living, preaching repentance from the pulpit, and, grossly, letting accountability slide into a hug and affectionate smile of "i'm glad i don't have your struggles." part of me wonders if this mentality is because there are those of us that struggle more than normal with certain sin patterns, etc...and those that don't have that same struggle simply don't know how to address it.

talking tonight with a dear friend, a psychologist and co-small group leader, we entered into the discussion of addiction and certain mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. when someone finds out they have an addiction or a disorder, a very typical response is, "doesn't everybody deal with this?" and the answer is, "no, they don't." it then makes it difficult for both parties to understand what can be going on. my focus here is obviously from my own testimony...but it's the struggle i see as real and apparent in the church at large. most people don't understand that if you take an alcoholic into a bar and set a fifth of whiskey in front of him, what happens in his mind is not an ability for him to just push it away with no inner struggle or even fear or pain....it's an uncontrollable urge that he cannot supress easily. same for drug addiction, sexual addiction, co-dependency, etc...

as someone who struggles to find ways to "cope" with my sinful tendencies, i find that i am more and more in need of discipline...not punitive, but positive. i find myself to be more likely to not fall into sin when my life is disciplined. when i'm running regularly or climbing regularly, my life seems more focused and intentional. i need to be this way more, a wayward son has no intention in his life, he merely floats from one day to the next hoping for the best to fall into his lap. more times than not, however, he finds himself in the same cycle of habits...falling when he didn't even know he was in danger. i need people, friends...clergy...family, to be intentional in my life as well, to see that i am, in turn, being proactive in my own.

i think that's where we can start....by being intentional in each others lives. we are more likely to succeed when we set ourselves up for success. left to our own devices we will fall all over ourselves and then right back into sin. Christ has left us with this wonderful community in the church...we, like sheep, have all gone astray and we are in need of shepherds to lead us, corral us, and protect us from both ourselves and our enemies. pastor john macarthur has stated, "a shepherd is not judged on how well he pets his sheep, but on how well he protects them." we, as christians, have the same obligation to each other. in community, protecting each other from the pitfalls of sin. we must be proactive, intentional, and diligent to push each other into the excellent calling of glorifying our God in every facet of our lives.

soli deo gloria

pilgrim's progress

2009-05-16T02:01:00.000-05:00

this quote on prayer by John Bunyan has been haunting my thoughts for the past 5 days or so...

"Prayer is a sincere, sensible, affectionate pouring out of the heart or soul to God, through Christ, in the strength and assistance of the Holy Spirit, for such things as God has promised, or according to His word, for the good of the church, with submission in faith to the will of God."

my prayers too often take the shape of what i would like to see God do. in most instances i have good intentions, wanting God to heal, or answer, or show power, or convert...all good and noble things for Christians to desire. but in them is an inherent selfishness that i have begun to realize. "if these things happen," i subconsiously think, "then it will benefit me this way...."

"with submission in faith to the will of God..." this is the struggle for me. submission first...then faith in the will of God. i lack both. pride has for too long dominated any desire to submit my heart and desires to Him. it's a relearning process and one that has not come without pain and loss. and faith in the will of God...our struggle to find the will of God usually begins and ends with ourselves. "what is God's will for me?" "what is God's will for my life?" a wife? a better job? a future without the nagging of my past? all of these are blessings from God, but none of these are promises of God...and if i am to follow the scriptural model of Christ....i should be praying for the things God has promised....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc, etc....and have faith that i will receive those things and be living the will of God. i now pray for the grace to understand what He has promised...

"hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear unto my plea...in Thy faithfulness, answer me...."

2009-04-12T08:26:00.003-05:00

the women went to the tomb, expecting one thing, but found quite another.

peter and john ran to it, john faster, but they both ran. and peter, all the way in . . . as close as he could get.

thomas doubted it. "unless i see . . .", he said.

we all come to the resurrected Christ in different ways.

some come to Him by surprise . . . living life as normal as possible, going here and there preparing their days when unexpectedly they are greeted by grace. angels tell them that true life, and true fulfillment do not lie where they are looking for them. they are elsewhere, in a man, the risen Christ.

others run to Him . . . again, by grace, some have been told of Jesus, of his power over death and that He gives life. and they run. having been renewed in their heart the at once drop everything that they know and run to embrace the miracle of Christ.

others need proof . . . like thomas, there are those who just need to see a little bit more--touch the hands and feet. "many impostors have tried to do the same." they say. and they are right. we chide thomas a bit, doubt is not faith. but sometimes me miss that Jesus does not chide him, He merely says, "see, and believe." and thomas does.

Jesus meets us where we are. He comes to us in our sickness and in our poverty. He comes to us in our broken homes and in our failed relationships. He comes to us when our hope is lost and our world has fallen apart. He's the eye of the hurricane, the peace in the storm. but most of all, He comes to us "while we are still sinners." the life of the Christian starts when the God of the universe condescends to mankind, enters the warm lake of humanity and stirs its waters. He became like us so He could save us. the redemptive purposes of God reach farther than walking an aisle and making our lives "happier." it reaches farther than my immediate need for relationship and your immediate need for a better home life. God's salvation is bigger than my financial needs and your job situation. our focus is so "us" centered that we miss the bigger picture. we miss that God is redeeming all of creation, a creation of which we are only part. in this vast universe we are but a microscopic part . . .

