I’ve had a nag, and I’ve had it for a few weeks now.
To start, you’re all familiar with the phrase, “I have this nagging feeling that…”. It’s like a premonition, a gut instinct that we get when we know something is wrong, or about to go wrong, but we can’t quite put our finger on it. It’s a sort of emotional déjà vu but before the event/”thing” actually happens. It’s often paralyzing, consuming our thoughts and taking focus away from daily tasks or our relationships. It can take us into the pensive place of the investigator, probing all options and looking for clues as to what will happen, what we might have missed, and the root of it all, “why am I feeling this way?”
Some deep emotions were revived in me a few weeks ago with regards to my past, emotions that I had consciously buried in an attempt to get past them and “move on.” For the past couple of years this has been, for the most part, successful. Life flowed just fine, I could work effectively, friendships were maintained as well as relationships with family. I was coasting fairly peacefully. But lurking below the surface, in a dungeon mostly forgotten, with prisoners only the warden was aware of…a jailbreak was being planned.
As these emotions rose up again and began to invade my daily thoughts, and as instances in my life gave reminders of the past, I started having that nagging feeling that something wasn’t right…and I didn’t at all like the way I felt. It started consuming me more and more. I didn’t want to talk to friends for fear that they would bring up even more of these feelings. I started to take all of me down the winding, dark, concrete stairs into the dungeon. Halfway through my descent I was met halfway by a bulrush of emotion. I couldn’t fight this one. I was helpless.
Two nights before Christmas I had a horrible night’s sleep. I woke up every 45 minutes or so and tossed and turned all night. During the night, somewhere in the middle of one of my “naps,” I had one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had. The dream involved only two people; me and one of my dearest friends. In the dream, my friend was vehemently accusing me of “crimes” committed. It wasn’t loving, it wasn’t friendly, and it sure as heck wasn’t nice. I remember him yelling, pointing his finger, telling me how absolutely awful I was, how my guilt was so glaringly evident to all…his words came across like judgment, and in my dream I felt like a sentenced felon. But the hurtful part, the part that was “nightmarish,” was I believed whole heartedly that this friend had forgiven me everything…and here he was accusing where there was already forgiveness. In my dream it was faith destroying…when I woke up, I had some serious stuff to deal with.
Being forced into dealing with “that nagging feeling” wasn’t the greatest but it was necessary. It seems that many times God has shown me my need by showing me how desperately sick I am when left to myself. (Jeremiah 17:9) It didn’t take me long to start putting the puzzle pieces together…and the dungeon started coming to light. And what rose out of it was the silent character in my life….Fear.
To tell a soldier he need not be afraid of the enemy, of bullets near his head, or bombs falling on top of him, seems silly. Of course he will fear these things…they can kill him and, if not, perhaps seriously injure him. The idea, of course, is to keep the soldier fighting, to convince him to run headlong into these threats despite fear. There aren’t too many soldiers looking for death or pain, and not many of them hope it comes to them. Mankind, in general, takes an unkindly position on situations that cause them harm. What the soldier needs to understand, and in actuality be completely convinced and convicted about, is that his sacrifice is for a greater good. Putting the needs of the many above the one is a cause the true soldier will gladly confront death for. It is a selfless, humble act for his country.
Fear is our mind’s natural reaction to negative stimuli. To be afraid of things that may cause you harm is built in as a survival tool. Instances happen to us in our life that are negative, when we see those happening again Fear kicks in because our minds do not want to have to have the renewed experience.
Fear is what had gripped me so tightly. I’m not a fearful person. I have no known phobias or the like, but in the case of confronting my own demons, my own emotions, and my own future…I was paralyzed by Fear. As my mind re-lived the pain and hurt I went through for years, as well as the pain I caused others, I became fearful. My mind and heart began to close down because I didn’t want to go through it again.
As I look back over the past couple of years, and specifically over the past few months, I can see Fear seeping its way into my daily life. I have been afraid to develop deep, lasting relationships, pursue new avenues in my life, and sometimes even go out in public. I was afraid to meet new people and I would stand in the corner at parties. It is debilitating…and a little bit embarrassing.
I was the prisoner inside the cell. Fear was the warden on the outside, holding the keys. My selfish tendencies to protect myself were keeping me “safe”…out of sight, out of mind. The only association I would make with people, better yet, the only time I was willing to let myself be vulnerable, was when people actually came down into my cell to visit me. It was always on my terms, in my words, in my cell. The love, grace, and forgiveness I have experienced has always been on that level. First and foremost with Jesus. He did not require me to come out and find him. He found me in my dead, sinful state and breathed life into my then lifeless heart. Others followed suit: Friends, family, children, and churches…they all reached out a hand to me, to love and to forgive.
And I came to expect it to always be that way…
And now, for the first time, I see that my cell is open. The warden is there, but he has no keys. He looks at me, like an enemy waiting to attack, and he’s giving me an option. I can pull the door shut, closing myself inside the cell again and wait for people to come to me, on my terms, in my cell, or, I can walk out, confront Him head on and take the grace, love, and forgiveness that others have given me and use it to live in the world.
I fear the pain. I don’t want it. My inclination is to run against it and avoid it at all cost. This isn’t an option.
“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage – I have conquered the world.” John 16.33
The words Jesus spoke to his disciples were intended to give them courage in the face of trouble and suffering. There would be trouble. There would be suffering. He didn’t deny it nor tell them to not be afraid of it. But He did tell them to take courage in the midst of it. Not based on the troubles and sufferings not hurting them, or even killing them…He pointed them to the greater good. They can take courage, go into the world, live in the world, and be with the people of the world and minister to them and love them and forgive them because “HE HAS CONQUERED THE WORLD!”
Living so pensively and in selfish introspection has taken my mind off of everyone around me. Fear took away my ability to love. It took away my ability to serve. It took away my ability to just be me. Plain ‘ole me.
I’m not real sure how to just keep walking out of this dungeon, and I feel a little bit childish even saying a lot of these things. But they are what they are and I am who I am.
So…here we go.
30 December, 2009
18 November, 2009
resonance
res-o-nate (origin: 1870-75; <>resonatus)—verb: to amplify vocal sound by the sympathetic vibration of air in certain cavities and bony structures. syn. echo, oscillate, reproduce, reverberate, ring, sound, vibrate.
i’ve never been to a nascar race…or drag race, or busch series or whatever. it’s just not my thing. but, i hear tales of such events. i hear how the low rumble of the engines takes life inside your chest and goes beyond the sound of engines into the physical rumbling of bones and organs. i also understand this to be the experience of a shuttle lift off, or a building detonation. the physical movement and physics of the event actually cause a simultaneous resonance in the body.
i’m convinced that this happens when we see, hear, or experience a life that is common to our own. when we are in the presence of experiences which are familiar to us, there are emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical resonances that we experience. we see this in movies as we cry along, identifying with sadness, and laughing or smiling as we identify with joy and happiness. we identify with fear and, in turn, get scared.
spiritually this happens as we see joy in a baptism, seeing our own as a happy moment we in turn feel happiness for the one newly baptized. when death comes to a Christian, we feel sadness because death is, indeed, a sad event, but simultaneously we feel joy because we know that there is ultimate healing to come and that this person is with the Great Physician.
but there are those who see baptism and cannot have happiness, or those who see the death of a Christian and cannot, for the life of them, see hope or joy...there is no resonance. the sound of joy is not bouncing off the walls of their spirit. because they have no joy of their own.
over the past three days i have received more emails and messages than i know what to do with. some of them are messages of encouragement, appreciation, or "wow, what the heck?" but there have been numerous emails of people telling me their own story. specifically their story of failing and falling...followed by their story of redemption. in reading my story there was a resonance inside of them. they felt the loss i felt, they understood the pain i had, they experienced sin as i did...but more importantly they experienced freedom from sin, joy in restoration, the joy of forgiveness and the hope of life everlasting. when all of these things happen, sharing the story only reinforces the grace that saved you in the first place. it brings joy to hear of it and, in turn, it brings joy to share it.
this evening i wrote to a friend who shared with me his struggles and Christ's forgiveness. and with all sincerity i'll share here what i shared with him, "nothing cheers my heart more than to see sin conquered and redemption occur. God's glory in your story has only just begun." and it's true!! these past few days have brought a tremendous amount of joy to my heart. to see person after person relate their story of how God saved them from the pit of their own personal hell is remarkable!!! i am indeed so fortunate to be able to smile and maybe even do a little dance (inside my head, of course) at the extent of God's grace and compassion.
the way i've seen it
i have seen countless numbers of people over the past few years find freedom from their sin and pain. and for everyone i've seen find this freedom, it has begun, each and every time, with their confession of the state they're in. everyone of them would tell you that only by freeing themselves of the burden of lies and walking in the light of truth...has change actually occurred. many of them found freedom for a season, only to fall back into the very thing that was destroying them....alcohol, drugs, pornography, abuse, anger, adultery, violence, and the list goes on. it's not the hardest thing you'll go through....but it is the hardest place to start.
most of you who read this and find yourself in one of these categories may not ever speak of it. you'll continue to suffer pain, burden, loss and depression. trust me on this one thing...it won't go away and it will never get better.
here's why:
"cursed is the man who trusts in mankind, and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. for he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but willlive i n stony wastes in the wilderness....the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. who can understand it?" jeremiah 17:6,9
relying on ourselves has produced nothing but pain and chaos. for us and for all around us. you know this to be true because that one phrase resonates so deeply. it's not how it's supposed to be. it's not right. you say that to yourself over and over, "is this what life is? is this whati'm living for?" yes, it is....if you're doing it YOUR way.
a better way?
"confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." james 5:16
and more
"if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9
the context of that verse in 1 john is light vs. darkness. to live as though you have no sin, or that you have no struggles, or that there is nothing wrong is a lie. it's walking in darkness. "if we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." 1 john 1:6 you cannot live a truthful life without confession. there is no such thing in the bible as "private repentance." peter, after denying Jesus publicly confessed. thomas , after doubting Jesus, publicly confessed His Lordship. Paul, after approving murder found every opportunity he could to confess his sin and the grace that saved him from it. "if we walk in the light [truth] as He Himself is in the light [truth], we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." 1 john 1:7 confession not only restores our relationship with God...it restores our relationships with people....spouses, children, parents, siblings....even exes and those we've injured. God's grace reaches beyond what we have done and can, in fact, give us the chance to be forgiven and to forgive.
how do i start?
men: email me. call me. message me. i'll hear you out and give you a safe place to start. if not me then find a man that you trust. perhaps one who's been there before and knows grace. women: find a kindred spirit. a woman you can go to as a mother or sister. full of grace and truth.
whoever it is and wherever....the key is confession. get that burden OFF!! relief, forgiveness, joy and restoration is found ONLY in Jesus Christ and He calls you repent and believe.
He is faithful. He will do it.
He promises He will...and so do i.
i’ve never been to a nascar race…or drag race, or busch series or whatever. it’s just not my thing. but, i hear tales of such events. i hear how the low rumble of the engines takes life inside your chest and goes beyond the sound of engines into the physical rumbling of bones and organs. i also understand this to be the experience of a shuttle lift off, or a building detonation. the physical movement and physics of the event actually cause a simultaneous resonance in the body.
i’m convinced that this happens when we see, hear, or experience a life that is common to our own. when we are in the presence of experiences which are familiar to us, there are emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical resonances that we experience. we see this in movies as we cry along, identifying with sadness, and laughing or smiling as we identify with joy and happiness. we identify with fear and, in turn, get scared.
spiritually this happens as we see joy in a baptism, seeing our own as a happy moment we in turn feel happiness for the one newly baptized. when death comes to a Christian, we feel sadness because death is, indeed, a sad event, but simultaneously we feel joy because we know that there is ultimate healing to come and that this person is with the Great Physician.
but there are those who see baptism and cannot have happiness, or those who see the death of a Christian and cannot, for the life of them, see hope or joy...there is no resonance. the sound of joy is not bouncing off the walls of their spirit. because they have no joy of their own.
over the past three days i have received more emails and messages than i know what to do with. some of them are messages of encouragement, appreciation, or "wow, what the heck?" but there have been numerous emails of people telling me their own story. specifically their story of failing and falling...followed by their story of redemption. in reading my story there was a resonance inside of them. they felt the loss i felt, they understood the pain i had, they experienced sin as i did...but more importantly they experienced freedom from sin, joy in restoration, the joy of forgiveness and the hope of life everlasting. when all of these things happen, sharing the story only reinforces the grace that saved you in the first place. it brings joy to hear of it and, in turn, it brings joy to share it.
this evening i wrote to a friend who shared with me his struggles and Christ's forgiveness. and with all sincerity i'll share here what i shared with him, "nothing cheers my heart more than to see sin conquered and redemption occur. God's glory in your story has only just begun." and it's true!! these past few days have brought a tremendous amount of joy to my heart. to see person after person relate their story of how God saved them from the pit of their own personal hell is remarkable!!! i am indeed so fortunate to be able to smile and maybe even do a little dance (inside my head, of course) at the extent of God's grace and compassion.
the way i've seen it
i have seen countless numbers of people over the past few years find freedom from their sin and pain. and for everyone i've seen find this freedom, it has begun, each and every time, with their confession of the state they're in. everyone of them would tell you that only by freeing themselves of the burden of lies and walking in the light of truth...has change actually occurred. many of them found freedom for a season, only to fall back into the very thing that was destroying them....alcohol, drugs, pornography, abuse, anger, adultery, violence, and the list goes on. it's not the hardest thing you'll go through....but it is the hardest place to start.
most of you who read this and find yourself in one of these categories may not ever speak of it. you'll continue to suffer pain, burden, loss and depression. trust me on this one thing...it won't go away and it will never get better.
here's why:
"cursed is the man who trusts in mankind, and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. for he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but willlive i n stony wastes in the wilderness....the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. who can understand it?" jeremiah 17:6,9
relying on ourselves has produced nothing but pain and chaos. for us and for all around us. you know this to be true because that one phrase resonates so deeply. it's not how it's supposed to be. it's not right. you say that to yourself over and over, "is this what life is? is this whati'm living for?" yes, it is....if you're doing it YOUR way.
a better way?
"confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." james 5:16
and more
"if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9
the context of that verse in 1 john is light vs. darkness. to live as though you have no sin, or that you have no struggles, or that there is nothing wrong is a lie. it's walking in darkness. "if we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." 1 john 1:6 you cannot live a truthful life without confession. there is no such thing in the bible as "private repentance." peter, after denying Jesus publicly confessed. thomas , after doubting Jesus, publicly confessed His Lordship. Paul, after approving murder found every opportunity he could to confess his sin and the grace that saved him from it. "if we walk in the light [truth] as He Himself is in the light [truth], we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." 1 john 1:7 confession not only restores our relationship with God...it restores our relationships with people....spouses, children, parents, siblings....even exes and those we've injured. God's grace reaches beyond what we have done and can, in fact, give us the chance to be forgiven and to forgive.
how do i start?
men: email me. call me. message me. i'll hear you out and give you a safe place to start. if not me then find a man that you trust. perhaps one who's been there before and knows grace. women: find a kindred spirit. a woman you can go to as a mother or sister. full of grace and truth.
whoever it is and wherever....the key is confession. get that burden OFF!! relief, forgiveness, joy and restoration is found ONLY in Jesus Christ and He calls you repent and believe.
He is faithful. He will do it.
He promises He will...and so do i.
15 November, 2009
a chapter closed
words usually fail when describing moments that we cherish. our children's births, our wedding day, etc...for me it was the day i was able to go back to the place least expected. three years and three months ago i was excommunicated from the first baptist church of parker, texas, on grounds of adultery. the deeper, more pervasive sin was my full on deceit about who i was when i called myself "christian," but the other was more tangible, more identifiable. it was born out of the deceit and the ultimate reason for it. in the end, i was removed from fellowship. they broke all contact with me. most see that as harsh and not "loving." to me it was the most loving thing they could have done. they did it right. they did it well. and on 11/15/2009, at 1:15pm, i was able to look them all in the eye and say "thank you."
the following is my testimony. it's actually more my life story and so it's a little bit long. it's not what was exactly said this afternoon but with this many of you will understand to a greater degree what they already knew to be true. it's a little lengthy, but my hope and prayer is that if you do read it, perhaps you will be either encouraged in your walk with Christ or, if you need it, an exhortation to deal with the sin that so easily entangles before you get to the point where i was three years ago.
God bless you.
my story as i've seen it:
It has become increasingly intriguing to me how we relish the idea of “stories.” We read books, watch movies and TV . . . we even have “our shows” which we schedule for each week or watch all at once. We even claim a right to manipulate the stories because the producers and writers sometimes stink . . . we tell bedtime stories to our children and grandchildren, and facebook has basically made us into web voyeurs, watching the stories of our “friends” play out on an LCD. We have an inherent desire to safely walk in the shoes of others. We want to walk where others have already walked. We like the road most traveled and mapped out roads are the easy roads, roads of low risk and a relative escape from pain.