. . . yet it's much bigger, too. it was us who screwed this whole thing up. it was man who decided to be his own God and eat the fruit. it was man who needed to build bigger buildings, earn more money, achieve better status. we have made ourselves in to demi-gods, and that is the reason for all the mess . . . and it's the reason God had to become man. Jesus had to take on the full punishment and judgement of God for Him to redeem the whole of creation.

consider the universe and consider that it was us who brought the whole thing into ruin. and so it is us who needed saving first, so the rest could be saved later. He made us for relationship with Him and we threw it in the garbage. yet He still entered into it with us. reaching His hand down into the darkest parts of our lives and gently revives our hearts and breathes, again, His life into us. we are the new creation. He's started over. He's going to fix all that we messed up.

and it started today:

"He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the first born of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities -- all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also the head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the first born from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything." Colossians 1.13-18

Happy Easter!

march haiku

2009-03-27T23:39:00.001-05:00

the wind is restless.

pacing between two futures.

winter's hold. spring's push.

letting go

2009-03-08T18:11:00.003-05:00

i never really cease to amaze myself. it seems like i spend most of my time trying to get over all of my selfish ambitions. fixing problems, self motivating, trying to be more disciplined . . . it's all a circular struggle of trying to let go of everything i've been . . . things that are "wrong" with me. in a recent self-pity party -- you know, the party you invite no one too but then get livid when no one shows up -- i realized that humanity does this in all our areas of life. we tend to spend a lot of our time trying to "let go" of bad habits, and usually to no avail. we also spend a lot of time "letting go" of bad or past relationships, only to find ourselves in the midst of them again, not knowing why but kicking ourselves for allowing it to happen. we say we need to stop worrying, "let go and let God," citing that it is a matter of faith and trust . . . "it's not getting better because i have little faith," " i need to trust God more." yes, you do and i do. but we will always need to trust God more. how many times did Jesus say, "you of little faith?" God knows that we're lacking in this area.

but that's not necessarily the bad news.

what i've seen

i'm not so sure it's faith that's hard for us. i can't speak for everyone, really i can speak for no one but myself. and what i've seen in my life is the fact that my real issue with letting go isn't the letting go part . . . it's the "clinging to something different" part. in His sermon on the mount, Jesus gives us insight into man's relationship with money. He says, "no one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." it's not an issue of faith it's an issue of service. granted, the two are tied together, but stretch this out into the practical issues of money and then beyond. we serve money because money serves us. we work 60 hr weeks because we get a return on our investment. a pretty immediate one at that. work now and in two weeks you'll see the fruit of your labor. we like that. and we're selfish about it. working is good, providing food and shelter for families is a godly charaterstic. but do you serve it? Jesus tells us not to store up for ourselves treasures on earth, but rather treasures in heaven. one rots, one does not. the question is not whether or not you should work, but who you're clinging to. in your passions, where is Christ in comparison to your income? if a call goes out to either defend your faith or your income . . . whom do you defend? do you defend the God who saves you or the money that buys you? in His sermon, Jesus follows this one statement with many about anxiety . . . about worrying what you will have or not have. "if i defend my faith, and follow Christ at the risk of losing my job . . . how will i eat? how will we live? where will my income come from?" i've learned that if i have these questions, i know it might be time to examine my heart.

stretching it into other areas of life, why do we have such a hard time letting go? for me it's because i'm letting go of something familiar, comfortable, close, and tangible . . . no matter how destructive i know that it is. in Galatians, Paul writes in a similar vein that Jesus spoke, "for am i now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am i striving to please men? if i were still trying to please men, i would not be a bond-servant of Christ." it took me a long time to learn a hard lesson that the phrase "pleasing men" usually has more to do with pleasing myself than any other man. we may not do things to please second or third parties . . . but how often do we do things to gain our own self approval or our own self worth? relationships are where i have seen this played out in my own life. so many of the relationships that i have had in the past have been beneficial for me because many of my "needs" were met . . . although all along they were some of the most destructive forces i have seen in my lifetime. but i didn't want to let go. i had "delusions of grandeur" that possibly in the future all could be made right, that i could fix what was wrong with them and make everything great. letting go of these relationships was not done over night, and in some cases it is still a struggle. but i could not even begin the struggle until i decided that i would cling to Christ instead of the relationship. instead of investing in a hurtful relationship i had to invest myself in Christ and in relationships that were healthy. i had to dead bolt the door on the relationship, no matter how bad it hurt, and run headlong into Christ. it was only then that my heart began to free up, and Godly, fruitful, wonderful relationships began to flower in my life. when i was consumed with a selfish and hurtful relationships i had no eyes to see the others. i had to close my eyes to them, and only then were they opened to the others.

the same principle applies to other areas of our lives as well. we just don't have the capacity to easily let go of one . . . and cling to the other.

more than this, and for me this was the crux of the issue, i had to hate the one before i could love the other. before i could love my Savior i had to hate sin. before i could be passionate about Him i had to shun what was not His. and that, for me, came down to selfishness. for you it may be something else, but in the end it is sin that keeps us from clinging to Christ. it is having a comfort and need for something other than Him. i still find myself clinging to my selfish passions . . . but by grace and patient love God is showing me that He is so much more brilliantly beautiful than anything that i could manufacture on my own.

don't just let go . . . cling to Christ.

my valentines

2009-02-14T23:34:00.005-06:00

my son is seven.

my daughter is five.

i have friends who's children are older and i have friends who's children are younger. i have friends who's children are smarter and i have friends who's children are dumber.

my kids aren't the tallest, strongest, fastest, most well-behaved, geniuses, or anything else we as american parents often want our children to be and against reason sometimes think they are.

they sometimes get in trouble at school and get in scuffles with friends. they get cuts and bruises, broken arms and broken hearts.

they stomp away from obedience and cross defiant arms. they argue and throw tantrums.

they often won't eat all their food, take their dishes from the table, or turn off the light.

they wiggle in church and fidget during prayer.

they do 1,000 other things every day that would drive any parent up a wall.

and i would have it no other way.

my son asked me to read him poetry . . . my heart skipped.

my daughter will push her way through people just to hold my hand . . . i will always keep one free.

my son likes the music i like . . . he says "i like it because it's yours."

my daughter climbs in bed with me . . . i love her knees in my back.

my son offers me his own money when i am low . . . giving. at 7!

my daughter writes "i love daddy" everywhere . . . even when i'm not there.

i see their joys and i feel their hurts. they make me laugh and sometimes i have cried. they defy my expectations. they are my greatest source of joy and they are my greatest source of lessons learned. they are not perfect . . . yet they are.

i love them with all my heart and i wanted to tell you.

in just a few moments, when i lie down in my bed, i will lie down alone. no wife by my side i'll fall asleep in silent obscurity. it is my own making . . . consequences like snow falling slowly into place every night. i have no one to share these things with. the joyous stories of my children go often untold. they are treasures i store up in my heart to push into the dreams i hope to have each night. sometimes, like tonight, i have to stop and take stock again of how fleeting this life is, how transient our stories appear compared to the eternal foundations of our God, and how i am nothing but a living testimony of His grace that i get to sit here in an empty kitchen and be able to share at all what a wonderful, wonderful gift my children are to me.

the following two poems i wrote for each of them.

to my son

you, me, the irony

of listening to the crash test dummies

at the auto shop

and the realization that re-do's

don't come in your size shoes

makes me stop

and take stock of this brief moment . . .

that time won't wait for what i meant

to do, fly with you, make you into

the kind of man i was supposed to be:

having wisdom, knowing responsibility,

leading you, teaching you, believing you

will grow up, but don't rush, let's pretend

while we can, that super-heroes always win in the end

and chase our shadows where time ticks

away in the darkness of a crocodile's belly,

if it's gonna tick, why not let it go silly

in a land where i can pick

you up and throw you into

the air a thousand feet up, and always catch you,

hitting the ground never in view

because here, where time ticks on the wall,

i cannot bear the weight of letting you fall . . .

re-do's don't come in your size shoes.

to my daughter

every time you make me tea

i have to remember to drink your smile

and remember that your tea is always best

with a little sugar.

and i have to remember mondays

and blueberry coffeecake

and being home to hold you

with your arms around my neck.

because i'll need to reach back

when i come home to see you

making tea for someone else,

with smiles and sugar, or

sitting in my chair on friday night,

while you're out getting coffee,

planning your cake,

your arms around his neck.

distractions made easy

2009-02-11T20:33:00.005-06:00

there's something about not having people over, not being too affected by appearances, being able to "make do" with whatever and an overall nonchalance toward daily living's habits and rituals that makes the more practical points of my existence . . . well, non-existent. the needs of my apartment are staring me square in the eye and when i turn around i can feel them boring holes through the more tender, empty parts of my skull. each room is a neglected piece of my life that has been told, "soon, i'll get to you soon." the kitchen is my practical roommate. he's there when i need food or drink, microwave or coffee, the rare moment of actual "cooking" . . . and not cooking for cooking's sake (such as the artists would tell you is the only way) but for the mere need for food. the dining area is actually a dining/conservatory/office/catch all. he is the roommate that catches all the flak for nothing, ends up being dumped on most of the time and only occasionally is used for his specific gifts. the den is my laid back, long day, gotta get my feet up "forget the world" roommate. he does nothing but entice me with his music and movies and tv shows . . . mind altering drugs which medicate the numbness which is often ascribed to the monotony of that thing we call "work." i won't delve into the bedroom . . . most do not appreciate a venture toward the darker corners of ones dwelling. let's just say he's the roommate that all the other roommates throw up on.

what i've seen

distractions are easy when they're stealing you away from those things which are of little or no concern to you. those things which concern you most; for some it's relationships, for some work, for others family and home, and others a secularistic life style of out and up all night, have a tighter grip on your attention and little can steal you away from them. it's not a profound statement, but it does give me pause to think of what things in my life hold my attention and what other things i'm neglecting toward a sadder end.

historically, i've seen myself give way to myself. there were no needs greater than my own and no avenue worth traveling if it did not end in my needs being attended to . . . even to the detriment of others. hopefully, though, by the grace of God and an altered perspective on life and living, i am giving way to the needs of others before myself. i still see glimpses of the old self when i look the mirror, the selfish and needy sinner within. turning off the light on that person hasn't been easy and often times it still isn't. guilt can still plague my mind. my distractions have shifted from my needs being externally met to a focus on trying to fix how i "used to be" in an attempt to change my self perspective. this never works and every attempt leaves me looking at the messes everywhere else. a wake of wreckage has followed me for years and God's grace has cleaned up much of it. but i struggle so often with my internal wreckage, my own innability to paint my life differently, and the rueful truth that no matter how many smiles i paint on my face, it is only by seeing myself in light of the cross and in the hope of the resurrection that i will have any peace, contentment, joy, and lovliness in this life.