The Christian’s story, however, is anything but safe.
Throughout the years I have had the privilege of listening to many of them. Each of them has been unique yet in a place and time that is close to my own. These stories have not been a place for escapism and pleasure, they have been, instead, places of pain and struggle. Each story, while unique to the storyteller, has in a way been my own story played out with different characters, in different places, and for different reasons. And these stories, or what we more commonly refer to as testimonies, are stories of redemption, and inherent in the Christian’s story, unlike other stories, is a natural mirror where we, as Christians, end up seeing ourselves and our stories being played out in the corners of our minds as we listen. Each individual story is also a part of a larger story; a story of which we are all a part and in which we all have a voice. The following is my story and I have seen different reactions to it: surprise, sympathy, anger, judgment, compassion, pity, empathy, and so on. In my flesh I try to see these ahead of time, miss the hard ones and target the good ones. This is selfish, and instead my prayer ought to be that as I relate my story to you that you will find your mirror, wherever it may be, and see the work of Christ in your own life and worship Him as a response to His love and grace. This is the only response acceptable to any account of God’s love and grace in the life of any of His children, and it is my prayer that it will be yours.
Henri Nouwen's book The Return of the Prodigal Son is based on a painting by Rembrandt of the same title. It changed Nouwen's life.
For me, it was Mozart.
On a cool Thursday night, in November of 2006, I laid down to sleep for what I believed to be the last time. This sleep was going to be an eternal sleep. I wasn’t taking my life, I was simply convinced that it was going to be taken from me. I brushed my teeth, I changed my clothes, I readied my bed, and I put on a CD. I lied down in bed completely at ease. No fear. No emotion. Just the truth and acceptance of what was about to happen. As I was lying there I listened to the words of the music on the stereo. It was Mozart’s Requiem. His, “mass for the dead.” Fitting, I thought, for the night that was about to ensue. A little dramatic? Maybe. But when you’re that alone and that ready to say goodbye . . . all you want is what’s real. And for me, death was real. It was the only thing that was real.
The only part of the Requiem that rang over and over in my head that night were the first three stanzas of the Lacrimosa . . . the same three stanzas that sent Mozart running out of his final rehearsal before he died. They read like this:
Mournful that day
When from the dust shall rise
Guilty man to be judged
So there I was. Mournful. Guilty. And about to be judged.
Three and a half months before this night was a Monday. I was sitting at home, awaiting a phone call from a friend to make plans to go out for wings, when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to 5 men, men I knew, and men who in that moment made my heart sink into the pit of my stomach with such fervor that I nearly became sick. Although unexpected, I knew why they were there. Turning around to face the inside of the house I saw my wife already taking our then 4.5 and 3 year old children upstairs. She knew too. She had called them there.
This was the beginning of the loneliness.
The 5 men were from my church. One was the pastor and the other 4 men that he, and the church, highly respected, devout men, lovers of Jesus, seekers of the Truth. Men you should fear. And I did.
They asked me to leave. They were there to see that my wife and children were cared for, in a safe place, and their every need attended to. So, I left. I drove and I drove and I drove and I drove. And I went nowhere. That tends to be the place we most often end up when we run . . . nowhere. I finally settled on a little park near my home and waited. For 2 hours I waited. Have you ever waited to hear the worst news you could possibly hear? No surprises, you know it’s coming but nobody will say it? If you haven’t, it’s nothing short of awful. Those two hours felt like being chained to the bottom of the deep end of a pool, able to come up high enough to see my last breath but not actually take it.
The phone call came, and my lungs reacted as though I had just hit cold water. I met the men in the pastor’s office at the church. “Your wife has left you. She is with friends. Your children are with her. Do not contact them. Do not try to find them. Go home, we’ll be in touch.”
And that was it. No more. No less.
The left me with my thoughts, and they did it on purpose.
I went home and I went directly to my son’s room. I lost control of my knees and sobbing I fell to the floor. I began pounding the floor with my fist, saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” over and over again. I was begging for things to be different, begging to have them there with me, begging for the opportunity to take back the last 10 years of my life. I screamed into the dark void of a Godless night and begged for the opportunity to take back 10 years of lies . . . 8 years of neglectful marriage . . . 5 years of fake ministry . . . and 2 extramarital affairs spanning a total of 4 years.
Phil. 3:4-6 says:
“put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the law, found blameless.”
I was born in Houston, TX. Feb. 24th, 1975. Both of my parents are still living and still married. I have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother. I was raised in a Christian home where my father was a deacon and my mother in the choir. I was in church 3 times a week for the first 18 years of my life . . . the same church, for the first 18 years of my life. I confessed Christ when I was 9 and for the next 9 years was the model Christian child. I was a leader in the youth group and an advocate for Christ at my schools. In high school I decided that full time ministry was my future. I was leading worship, bible studies, and was a “go to guy” for most of what we did. My family had a reputation of the “model Christian family” and for the most part we were. We had our struggles, but all in all . . . it was good. Except for me.
I was introduced to pornography at 9, about the same time I felt neglected by my father. I developed a sinful craving that was never satiated and so I fed the craving however I could. I grew more and more distant from my father especially as I saw him taking what I perceived to be more of an interest in my younger brother than me. Resentment ensued and I clung harder and faster to relationships outside of my family. My intimate relationships were numerous and always serious, casual dating wasn’t something I was interested in. I needed the connection. I needed my needs to be met and I sought relationships that could do that, manipulating them to fit my needs. All the while outwardly being the model Christian boy. Typical struggles? Maybe. Maybe not.
I went to college at a small, private Baptist university in central TX where I double majored in literature and religion. I was the worship leader for a bible study on Thursday nights which ran anywhere from 100 to 300 in attendance and I did this for 3.5 years. During that time I met my future wife and pursued with her a relationship which was outwardly godly but privately sinful. We were married in the summer of 1998 and the following year I started at Dallas Theological Seminary with two of my closest friends. There we had the reputation of being “forefront thinkers.” A little “ahead of the curve” in terms of what was being taught. Expectations were a little higher. At least, I thought they were. My wife was teaching and I was going to school, and it was here . . . in a mecca for Christian study and preparation for ministry that I truly died. I still had a craving for relationship, and because my marriage was based on my selfish needs and not a desire to freely give and cherish and love and exhort her, my attention turned else where and I became involved in what was at first an emotional affair then later physical. The dualistic life continued and now to an even greater degree. I was living 2 lives. The seminarian, the good Christian, the youth pastor, the decent husband life . . . and the sinful life of an adulterer.
I graduated seminary in 02, 8 months after the birth of Benjamin, my son. I was in ministry at the time and the first affair was with someone at the church I was working at. During this time, the time in seminary and 2 years afterwards, I was well aware of my sin. It haunted me every night when I lied down next to my wife, as I picked up my children, as I taught scripture . . . as I prayed. I was also well aware of my status in my family, at my church, with my friends, in my “circle” . . . and being as how I always had a fear of disappointing someone I had only one option and that was to lie. And I was good at it. It would be said by someone years later, after all of this had happened, that it’s possible that one of 2 things were true: I was either so lost in sin and without God that I had no moral compass at all and therefore lying on a whim at any moment, each moment trying to cover up the last . . . or I was psychologically broken, that my brain actually believed there to be multiple life situations that were completely separate from each other and that’s how I functioned in them. Who knows, but at any given moment I could cover up 1 lie with two or three other, non-related lies and completely cover myself. I was good. Too good. And I knew it.
In August of 2004 we left that church. I was actually “let go” because the staff didn’t think I was reaching enough youth, but I knew and God knew that He was actually just protecting the congregation there. We went to another church, now with 2 children, not to work but to attend. My two friends, previously mentioned were there, and a host of other people I soon got to know quite well, including the pastor. Early 2005 marked the end of the first affair. For the rest of that year I fully believed I was scot free. No one knew, it never came out, and it was over. I did it!!! I actually accomplished it. Whooda thunk? I was still living the lie of a wonderful Christian man, but the guilt was not as heavy. I was working 60 hours a week and had no relationship with Christ, an empty one with my wife, and for the most part locked out my friends.
September of 2005 I started stressing out. I don’t really know why, but I did. I was still looking for authentic relationships and in Dec. of ’05 became involved with a co-worker and thus my second affair. The lies picked up right where they left off. And all the while I was getting more involved at church, staking more of a reputation, and all around me . . . my wife, my kids, my best friends, my pastor, my church, my family back home . . . clueless. All of them absolutely clueless.