it's a process. it's an easy process some days. it's a downright hellish one others. but it's a process. tonight my apartment will be clean. partly because it needs it, but also because for a few minutes i was given the grace to see how the smaller things in my life reflect the larger ones. my kitchen may represent my witness day in and day out. my dining area the mirror of my tendency to dump myself on others and not give heed to their needs . . . not be an ear or hear, or a shoulder to cry on. my living area is my slothful desire to quit life and be a bum in a time when i must spend time with my children, be productive at work and develop relationships wherever i am. and my bedroom . . .

we are not lights in and of ourselves, we are mirrors. and whether the light inside is bright or dim, we will reflect what is truly there, regardless of what we paint on the exterior of our washed out lives.

the poem below was born out of a bad day and is a complete contrast of how my days begin when i look in the mirror and see the love of my Savior.

morning

the imprint of your frame still

lingers in my bed, and the sheets you messed

as you kicked and pulled yourself

away from sleep—your silence louder than the screaming alarm.

folding back the warmth,

feet recoiling from the cold,

i force my eyes to your pale back

and watch you dress it in guilt.

your goodbye closes with the door and with it I begin

another morning, just like the last—

drawing a smile on the bathroom mirror,

trying desperately to shower off the shame.

longing to lose

2009-01-14T12:22:00.003-06:00

for the past week, i have started this post about 7 times. each time i was either distracted or just not "feelin' it." for me, that's frustrating. "i feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter spread over too much bread." that feeling leaves little room for deep thoughts . . . everything has seemed shallow.

my prayers are more groping in darkness than basking in light.

my thoughts are more placid meanderings in uncertainty than driven faith.

my actions are grounded in momentary flits rather than consistent, active obedience . . .

perhaps like the apostles as they waited in that dark period of days with no teacher. no messiah. no friend. we have tiny glimpses of what life was like for those days between Jesus' death and resurrection. a burial. a waiting in the upper room. a trip to the tomb for final preparations to the body. but we all know that the worst times, the darkest and most alone, are the times between the busyness. when all we do is sit idle in our chairs, wishing we could mow a lawn, or balance a budget. but instead we must sit alone with our thoughts, such terrible company. it has been recently, for me, thoughts of uncertain futures. guessing games of relationship and career. and my thoughts are not kind . . . mostly because i am selfish.

what i've seen

Christ has shown me the past couple of days why it is that i sometimes need to sit alone with those thoughts. it's because i never did it all those years ago. i think the Lord is teaching me to struggle. like jacob He is inviting me to wrestle with Him . . . because for so long all i did was wrestle with myself. it is no bad thing to wrestle with the Almighty and lose. jacob lost, and in his losing he won. the pains of a hard fought time of reflection and meditation, of recounting time's spent and finding Christ in our everyday experiences are pains that reap reward. over and over i have seen the fruits of hard fought relationships. relationships that seem on the brink have been saved because each party was willing to put aside selfish ambition and seek the other's gain. and that is what Christ has shown me. and this is what He's said,

"friend, brother . . . i will fight to make this work. i have conquered death. i have conquered sin. i have conquered the grave and all that darkness thinks it has claimed. and i will conquer you, too. your selfishness i will overcome with kindness, your pride will be destroyed by humility, your fears will be calmed and dispelled by my word. you will see life and you will see it abundantly."

it is a fight that i long to lose. i will not completely lose until i see Him face to face . . . but each and every day, as i fight against my sin, as i implore Him to manifest Himself in ways that i cannot deny, as i ask Him for bread and not rocks, for fish and not snakes, as i reach out and take a fist full of His cloak as He pins me to the ground and i say, "i will not let go until you bless me," . . . i find yet another blessing waiting in the dislocation of my life. the gnarled, ugly, and beat up life that has been covered in Grace.

on the eve of our great nativity

2008-12-25T00:35:00.003-06:00

my advent season culminated along the I-45 corridor. on the causeway between dallas and houston, i and a myriad of my fellow journeymen traveled southward toward family and friends . . . a great "getting together" for this our much anticipated holiday season. there was pushing and shoving, honking and "waving;" all of those little things which make our journeys so memorable. ah the yuletide spirit. and in the midst of my lonely drive i was reminded of grace and why i was making the trek at all.

2000 some odd years ago a tiny family traveled much the same corridor en route toward a great "getting together" of family and friends. a census urged the man and his wife toward the tiny town of bethlehem; a counting of men, women and children. to be sure there were scrooges in their midst . . . "bah humbugs" and the stress of the unplanned travel expenses, preparations gone bad and dad forgetting to make reservations at the hotel. if only they could arrive at their destination . . . the rest could be had. and nice, quiet sleep.

that's all i wanted tonight to be sure. and now at nearly 1am christmas morning i am typing instead of basking in dark stillness. but my mind is a rush of emotion and thought . . . and getting it out on "paper" seemed to fit the need.

grace has a nice way of forcing itself upon me at just the right moments. tonight it was a lesson learned regarding the incarnation of our Lord, accompanied by a song entitled "All is Well." over and over the song repeats, "all is well" and it hit me that my mind and heart are so often smitten by the dreariness of life . . . and that all is, indeed, "not well." as i listened to the song my mind and heart were opened by grace to one particular line of powerful poetry:

. . . tonight darkness fell into the dawn of love's light . . .

over and over again my mind tries to wrap itself around the magnitude of what happened that dark night in bethlehem. the dark night of sin and despair, the waiting in anticipation, the hopeful expectation of deliverance was ushered into the arms of a virgin girl in a quiet stable across from an inn . . . without fanfare and without a breath of resistance. the king was born and all was well (insert here thoughts regarding the creation of the universe and and the cumulative "it is good." do we see a pattern?). "the dawn of love's light." christmas is our beginning, it is our spiritual dawn. follow the star . . . and all is well. follow it from cradle to cross . . . and all is well. follow it through miracles and sermons, friendships and journey . . . and all along the way all is well. follow it from nazareth to capernaum, samaria to jerusalem and everywhere in between . . . and all is well. and follow it to the garden, and follow judas' footsteps and his lips on Jesus cheek . . . and all is still well. follow the fists that pounded his face, and trace each thorn as it pierced his skull . . . all is well. walk along with him along the "way of suffering," carry his cross with Simon the man from Cyrene and eye all along the way the hill called "the Skull" . . . and find that all is well. follow the nails, follow the spear, follow the words of the thieves and the soldiers, follow the words of your savior, follow his final breath as it falls from his cracked lips and falls at your feet . . . the light of love succumbing to darkness . . . and all is well.

what i've seen

from my viewpoint little is well with life a lot of the time . . . finances, relationships, bleak national times and an uncertain personal future, it doesn't always look good. and it is because i do not look through the eyes of light, especially love's light and in particular the way it dispels the darkest of nights. the grace to be where i am today and not where i should be is all of grace and too often i forget what was given that first christmas morning. Jesus was God's "widow's mite" . . . Jesus was God's most expensive and rarest gift . . . Jesus was the one selfless act that defined grace as it would come to be known in the life of the church of God . . . God made flesh and born to die, that for all of those who are his own, all will be well.

my love for my Savior and His grace is so full of holes it's a wonder i haven't sunk. but even in this, grace keeps it afloat. with each gift we receive and with each gift that we give it is my resolution to paint for my children the dawn of love's light. all of its bright colors and all of its majesty . . . painted on the canvas of simple grace.

listening to Mozart

2008-12-08T00:00:00.002-06:00

we visit and re-visit ourselves,

discovering over and over what

we would have changed

if we could then

counting again and again the number

of times we've convinced ourselves

that change is future

not past,

wondering what Mozart would

have done had he finished,

instead of dying so young,

with more ahead of him than behind

i have to read this poem to myself over and over again before i can believe why i wrote it in the first place. long drives home are usually the worst. reflecting on past and future, pensive thoughts on whatever "life" is, kicking myself, self-pity, you know how it goes . . . and the one thing i always come back to is Mozart. i'm not entirely sure why. i'm pretty sure i should always be coming back to Christ, thoughtfully praying to One who saved me from myself--but often times i don't. it's Mozart.

boy genius. prodigy. pinnacle of musical excellence. the "it" man of his day. yet burdened and overcome by fear. i have heard it said of him that he exited a rehearsal session for his "Requiem" in tears, gripped by sorrow and never returned. it was his last rehearsal for the piece he never finished, ironically, because of his early death. some have also said that although commissioned to compose it for the late wife of a wealthy man, Mozart was actually writing his requiem. his own death march. his own ode to the dark. looking death in the face must be scary for some, especially when there is the unexpected coming. and, in Mozart's case, a past of sin. perhaps more sin than he could bear. the piece for the rehearsal he did not make it through was reportedly the Lacrimosa or "tears" or "mourning." the lyrics read like this:

Lacrimosa dies illa That day of tears and mourning

qua resurget ex favilla when from the ashes shall rise

judicandus homo reus. all humanity to be judged.

Huic ergo parce, Deus Spare us by your mercy, Lord,

pie Jesu Domine, gentle Lord Jesus,

dona eis requiem, Amen. grant them eternal rest, Amen.

"when from the ashes shall rise all humanity to be judged . . . Spare us by your mercy, Lord, gentle Lord Jesus"---and he ran from the room, weeping.

what i've seen

true or not it should still hit home in our hearts. Mozart was an unrested soul in that moment, much like i was a little over two years ago. getting ready for bed on a thursday night, i was convinced that i wasn't going to wake up. i had somehow convinced myself that God was going to take my life before morning light came. i fell asleep to Mozart's requiem playing in the darkness. i was in no way at peace, but resigned to the fact that eternal sleep was better than the pain and guilt i was living through. obviously, i woke up. morbid night? no doubt. i was messed up in the head and heart a long time before that but that morning was new for me. nothing was "all better," all the pain was still there, all the heartache . . . my entire life that had hit the fan and was now painting the world around me in shades of black and gray. mozart didn't get another morning . . . but i did, and the difference between me and Mozart is that i had the grace of another day to seek the Giver of mercy. i didn't, and don't, need to wait until the "rising of the ashes" to hopefully plead for mercy from the Lord. i have been given grace enough to rest NOW in the mercy that is found at the cross. i can see forward into the hope of eternal salvation by way of that same cross and can embrace each and every dark moment which comes my way because my Savior, too, has embraced those same dark moments, promising that God works for good with those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose.