And then came August 7th, the knocks on my door, and the 5 men . . . it was the day after my daughter’s 3rd birthday. The beginning of August is always bittersweet for me.
The day after the knocks on my door and the meeting in the pastor’s office, I received an email stating that I was to come to the pastor’s house to discuss things. At this point, they still don’t know what’s going on in my life currently or what had happened in the past. At best they have an inkling of something not being right or a very advanced educated guess. My wife had found some mildly incriminating evidence. It wasn’t enough for outright guilt, but enough to cause some concern. So, because they didn’t exactly know, I had a choice to make. “Do I confess? Or do I perpetuate the lie. I’ve gotten this far. Why wouldn’t I be able to go farther?”
1 john 1.10 says:
“if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.”
While sitting on a couch, surrounded by the 5 men, an interrogation began. Questions of what’s and who’s and how’s and why’s . . . an interrogation that I was expecting, and just an hour earlier had decided in my heart to go along with. The pain of my heart, the outright anguish of fear and pride and selfishness and lying and lust had taken its toll. Even if it wasn’t for the right “spiritual reason” or for the sake of saving my marriage, I had decided to let it out. All of it. For 10 or so years I had been saving my own life. Covering up the truth with lies to “save face” and to show everyone around just how good I was. It had proved to be too much. My soul was crushed, my mind was void of truth, and my body was in survival mode . . . whoever I truly ever was had vanished and had been consumed by what I had become. I was no longer a son, a brother, a friend, a father, or a husband. I felt as though I was nothing.
After about an hour, my head was pounding from the tears. Multiple times we had to stop so I could catch my breath, often times not breathing for what seemed like eons. But for the first time in my life . . . somebody knew something. The proverbial weight lifted off of me, and I physically felt as though something actually lifted off my shoulders
Then my pastor asked me to follow him.
I followed him through his kitchen and down a short, dark hallway into his study. When I entered the room the weight which had just been lifted off came crashing down with the force of what felt like all of the judgment of God pressed by His own hand down directly onto my soul. Across the room, on a couch, sat my wife, with my pastor’s wife close by her side.
In the next few moments I confessed everything I had just said to the men, directly to her. Uncontrollably weeping she nearly fell to the floor. Uncontrollably weeping I nearly fell to the floor. Hell. It’s the only word there is.
We returned to the living room. More questions. More confession. And another trip to the back. This walk was longer. This walk was harder. This walk was darker. This walk was the walk of a man to his execution. Unlike the last time, I knew what awaited me.
I cannot tell you what ten years of torment being piled upon you all at once feels like. And I cannot tell you what 10 years of lies and betrayal from the one you trusted most does to your heart. But I can tell you what it looks like . . . and if I never see that look again it would be too soon.
I left there and went home, exhausted. Relieved. Anxious. Afraid. Hopeful. Desperate . . . and alone
Nouwen writes in The Return of the Prodigal Son:
True loneliness comes when we have lost all sense of having things in common.
The following Sunday I was excommunicated from the church. They held a service which has been reported to me as being akin to a funeral service. “a brother is dead,” would have been the mantra. No one was to contact me. I was cut off completely. I was a severed limb from the body of Christ. And that chapter closed. Except for my family back home, all that I had known for 30 years was gone. Friends. Family. Church. Respect. . . . all gone. All in a moment.
About a week later I saw and spoke to my wife and kids for the first time. It was a tearful reunion. I was served divorce papers in early September and it was final the first of Novermber, just before the evening of Mozart and only three months after it all started. Those three months I lived in sin. Completely alone, and left by nearly everyone I knew, I turned to a sinful relationship, the only thing I knew. All of the confession, all of the tears, all of the pain and all of the “I’m sorries” . . . self seeking and empty. True repentance had not come.
Then came Mozart . . . and things began to change.
Another Nouwen quote:
“that voice called me ‘son.’ [but] the anguish of abandonment was so biting that it was hard, almost impossible, to believe that voice.
I obviously woke up the morning I wasn’t supposed to, and shortly after that two old friends found me and invested in me. One a friend of 17 years and one of 18, did what no one else had . . . they played the part of the prodigal son’s father. Throughout the rest of 2006 and through 2007 and into 2008, these two men walked with me. I made a ton of mistakes, sinned, fell, got up, walked, fell again . . . yet they never wavered. I made baby steps towards repentance and a true relationship with Christ. They were patient with me when they needed to be, harsh when they needed to be, and always loving.
Then, on an early February day, after a series of events and mistakes that had me leave the church I was attending, while driving a long stretch of road between McKinney and Frisco, God and I had a fight. Listening to a sermon on grace I began to feel hate for the idea of it boiling up inside of me. It repulsed me, and I let God know it. I had been working so hard for righteousness, to be what Christians are supposed to be. All of this church I was now attending, and bible I was reading, and bible studies, and service and church and more church and more service and more bible was all adding up in my head and in one swift movement my hand came crashing down onto the steering wheel in three quick movements along with a screaming exclamation . . . “I GIVE UP!!” I quit. I was done with this game of church. I no longer wanted it. I was done with the prayer. I wasn’t good at it anyway. Everything I did failed. Everything I was doing to be what everyone else was telling me I needed to be had gotten the best of me and I did not like what I was becoming. So, I told God. And I quit. I crossed my arms, stuck out my bottom lip, took my ball, and went home.
In that moment, on that road, in that car, and with tears streaming down my face he placed his hands on my bruised and broken soul . . . gently . . . firmly. He kissed the top of my dirty head and said “good, now I can do My work.” Just as in one moment he had taken everything away, he gave me new life and everything I would ever need. Grace.
A dear friend of mine, shortly before my car conversion, gave me a CD with a song on it containing these lyrics.
Son, you're trying to earn
What is far beyond you
Son, you're trying to earn
What is freely given
Every time that you try to just reduce
This to a give and take
You spit in my face
And tell Me that this blood was shed in vain
I began seeing a counselor and attending a recovery program. Although much like AA and other addiction therapy programs, this one was Christ centered and biblically focused. Hearing the stories of countless others and their struggles. . . . drugs, sex, alcohol, abuse, rape, anger, adultery . . . those having both committed and been sinned against, i found out what it truly meant to live freely. The process to see it wasn’t easy, taking an inventory of my life, digging deeper than I really cared to, in order to find the real reason why I chose to sin the way I did. There was more junk in there than I cared to see . . . but to be free of it gives me hope for a future.
Yet another Nouwen quote:
A step toward the platform where the father embraces his kneeling son. It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and compete trust.
Living free means confessing sin. “I goofed” or “oops, I did it again” is not confession. I have learned that confession comes from a contrite heart . . . a heart that gives up all that he is (the son) and reduces his own stock to that of something much less (a hired servant). That is humility. That is confession.
Living free means giving up and then taking hold. I have learned that the truly repentant person will not simply give up sin; he will instead run and cling to Christ. If this doesn’t happen, he is not truly repentant.
Living free means realizing that it isn’t about me. Living free means believing that everything that I’ve have been through is the vehicle that will bring glory to my God. Living free means being me, letting others see me being me, and giving up every pretentious bone in my body. It’s not about me. God isn’t circling around me, making my salvation about me so I can be praised, and applauded. God is the center of it all . . . with us circling around Him, loving Him, worshiping Him, serving Him, enjoying His presence and showing others life outside the dark cave of their sin . . . showing men who know only of dark, the sun that rises in the morning.
Living free means that I must see my life on the path of becoming the father in the story of the prodigal son. Receiving with love and compassion the lost and hurting. Redemption and reconciliation. We are all the prodigal and we are all the older brother. But we are all called to be the father.
So, where am I now?
I have made amends with most of those I have sinned against, and attempted with the rest. I have given up the pretentious life of the “good Christian,” having found it displeasing and useless. I am re-learning what I believe. In fact I am relearning what it means to believe. I’m taking my seminary education and letting it penetrate my heart and mind, a road I should have traveled years ago. I’ve spent the better part of two years, with friends, pastors, and family, in both discussion and debate, trying to decide what I believe about divorce and re-marriage . . . still working on that one. (wink wink, nudge nudge). And in all of that I have learned to no longer come to scripture with my life questions, looking for answers in proof texts. Instead I try to come to scripture in search of Christ and have been amazed at the questions that have been answered. I still struggle; temptations are real and present and always will be. Jesus promised me this. But he also promised me that if I draw near to Him . . . gosh that is SO key . . . that He will draw near to me. The ultimate relationship. So I am drawing near as best I can.