sometimes it just takes me a while to get back there . . . but He always brings me back there. it's the only place i'm safe. it's the only place we have peace . . .

father knows best pt. ii

2008-11-30T22:54:00.002-06:00

about one week ago, my son and i were having "boys day." my daughter was with her mommy and so benjamin and i were out to do "boy" things. rock climbing, mcdonald's, etc. while we were in the car we listened to all the songs he wanted to listen to and sing along with and chatted it up. during a lull in our conversation a song came on that i liked but that he didn't know to well. i turned it up a little bit and sang along as he sat in the back seat, staring out the window as he listened to his goofy father sing along. at the end of the song i asked him if he liked it. he said, "of course i do daddy...it's yours."

what i've seen

i don't know that i can say with too much confidence that i say that to my heavenly father. how many of us take what God gives us and say, "of course i like it daddy, it's yours." what selfless motivation!! what joy in other's joy!! my son did not like the song because he liked the tune or the words, the story or the harmony . . . he's 6, he doesn't know of such things. he liked it simply because it was one that i liked. then it dawned on me . . . every song i play for my children they sing along with and laugh and scream simply because i did first! i am so selfish!!

i have seen my life take a route of selfishness. even in salvation i'm so quick to thank my Father when his gifts suit me . . . not often to i take the time to thank Him for the hardest of times, the difficulties and the pains of life. not often to i say to Him, "Daddy, if our most joyful times are in the depths of the darkest valleys then rush me down to them...that i may curl up in you and sleep in peace." not often to i thank Him for molding my character through trial. and even rarer (if ever) do i actually ask for Him to mold it as He wills. i would much rather have times of peace and prosperity and so very often to i covet them. every day i covet them.

my son is my joy. my daughter is my joy. i am their joy. and it is beginning to break me down . . . in a good way. like a child i must go to my father. with complete abandon---of finances, of stability, of peace, of happiness---i must abandon it all and with then empty arms embrace the savior of my soul and realize that He's the Savior of every other part of my life as well . . .

father knows best

2008-11-15T21:11:00.005-06:00

on my "man bag" is a little leather bracelet with block letters which spell out "DADDY." i don't have it there as a reminder of how i need to live in order to maintain that relationship with my children. i don't carry it with me as a conversation starter or a feel good token because everything else in my life has gone up in proverbial flame. i carry it with me as a "brag book." inside those five letters is a tome of stories, anecdotes, tears, events, and various sundry moments which no other father has except me. other fathers in other times have similar stories, but no other father has these stories. no other father took this son to baseball games. no other father took this daughter to a father/daughter ball. no other father taught this boy to hit a pitch, and no other father brushes this girl's hair. but the bragging doesn't come in what i get from the amazing and unending privileges i have with my children, and it's not to brag about their amazing accomplishments as they grow by leaps and bounds each and every day. it's not so much who they are to me as it is who i am to them. no other father has this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty drop her toys and with full smile in place run to me and scream "daddy" . . . for no apparent reason other than that she simply can. and no other father has the surprise of his breath taken away by his 6 year old boy, who has out grown this kissing and cuddles, wrap his arms around his neck, squeeze the life out of him, smile and then run away to do what boys do . . . all the while looking back so he can make sure i'm still watching him smile, and laugh, and run.

what i've seen

children adore their parents and in most cases a parent can "do no wrong." when in every adult's eye we have turned the world over on its axis, children are resilient and still hold us high up, adoring all that we do. but with age reality's perception changes and we are seen as human, fallible, and full of sin. and it's this perception, not of others but of ourselves, that we carry into our spiritual lives. most christians i know ca remember the vigor with which their conversion took hold. Jesus was like a new boyfriend or girlfriend who we couldn't wait to show off . . . at prayer meetings, rallies, bible studies, "commitment services." and we loved our new found love. we now had someone there when no one else was, a "daddy" to do good things for, to say good things about, to sing for in our loudest voices . . . and all the while looking back to make sure that he was still there, smiling.

but then we understand the reality of sin. we understand that we really have screwed up this life He gave us. that we have gone off and given ourselves to other Gods . . . and in fact, if we were really honest, are giving ourselves to other Gods on a daily basis. and how do we respond? history tells of my own life and i have heard countless stories of others, of how we retreat from the same God who we so wantingly ran to in the beginning. we hide ourselves amidst the trees of the garden, ashamed of our failure and crossing our fingers that father won't find us. but with the gentility and wisdom that only fathers have, He calls to us to come to Him. it was not God who makes us hide in shame, it is we who hide ourselves. and we do so because we have forgotten that Father knows best.