I am also thankful, and I’ll finish with this:
1. I am thankful for my friends who through perseverance and love did not quit until God broke me. A good friend does not let you get away with sin.
2. I am thankful for my church. A recommendation brought me to Christ church . . . coffee with 2 priests kept me there. I saw compassion, truth, and hope in those 2 men. I had not seen that for a long, long time with regards to church staff.
3. I am thankful for the 5 men that knocked on my door, especially the pastor. Ironically, it was the last time I saw compassion, truth, and hope from church staff. Most people who hear my story do not look so favorably on those 5 men. Most feel as if their tactics and practice were harsh, out dated, fundamentalist, even mean. But for the past 2 years I have been their best advocate and defending them and their actions to all who challenge it. They acted biblically . . . “they expelled the immoral brother” of 1 Corinthians. They were not fighting me they were fighting sin. Open and heinous sin. This past October I met with those 5 men and shared with them my life and what Christ had done in it. I left that same office where they told me my wife had left me, with an embrace from each one. Loving and gentle . . . 5 fathers welcoming home the prodigal son. You see, they let me go . . . in hopes that Christ would bring me back. If only more men would have such backbone. If only more men would have the backbone in their own lives and families.
4. I am thankful for my children. BLESSINGS!!! Words cannot describe what these two angels mean to me. Through them God has raked me over the coals. About 2 months after the knocks on my door my then 4.5 year old son, Benjamin, asked me, “why did you lie to mommy?” At 4.5 he understood sin, that I committed it, and he needed to know why. My heart broke. Every time my daughter Cait looks at me I melt. For everything that I have done so wrong how can they still look at me as though I hung the moon?
5. I am thankful for my ex-wife. A year after the divorce was final, in November of 2007, she and I went to dinner. She looked me in the eye and with small, silent tears said, “I forgive you. completely.” She was the true father in this prodigal story. Last year, in November (do you see a pattern?) She remarried. She married a man who loves my kids and who, in turn, love him. I am thankful for him, too.
6. And lastly, I am thankful for you, and for anyone who will sit and listen to my story. Not because I need you to or necessarily want you to. It doesn’t really paint me in the best light. But the opportunity to share what Christ has done for me . . . about how He let me go to squander my life, my mind, my body, and my soul and then after all of my sin so gently lay his hands upon me, and bless me. I want you to feel the same touch, the same grace, the same freedom . . . the same love. I could have said much more about my story. I left some out due to time and details to protect others, but I am more than willing to take you to get a cup of coffee and share more, or even hear your story, which I would love to do. Each day adds one more to the story of His grace, and no number of books written could contain all that He has done in my heart.
The focus of it all is the glory of God. My story is only the tiniest fraction of the whole story of redemption, played out through all of time unto God’s glory. It’s why I exist. It’s why you exist. It’s why Jesus came and did what He did. And it’s why we must embrace it . . . beating, cross, blood, death . . . all looking forward to our future resurrection. I couldn’t think of a better time to let God get hold of you.
I’m still a work in progress. Trying to serve my God and my church. I love my new friends and cannot wait to see what relationships transpire. Thank you again for being here . . . and for listening.
the following is my testimony. it's actually more my life story and so it's a little bit long. it's not what was exactly said this afternoon but with this many of you will understand to a greater degree what they already knew to be true. it's a little lengthy, but my hope and prayer is that if you do read it, perhaps you will be either encouraged in your walk with Christ or, if you need it, an exhortation to deal with the sin that so easily entangles before you get to the point where i was three years ago.
God bless you.
my story as i've seen it:
It has become increasingly intriguing to me how we relish the idea of “stories.” We read books, watch movies and TV . . . we even have “our shows” which we schedule for each week or watch all at once. We even claim a right to manipulate the stories because the producers and writers sometimes stink . . . we tell bedtime stories to our children and grandchildren, and facebook has basically made us into web voyeurs, watching the stories of our “friends” play out on an LCD. We have an inherent desire to safely walk in the shoes of others. We want to walk where others have already walked. We like the road most traveled and mapped out roads are the easy roads, roads of low risk and a relative escape from pain.
The Christian’s story, however, is anything but safe.
Throughout the years I have had the privilege of listening to many of them. Each of them has been unique yet in a place and time that is close to my own. These stories have not been a place for escapism and pleasure, they have been, instead, places of pain and struggle. Each story, while unique to the storyteller, has in a way been my own story played out with different characters, in different places, and for different reasons. And these stories, or what we more commonly refer to as testimonies, are stories of redemption, and inherent in the Christian’s story, unlike other stories, is a natural mirror where we, as Christians, end up seeing ourselves and our stories being played out in the corners of our minds as we listen. Each individual story is also a part of a larger story; a story of which we are all a part and in which we all have a voice. The following is my story and I have seen different reactions to it: surprise, sympathy, anger, judgment, compassion, pity, empathy, and so on. In my flesh I try to see these ahead of time, miss the hard ones and target the good ones. This is selfish, and instead my prayer ought to be that as I relate my story to you that you will find your mirror, wherever it may be, and see the work of Christ in your own life and worship Him as a response to His love and grace. This is the only response acceptable to any account of God’s love and grace in the life of any of His children, and it is my prayer that it will be yours.
Henri Nouwen's book The Return of the Prodigal Son is based on a painting by Rembrandt of the same title. It changed Nouwen's life.
For me, it was Mozart.
On a cool Thursday night, in November of 2006, I laid down to sleep for what I believed to be the last time. This sleep was going to be an eternal sleep. I wasn’t taking my life, I was simply convinced that it was going to be taken from me. I brushed my teeth, I changed my clothes, I readied my bed, and I put on a CD. I lied down in bed completely at ease. No fear. No emotion. Just the truth and acceptance of what was about to happen. As I was lying there I listened to the words of the music on the stereo. It was Mozart’s Requiem. His, “mass for the dead.” Fitting, I thought, for the night that was about to ensue. A little dramatic? Maybe. But when you’re that alone and that ready to say goodbye . . . all you want is what’s real. And for me, death was real. It was the only thing that was real.
The only part of the Requiem that rang over and over in my head that night were the first three stanzas of the Lacrimosa . . . the same three stanzas that sent Mozart running out of his final rehearsal before he died. They read like this:
Mournful that day
When from the dust shall rise
Guilty man to be judged
So there I was. Mournful. Guilty. And about to be judged.
Three and a half months before this night was a Monday. I was sitting at home, awaiting a phone call from a friend to make plans to go out for wings, when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to 5 men, men I knew, and men who in that moment made my heart sink into the pit of my stomach with such fervor that I nearly became sick. Although unexpected, I knew why they were there. Turning around to face the inside of the house I saw my wife already taking our then 4.5 and 3 year old children upstairs. She knew too. She had called them there.
This was the beginning of the loneliness.
The 5 men were from my church. One was the pastor and the other 4 men that he, and the church, highly respected, devout men, lovers of Jesus, seekers of the Truth. Men you should fear. And I did.
They asked me to leave. They were there to see that my wife and children were cared for, in a safe place, and their every need attended to. So, I left. I drove and I drove and I drove and I drove. And I went nowhere. That tends to be the place we most often end up when we run . . . nowhere. I finally settled on a little park near my home and waited. For 2 hours I waited. Have you ever waited to hear the worst news you could possibly hear? No surprises, you know it’s coming but nobody will say it? If you haven’t, it’s nothing short of awful. Those two hours felt like being chained to the bottom of the deep end of a pool, able to come up high enough to see my last breath but not actually take it.
The phone call came, and my lungs reacted as though I had just hit cold water. I met the men in the pastor’s office at the church. “Your wife has left you. She is with friends. Your children are with her. Do not contact them. Do not try to find them. Go home, we’ll be in touch.”
And that was it. No more. No less.
The left me with my thoughts, and they did it on purpose.
I went home and I went directly to my son’s room. I lost control of my knees and sobbing I fell to the floor. I began pounding the floor with my fist, saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” over and over again. I was begging for things to be different, begging to have them there with me, begging for the opportunity to take back the last 10 years of my life. I screamed into the dark void of a Godless night and begged for the opportunity to take back 10 years of lies . . . 8 years of neglectful marriage . . . 5 years of fake ministry . . . and 2 extramarital affairs spanning a total of 4 years.
Phil. 3:4-6 says:
“put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the law, found blameless.”
I was born in Houston, TX. Feb. 24th, 1975. Both of my parents are still living and still married. I have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother. I was raised in a Christian home where my father was a deacon and my mother in the choir. I was in church 3 times a week for the first 18 years of my life . . . the same church, for the first 18 years of my life. I confessed Christ when I was 9 and for the next 9 years was the model Christian child. I was a leader in the youth group and an advocate for Christ at my schools. In high school I decided that full time ministry was my future. I was leading worship, bible studies, and was a “go to guy” for most of what we did. My family had a reputation of the “model Christian family” and for the most part we were. We had our struggles, but all in all . . . it was good. Except for me.
I was introduced to pornography at 9, about the same time I felt neglected by my father. I developed a sinful craving that was never satiated and so I fed the craving however I could. I grew more and more distant from my father especially as I saw him taking what I perceived to be more of an interest in my younger brother than me. Resentment ensued and I clung harder and faster to relationships outside of my family. My intimate relationships were numerous and always serious, casual dating wasn’t something I was interested in. I needed the connection. I needed my needs to be met and I sought relationships that could do that, manipulating them to fit my needs. All the while outwardly being the model Christian boy. Typical struggles? Maybe. Maybe not.
I went to college at a small, private Baptist university in central TX where I double majored in literature and religion. I was the worship leader for a bible study on Thursday nights which ran anywhere from 100 to 300 in attendance and I did this for 3.5 years. During that time I met my future wife and pursued with her a relationship which was outwardly godly but privately sinful. We were married in the summer of 1998 and the following year I started at Dallas Theological Seminary with two of my closest friends. There we had the reputation of being “forefront thinkers.” A little “ahead of the curve” in terms of what was being taught. Expectations were a little higher. At least, I thought they were. My wife was teaching and I was going to school, and it was here . . . in a mecca for Christian study and preparation for ministry that I truly died. I still had a craving for relationship, and because my marriage was based on my selfish needs and not a desire to freely give and cherish and love and exhort her, my attention turned else where and I became involved in what was at first an emotional affair then later physical. The dualistic life continued and now to an even greater degree. I was living 2 lives. The seminarian, the good Christian, the youth pastor, the decent husband life . . . and the sinful life of an adulterer.
I graduated seminary in 02, 8 months after the birth of Benjamin, my son. I was in ministry at the time and the first affair was with someone at the church I was working at. During this time, the time in seminary and 2 years afterwards, I was well aware of my sin. It haunted me every night when I lied down next to my wife, as I picked up my children, as I taught scripture . . . as I prayed. I was also well aware of my status in my family, at my church, with my friends, in my “circle” . . . and being as how I always had a fear of disappointing someone I had only one option and that was to lie. And I was good at it. It would be said by someone years later, after all of this had happened, that it’s possible that one of 2 things were true: I was either so lost in sin and without God that I had no moral compass at all and therefore lying on a whim at any moment, each moment trying to cover up the last . . . or I was psychologically broken, that my brain actually believed there to be multiple life situations that were completely separate from each other and that’s how I functioned in them. Who knows, but at any given moment I could cover up 1 lie with two or three other, non-related lies and completely cover myself. I was good. Too good. And I knew it.
In August of 2004 we left that church. I was actually “let go” because the staff didn’t think I was reaching enough youth, but I knew and God knew that He was actually just protecting the congregation there. We went to another church, now with 2 children, not to work but to attend. My two friends, previously mentioned were there, and a host of other people I soon got to know quite well, including the pastor. Early 2005 marked the end of the first affair. For the rest of that year I fully believed I was scot free. No one knew, it never came out, and it was over. I did it!!! I actually accomplished it. Whooda thunk? I was still living the lie of a wonderful Christian man, but the guilt was not as heavy. I was working 60 hours a week and had no relationship with Christ, an empty one with my wife, and for the most part locked out my friends.
September of 2005 I started stressing out. I don’t really know why, but I did. I was still looking for authentic relationships and in Dec. of ’05 became involved with a co-worker and thus my second affair. The lies picked up right where they left off. And all the while I was getting more involved at church, staking more of a reputation, and all around me . . . my wife, my kids, my best friends, my pastor, my church, my family back home . . . clueless. All of them absolutely clueless.
And then came August 7th, the knocks on my door, and the 5 men . . . it was the day after my daughter’s 3rd birthday. The beginning of August is always bittersweet for me.
The day after the knocks on my door and the meeting in the pastor’s office, I received an email stating that I was to come to the pastor’s house to discuss things. At this point, they still don’t know what’s going on in my life currently or what had happened in the past. At best they have an inkling of something not being right or a very advanced educated guess. My wife had found some mildly incriminating evidence. It wasn’t enough for outright guilt, but enough to cause some concern. So, because they didn’t exactly know, I had a choice to make. “Do I confess? Or do I perpetuate the lie. I’ve gotten this far. Why wouldn’t I be able to go farther?”
1 john 1.10 says:
“if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.”
While sitting on a couch, surrounded by the 5 men, an interrogation began. Questions of what’s and who’s and how’s and why’s . . . an interrogation that I was expecting, and just an hour earlier had decided in my heart to go along with. The pain of my heart, the outright anguish of fear and pride and selfishness and lying and lust had taken its toll. Even if it wasn’t for the right “spiritual reason” or for the sake of saving my marriage, I had decided to let it out. All of it. For 10 or so years I had been saving my own life. Covering up the truth with lies to “save face” and to show everyone around just how good I was. It had proved to be too much. My soul was crushed, my mind was void of truth, and my body was in survival mode . . . whoever I truly ever was had vanished and had been consumed by what I had become. I was no longer a son, a brother, a friend, a father, or a husband. I felt as though I was nothing.
After about an hour, my head was pounding from the tears. Multiple times we had to stop so I could catch my breath, often times not breathing for what seemed like eons. But for the first time in my life . . . somebody knew something. The proverbial weight lifted off of me, and I physically felt as though something actually lifted off my shoulders
Then my pastor asked me to follow him.
I followed him through his kitchen and down a short, dark hallway into his study. When I entered the room the weight which had just been lifted off came crashing down with the force of what felt like all of the judgment of God pressed by His own hand down directly onto my soul. Across the room, on a couch, sat my wife, with my pastor’s wife close by her side.
In the next few moments I confessed everything I had just said to the men, directly to her. Uncontrollably weeping she nearly fell to the floor. Uncontrollably weeping I nearly fell to the floor. Hell. It’s the only word there is.
We returned to the living room. More questions. More confession. And another trip to the back. This walk was longer. This walk was harder. This walk was darker. This walk was the walk of a man to his execution. Unlike the last time, I knew what awaited me.
I cannot tell you what ten years of torment being piled upon you all at once feels like. And I cannot tell you what 10 years of lies and betrayal from the one you trusted most does to your heart. But I can tell you what it looks like . . . and if I never see that look again it would be too soon.
I left there and went home, exhausted. Relieved. Anxious. Afraid. Hopeful. Desperate . . . and alone
Nouwen writes in The Return of the Prodigal Son:
True loneliness comes when we have lost all sense of having things in common.
The following Sunday I was excommunicated from the church. They held a service which has been reported to me as being akin to a funeral service. “a brother is dead,” would have been the mantra. No one was to contact me. I was cut off completely. I was a severed limb from the body of Christ. And that chapter closed. Except for my family back home, all that I had known for 30 years was gone. Friends. Family. Church. Respect. . . . all gone. All in a moment.
About a week later I saw and spoke to my wife and kids for the first time. It was a tearful reunion. I was served divorce papers in early September and it was final the first of Novermber, just before the evening of Mozart and only three months after it all started. Those three months I lived in sin. Completely alone, and left by nearly everyone I knew, I turned to a sinful relationship, the only thing I knew. All of the confession, all of the tears, all of the pain and all of the “I’m sorries” . . . self seeking and empty. True repentance had not come.
Then came Mozart . . . and things began to change.
Another Nouwen quote:
“that voice called me ‘son.’ [but] the anguish of abandonment was so biting that it was hard, almost impossible, to believe that voice.
I obviously woke up the morning I wasn’t supposed to, and shortly after that two old friends found me and invested in me. One a friend of 17 years and one of 18, did what no one else had . . . they played the part of the prodigal son’s father. Throughout the rest of 2006 and through 2007 and into 2008, these two men walked with me. I made a ton of mistakes, sinned, fell, got up, walked, fell again . . . yet they never wavered. I made baby steps towards repentance and a true relationship with Christ. They were patient with me when they needed to be, harsh when they needed to be, and always loving.