Our Father calls to us in our brokenness and sin to come to Him because He knows that it is the only place where we can find restoration. He does not call us to come to Him so He can lash us or yell at us. He calls for us to come to Him so He can restore us! He calls for the broken sinner to come and be fixed. He calls for the lonely sinner to come and find relationship. He calls for the dying sinner to come to Him and find life. He calls and says, "son, daughter do not forget the cross. do not forget the way I have made for you to come to me. it is not a way of shame and guilt. it is not a way of humiliation and grief. the cross is the way to freedom and peace. the cross is the way to restoration and joy. in the cross I have made possible everything which you are longing for . . . come to Me, sinner, and I will make you well."

how many times do we here Jesus say this? and how many times do we not turn to Him? instead we play our silly little games. we put on our church faces, say amazing prayers, give biblical insights which make others "ooo" and "awe," hold positions of ministry and charity and all the while know nothing of intimacy with our Father. we have, for years, neglected the opportunity to crawl up in his lap . . . just because we can.

i cannot speculate into the heart and mind of God, i've been foolish enough to do that before, i can only look into my own and hope to glean morsels from it. if my daughter or my son ever sent me an email, or a letter, or a coloring book picture and from afar said, "i cannot come to you. i cannot run to you and wrap my arms around you. i cannot smile at you as i run and play . . . because i do not think that you will smile back. i must be your son, your daughter, from far away. when i fix things . . . i'll come back . . ." i would more than likely fall into a heap and weep . . . just like i did when i thought that i could not be a father to my children because i was unfit . . . i lost it. on the floor of their bedrooms i cried like a baby at the thought of never seeing them again. the moment is seared into my memory.

God is bigger than that. He is not swayed by circumstantial emotion and whimsical fancies . . . but give me the freedom to speculate that He desires those whom He gave his Son to die for to run to Him in their sin that He may restore them in all gentleness and truth. why would i speculate such things? because it seems to me that there is an eternal bracelet which He has that says "DADDY" on it. not because we are awesome children . . . we've all proved that to be wrong . . . but because in one moment, when all of heaven and earth come to a standstill, every knee will bow and look up to Him and He will say "because I have loved these, my children, and I have saved them, and I have cleansed them of their sin" . . . and all of us, all who are His, will run to Him faster than we've ever run before and grab tighter than we've ever grabbed before and for all eternity never let go.

the question i keep asking myself is, "why don't i do that now?"

not one of the cool kids

2008-11-10T17:48:00.002-06:00

i've adopted a phrase at work and in life wherein i declare someone "one of the cool kids." i think it stems from my lifelong goal of actually being associated with that particular group. all through middle school and high school i envied the status of some of my classmates. i'm pretty sure i'm preaching to the choir on this point. we all had that sensation as pre-adults . . . not quite "fitting in," and if we did fit in we probably wanted to fit in somewhere else. i guess you could say there was a proverbial greener grass on the other side of the social fence. some of us got there, some of us never did . . . but the sad reality is that many of us still find ourselves pining after status. whether it's at work as we position ourselves for a promotion, in relationships as we prove to others that we are worthy of friendship and love, or at church as we put on our sunday best to go along with our sunday smiles, our deepest and darkest closets stay in the deepest and darkest recesses of our lives, hiding the deepest and darkest secrets we wish for no one to know. "my church can't know those thoughts that i think, those things that i lust after, the uncontrollable anger i harbor . . ." and the list goes on and on . . . gluttony, adultery, theft. aw heck, who am i kidding? it's not that bad right? perhaps little-bitty sins like buying the shirt i didn't need, skimping a little on my tithe check. we assume the best in people . . . if we're in church then we're "ok." we're one of the cool kids.

what i've seen

better yet, after reading the above paragraph ask any number of the people i grew up with what they were thinking when they found out about my life. ask them what they've seen and ask them how the truth of my life impacted their view of "the cool kids." what they will tell you, hopefully, is that nothing is at all what it seems. they will tell you, hopefully, that it's the itty-bitty sins that are covering up the true heart of the matter. they will tell you, hopefully, that if chris could have understood when he was young what it meant that "Jesus hung out with sinners," then maybe he wouldn't be where he is today. well, i am where i am. and i'll tell you a little of why.

i couldn't make confession of my weakness. every little thing; a lie, a doubt, a disbelief, began to be covered up by the next little thing. eventually, it snowballed into an avalanche i couldn't control. i couldn't admit that i was weak. i couldn't admit that i doubted. i couldn't admit that everything i was living out loud was nothing at all like what was going on inside. i couldn't admit that i was a sinner and that i was in desperate need of saving.

one thing i've come to understand, and now come to see as sad, is that when we find sin in the church we are often shocked by it. Dietrich Bonhoeffer notes:

He who is alone with his sins is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, the do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits now\one to be a sinner. So everyone must conceal his sin from himself and from their fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners.

Brennan Manning adds:

At Sunday worship, as in every dimension of our existence, many of us pretend to believe we are sinners. Consequently, all we can do is pretend to believe we have been forgiven. As a result, our whole spiritual life is pseudo-repentance and pseudo-bliss.

WOW! that was me to a "T." [an aside: granted, there are those in the church, (like i was) living full-on lives of hypocrisy and fraud. So yes, there are times when “shock” is not only acceptable but human and necessary. my point is that too many christians are not open about their sin, their struggles, their tendencies and hang-ups. so when it does all come tumbling down, it’s like perfection went falling into the abyss . . . why do we see each other as faultless (unless we don’t like someone then all they have are faults, but i digress] i wonder how many people feel the way manning described it as they lie down at night. when the darkness of night descends do our hearts ascend to peace and joy? when the dawn rises with a new sun do our minds rise to another day of joyfully pondering the cross? or do we hide in our daily lives, our children, and our jobs . . . our church?