Then, on an early February day, after a series of events and mistakes that had me leave the church I was attending, while driving a long stretch of road between McKinney and Frisco, God and I had a fight. Listening to a sermon on grace I began to feel hate for the idea of it boiling up inside of me. It repulsed me, and I let God know it. I had been working so hard for righteousness, to be what Christians are supposed to be. All of this church I was now attending, and bible I was reading, and bible studies, and service and church and more church and more service and more bible was all adding up in my head and in one swift movement my hand came crashing down onto the steering wheel in three quick movements along with a screaming exclamation . . . “I GIVE UP!!” I quit. I was done with this game of church. I no longer wanted it. I was done with the prayer. I wasn’t good at it anyway. Everything I did failed. Everything I was doing to be what everyone else was telling me I needed to be had gotten the best of me and I did not like what I was becoming. So, I told God. And I quit. I crossed my arms, stuck out my bottom lip, took my ball, and went home.
In that moment, on that road, in that car, and with tears streaming down my face he placed his hands on my bruised and broken soul . . . gently . . . firmly. He kissed the top of my dirty head and said “good, now I can do My work.” Just as in one moment he had taken everything away, he gave me new life and everything I would ever need. Grace.
A dear friend of mine, shortly before my car conversion, gave me a CD with a song on it containing these lyrics.
Son, you're trying to earn
What is far beyond you
Son, you're trying to earn
What is freely given
Every time that you try to just reduce
This to a give and take
You spit in my face
And tell Me that this blood was shed in vain
I began seeing a counselor and attending a recovery program. Although much like AA and other addiction therapy programs, this one was Christ centered and biblically focused. Hearing the stories of countless others and their struggles. . . . drugs, sex, alcohol, abuse, rape, anger, adultery . . . those having both committed and been sinned against, i found out what it truly meant to live freely. The process to see it wasn’t easy, taking an inventory of my life, digging deeper than I really cared to, in order to find the real reason why I chose to sin the way I did. There was more junk in there than I cared to see . . . but to be free of it gives me hope for a future.
Yet another Nouwen quote:
A step toward the platform where the father embraces his kneeling son. It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and compete trust.
Living free means confessing sin. “I goofed” or “oops, I did it again” is not confession. I have learned that confession comes from a contrite heart . . . a heart that gives up all that he is (the son) and reduces his own stock to that of something much less (a hired servant). That is humility. That is confession.
Living free means giving up and then taking hold. I have learned that the truly repentant person will not simply give up sin; he will instead run and cling to Christ. If this doesn’t happen, he is not truly repentant.
Living free means realizing that it isn’t about me. Living free means believing that everything that I’ve have been through is the vehicle that will bring glory to my God. Living free means being me, letting others see me being me, and giving up every pretentious bone in my body. It’s not about me. God isn’t circling around me, making my salvation about me so I can be praised, and applauded. God is the center of it all . . . with us circling around Him, loving Him, worshiping Him, serving Him, enjoying His presence and showing others life outside the dark cave of their sin . . . showing men who know only of dark, the sun that rises in the morning.
Living free means that I must see my life on the path of becoming the father in the story of the prodigal son. Receiving with love and compassion the lost and hurting. Redemption and reconciliation. We are all the prodigal and we are all the older brother. But we are all called to be the father.
So, where am I now?
I have made amends with most of those I have sinned against, and attempted with the rest. I have given up the pretentious life of the “good Christian,” having found it displeasing and useless. I am re-learning what I believe. In fact I am relearning what it means to believe. I’m taking my seminary education and letting it penetrate my heart and mind, a road I should have traveled years ago. I’ve spent the better part of two years, with friends, pastors, and family, in both discussion and debate, trying to decide what I believe about divorce and re-marriage . . . still working on that one. (wink wink, nudge nudge). And in all of that I have learned to no longer come to scripture with my life questions, looking for answers in proof texts. Instead I try to come to scripture in search of Christ and have been amazed at the questions that have been answered. I still struggle; temptations are real and present and always will be. Jesus promised me this. But he also promised me that if I draw near to Him . . . gosh that is SO key . . . that He will draw near to me. The ultimate relationship. So I am drawing near as best I can.
I am also thankful, and I’ll finish with this:
1. I am thankful for my friends who through perseverance and love did not quit until God broke me. A good friend does not let you get away with sin.
2. I am thankful for my church. A recommendation brought me to Christ church . . . coffee with 2 priests kept me there. I saw compassion, truth, and hope in those 2 men. I had not seen that for a long, long time with regards to church staff.
3. I am thankful for the 5 men that knocked on my door, especially the pastor. Ironically, it was the last time I saw compassion, truth, and hope from church staff. Most people who hear my story do not look so favorably on those 5 men. Most feel as if their tactics and practice were harsh, out dated, fundamentalist, even mean. But for the past 2 years I have been their best advocate and defending them and their actions to all who challenge it. They acted biblically . . . “they expelled the immoral brother” of 1 Corinthians. They were not fighting me they were fighting sin. Open and heinous sin. This past October I met with those 5 men and shared with them my life and what Christ had done in it. I left that same office where they told me my wife had left me, with an embrace from each one. Loving and gentle . . . 5 fathers welcoming home the prodigal son. You see, they let me go . . . in hopes that Christ would bring me back. If only more men would have such backbone. If only more men would have the backbone in their own lives and families.
4. I am thankful for my children. BLESSINGS!!! Words cannot describe what these two angels mean to me. Through them God has raked me over the coals. About 2 months after the knocks on my door my then 4.5 year old son, Benjamin, asked me, “why did you lie to mommy?” At 4.5 he understood sin, that I committed it, and he needed to know why. My heart broke. Every time my daughter Cait looks at me I melt. For everything that I have done so wrong how can they still look at me as though I hung the moon?
5. I am thankful for my ex-wife. A year after the divorce was final, in November of 2007, she and I went to dinner. She looked me in the eye and with small, silent tears said, “I forgive you. completely.” She was the true father in this prodigal story. Last year, in November (do you see a pattern?) She remarried. She married a man who loves my kids and who, in turn, love him. I am thankful for him, too.
6. And lastly, I am thankful for you, and for anyone who will sit and listen to my story. Not because I need you to or necessarily want you to. It doesn’t really paint me in the best light. But the opportunity to share what Christ has done for me . . . about how He let me go to squander my life, my mind, my body, and my soul and then after all of my sin so gently lay his hands upon me, and bless me. I want you to feel the same touch, the same grace, the same freedom . . . the same love. I could have said much more about my story. I left some out due to time and details to protect others, but I am more than willing to take you to get a cup of coffee and share more, or even hear your story, which I would love to do. Each day adds one more to the story of His grace, and no number of books written could contain all that He has done in my heart.
The focus of it all is the glory of God. My story is only the tiniest fraction of the whole story of redemption, played out through all of time unto God’s glory. It’s why I exist. It’s why you exist. It’s why Jesus came and did what He did. And it’s why we must embrace it . . . beating, cross, blood, death . . . all looking forward to our future resurrection. I couldn’t think of a better time to let God get hold of you.
I’m still a work in progress. Trying to serve my God and my church. I love my new friends and cannot wait to see what relationships transpire. Thank you again for being here . . . and for listening.
31 August, 2009
the kingdom and the church
just about a week ago, a friend posed this question, "what is the Church here for?" simple, to the point, and too complex to digest. i gave an answer, in my mind satisfactorily, but since then it has been ever present on my thoughts throughout the past week. my answer, "to be salt and light in the world."
it's a good answer because all i really did was quote the bible. but it's an answer that has haunted me because i became increasingly aware that i wasn't sure if i could fill in all the holes that it left. sure, no one answer can be complete. outside of just saying "Jesus," what answer can we give that is not lacking in some respect or another? but it's been on my mind and heart to at least attempt and answer, a more complete one, so at the very least i myself can move forward as i try to find my place in the church, world, and community in which i live.
so, here goes...(this is from the mind of a confessed simpleton on these matters....still trying to figure it all out. there's stuff missing....but i feel this to be the heart of the matter)
growing up the church was our place of worship, our place of outreach, our place of service, and our home away from home. it was on the corner of 5th and wood and over time grew to 4 buildings. pastors, ministries, events and services, it was what i knew to be "church." it wasn't until much later that i realized that the church was a living, breathing organism that was growing, learning, falling, getting back up, serving, living....it was very much the collective version of a normal human life. only, it was a group. a group of millions that was one.
the church has had it's moments....good and bad. from the brutality of the crusades to the height of the reformation, from the early church's hard-line stance on heresy to the late church's embracing of it. our members have fallen from great heights (i can bear testimony) and our members have lived lives of service to our God....jonathan edwards, john calvin, john wesley, charles h. spurgeon, st. francis of assisi, st. augustine, and the list goes on and on. but what is it that marks us? what is it that screams to the world, "we are the church of the living God!"?
at the beginning of His ministry, Christ proclaimed the kingdom of God. He said that it was near (Mark 14.15) and that man's response was to be repentance and belief. repentance from sin, and a belief in Jesus....the Son of God. Messiah. King.