2,000 years ago you're walking down the streets of israel and Jesus is coming the other direction inviting people to come to dinner. when you and He cross paths does He invite you over? does he pass you by for the man on the side of the road? what's the criterion? and this is when i realized what joy there is in embracing my place as a sinner at the foot of a merciful and gracious God. it was at the moment when i knew that i desperately needed to have supper with Jesus, that i needed to be at His table hanging on His every word, when i was at a cross roads--one direction a beginning, the other an end--that i reached out as He was passing by and i screamed out, "SAVE ME, FOR I AM A SINNER!"

i gave up. i quit pretending. i stopped being who i thought i was and started living the truth. Jesus invited prostitutes right off the street . . . not the ones doing it in secret. he invited the hated tax collector . . . right after the took the widows last mite. he invited the drunkards . . . smack in the middle of a binge. it was for these that he came . . . the losers, the vagabonds, the ragamuffins.

Jesus didn't come for the cool kids.

truth and restoration

2008-10-18T23:36:00.004-05:00

two years ago i was dismissed from the church i was attending. well, "dismissed" is putting it lightly. "ejected" is more like it. excommunicated, thrown out . . . however you choose to label it, it was legitimate. the way i was living life, the sin i was involved in, the overall deception of "who i was" ended in abruption. i call it the "advent of truth." in one moment, one punctual moment of extreme unction, all truth was brought out of me. like violent vomit, truth was pulled forth from my innermost being and was spewed all over all that knew me . . . or all who thought they did.

at the heart of it all, it was my lying heart that produced the deceit which fooled all who knew me.
my friends: best friends. friends of 15, 20 and even 30 years were completely oblivious to my life and lies.
my family: those who raised me, who taught me most of what i know . . . completely fooled.
my church: these are the ones who accepted me at their table. who dined with me, confessed with me . . . worshiped with me. deceived . . . each and every one of them.

no one ever said, "i KNEW it" or "i told you so" . . . the deception was full. complete. sin made a home in me and lived as king of my castle.

what i've seen

i can point my finger at just about any church and find a fault in it. from theology, to practice, to staff, to members . . . they've all got something wrong inside. i can point my finger at people, at each individual i know and show you weakness after weakness, sin after sin. i can virtually condemn them in my mind to the depths of hell. it's not hard . . . you do it too. and what i've seen is that there are very few who will turn their hand and point the other direction. very few men will have the (pardon the phrase) balls to lower themselves to the point of truth and confession. very few women will humble themselves to the truth of the sin in their lives. each and every one of us have, at one time or another, lied down in our beds at night with the weight of our day laying heavy on our chest. we know we have sinned. we know we have hurt those around us. we know we are slowly destroying lives. we know we are not pursuing the God of our creation. but we choose the selfish ambitions of success, love, dead ends, and fleeting happiness for "the now". i call "the now" our human born desire for immediate satisfaction. that's what it was for me. i needed to be pleased in the moment. i was not willing to work for the long term satisfaction of a faithful marriage, but instead turned to the affections of the moment . . . and lost all that i was not willing to fight for. and the fight, i have seen, is a fight within ourselves. i have seen people give up on themselves and therefore destroy not only themselves but all that they care about. i have seen people, when the decision is placed in front of them like a true/false question on a 7th grade sociology test they choose "false" at the exact moment they know that "true" is the correct answer. men and women, every day, choose to fail.

it is only when those men and women stop fighting for themselves that they actually succeed. Jesus said "I am the way, the truth, and the life." we as human sinners must give up the fight of trying to fight for our own lives. we must stop thinking of our own needs but instead the needs of others. we must stop the selfish ambition of monetary success, an adequate and acceptable love life, and winning "dad of the year." the God of the universe is concerned with only one thing . . . do you love Him? truth says i did not. no matter how much i said i did, or pretended i did . . . i didn't . . . and i was absolutely miserable. but when the truth came out that i was a fraud, a fake, a liar and an emotional extortionist . . . i was set free to a life of joy and happiness in the small things that make life worth living. just read all the stories of Jesus having prostitutes over for dinner . . . He's affectionate and pursuant of those such as me (those such as us).

by the Grace of God i am where i am today. loving Him, wanting to serve Him, restored by friends and family . . . even the church who so lovingly "dismissed" me from their presence has with open arms received me back as "brother." and it all happened with "truth."

who are you? where have you come from? what are you doing? answer truthfully. answer them with the expectation that "you shall know the truth . . . and the truth shall set you free."

hind-site

2008-10-11T00:27:00.002-05:00

i've seen birth and i've seen death. i've seen joy and i've seen madness. i've seen humility and i've seen pride. i've seen selfishness and i've seen sacrifice.

i've seen families unified and families broken. i've seen fathers love and fathers leave, mothers hope and mothers despair, children trust and children doubt.

i've seen rich and i've seen poor, pretentious and selfless, educated and ignorant.

i've seen churches worship and i've seen churches fall. i've seen pastors preach and pastors practice, leaders lead and leaders sin. i've seen man bear God's image and i've seen man tear it down.

and at different places along the way i've seen it all, at one point or another, crawl into the back pocket of my life. taking it out and dusting it off i'd like to take the things i've seen and look for the answers to the questions that we've felt it too hard to ask.