Jews at the time, and to this day, were looking for Messiah...the chosen one. He was to be the son of david. david, until the time of Messiah, was hailed as the king of kings, the greatest to have lived. Messiah would take up that name, King of kings, Lord of lords, and bear it like no other, not even David himself. when Jesus came, he hailed Himself the chosen one. King. Lord. Messiah. the kingdom of God had come, and so had it's king. like the arthurian legend centuries later, Jesus was the King who came to save a nation from the tyranny of its enemies. as was promised.
only, Jesus had other plans. instead of freeing Israel from the tyranny of Rome, it's militant enemy, Jesus proclaimed that He had come to save them from their real enemy....sin. "the kingdom of God has come, repent (turn from the real enemy and follow the real kingdom) and believe!" the Jews were supposed to get this. the slavery of sin and its freedom (exodus from egypt).....baptism and passing through the waters (the red sea)....it was what they had lived and known for thousands of years, now truly come to pass. a real defeat of the real enemy that bulls and goats could not cover through the sacrificial system. but they didn't, and they still seek.
but what of those who did hear and follow? who are they, what are they to do? they are the church and Jesus admonishes them to do many things. "go, make disciples", "be holy as I am holy," "be the salt of the earth, and a light on a hill."
as the church we are to be set apart from the world (this is what it means to be holy), not perfect, not sin free, but holy. the church is different from the world and we are to look different: in our actions, in our attitudes, in our desires, in our goals, in our families, in our personal relationships. our lives should simply speak, "Jesus." that word may not always come out, but the meaning is the same. people will see grace, mercy, justice, and above all love.. the world will see a family loving each other and those around it. it will see a people devoted to something other than themselves.
how do we do this? how do we set ourselves apart? we make disciples. "go, make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them (there's the going through water out of slavery) in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." (Matthew 28:19) disciples are in a different kingdom and need to learn what it's like to live in that kingdom. a kingdom of grace. a kingdom of mercy. a kingdom of love. it is a "come as you are" kingdom, but once here things change. repentance happens, lives transform, the image of Christ takes on meaning and identification in the Church comes to life. the church needs to be about teaching it's citizens how to live in it. it needs to make priority of making followers of Jesus who are salt, and light.
salt is a preservative and a flavor enhancer. it lasts when everything around it is bad and it takes what is bland and gives it life for the palate. the christian does the same. it is preserved when sin abounds, when evil is everywhere, and when death seems all the rage. it also gives a life and taste to an otherwise dead world. sin is gross, despicable, and upsetting to the stomach. the salty christian is the flavor to a bland world. "salt is good; but if the salt becomes unsalty, with what will you make it salty again?" (Mark 9:50) the church must ensure the saltiness of its members....without salt, the church is useless. true, there are those who will turn and run desiring no more to be salty, and instead run after more fleeting and desirable flavors that do not last. but the church must rise up underneath them, be strong in the midst of those who turn away, and continue to nourish, flavor, and salt its members.
light. it shines in dark places. and any light, in any dark place, makes the darkness go away. the church is not to hide itself in the caverns of its buildings. it must make itself visible to all who can see it. the church is not a building on the corner, it is a myriad of tiny lights who together illumine the darkness of this fallen world. "you are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden." (Matthew 5:14) our light must be visible. it must be in communities and workplaces, golf courses and classrooms, birthday parties and bars. but the key, the most important thing, is that if we are to be light then we cannot be darkness! obvious, right? then we should, as the church, be keeping each other in the light by actively keeping each other out of darkness. this does two things: 1) it makes us shine where there is no light and 2) it keeps us salty. if we are to be a difference in this world we have to be these two things. if we are truly to bring glory to the God that we say deserves all glory then we must tell the world of our King and do it by representing Him in the world.
we do that with salt and light.
everything else follows: ministry to the homeless flows out of the love that Christ had for the afflicted and outcast.....we do this by being like Him. ministry to those in addiction flows from the love that Jesus showed to drunkards....we do this by being like Him. ministry to the sick flows from a heart that healed too many to count.....we do this by being like Him.
how do we become more like Him? "let us draw near [to Christ] with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water (out of slavery, again). let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering....and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds" (hebrews 10.23-24, italics mine). we do it by pushing on without evil, by holding fast to Him whom we have believed, and we spur each other on to love and good deeds.
fleshing it out looks different from community to community....but in the end it should look the same.....
"the church is the representation of the Kingdom of God on earth, His representative to the world by virtue of it's being salt and light and in so being brings Glory to God and draws the world to Him."
it's a good answer because all i really did was quote the bible. but it's an answer that has haunted me because i became increasingly aware that i wasn't sure if i could fill in all the holes that it left. sure, no one answer can be complete. outside of just saying "Jesus," what answer can we give that is not lacking in some respect or another? but it's been on my mind and heart to at least attempt and answer, a more complete one, so at the very least i myself can move forward as i try to find my place in the church, world, and community in which i live.
so, here goes...(this is from the mind of a confessed simpleton on these matters....still trying to figure it all out. there's stuff missing....but i feel this to be the heart of the matter)
growing up the church was our place of worship, our place of outreach, our place of service, and our home away from home. it was on the corner of 5th and wood and over time grew to 4 buildings. pastors, ministries, events and services, it was what i knew to be "church." it wasn't until much later that i realized that the church was a living, breathing organism that was growing, learning, falling, getting back up, serving, living....it was very much the collective version of a normal human life. only, it was a group. a group of millions that was one.
the church has had it's moments....good and bad. from the brutality of the crusades to the height of the reformation, from the early church's hard-line stance on heresy to the late church's embracing of it. our members have fallen from great heights (i can bear testimony) and our members have lived lives of service to our God....jonathan edwards, john calvin, john wesley, charles h. spurgeon, st. francis of assisi, st. augustine, and the list goes on and on. but what is it that marks us? what is it that screams to the world, "we are the church of the living God!"?
at the beginning of His ministry, Christ proclaimed the kingdom of God. He said that it was near (Mark 14.15) and that man's response was to be repentance and belief. repentance from sin, and a belief in Jesus....the Son of God. Messiah. King.
Jews at the time, and to this day, were looking for Messiah...the chosen one. He was to be the son of david. david, until the time of Messiah, was hailed as the king of kings, the greatest to have lived. Messiah would take up that name, King of kings, Lord of lords, and bear it like no other, not even David himself. when Jesus came, he hailed Himself the chosen one. King. Lord. Messiah. the kingdom of God had come, and so had it's king. like the arthurian legend centuries later, Jesus was the King who came to save a nation from the tyranny of its enemies. as was promised.
only, Jesus had other plans. instead of freeing Israel from the tyranny of Rome, it's militant enemy, Jesus proclaimed that He had come to save them from their real enemy....sin. "the kingdom of God has come, repent (turn from the real enemy and follow the real kingdom) and believe!" the Jews were supposed to get this. the slavery of sin and its freedom (exodus from egypt).....baptism and passing through the waters (the red sea)....it was what they had lived and known for thousands of years, now truly come to pass. a real defeat of the real enemy that bulls and goats could not cover through the sacrificial system. but they didn't, and they still seek.
but what of those who did hear and follow? who are they, what are they to do? they are the church and Jesus admonishes them to do many things. "go, make disciples", "be holy as I am holy," "be the salt of the earth, and a light on a hill."
as the church we are to be set apart from the world (this is what it means to be holy), not perfect, not sin free, but holy. the church is different from the world and we are to look different: in our actions, in our attitudes, in our desires, in our goals, in our families, in our personal relationships. our lives should simply speak, "Jesus." that word may not always come out, but the meaning is the same. people will see grace, mercy, justice, and above all love.. the world will see a family loving each other and those around it. it will see a people devoted to something other than themselves.
how do we do this? how do we set ourselves apart? we make disciples. "go, make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them (there's the going through water out of slavery) in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." (Matthew 28:19) disciples are in a different kingdom and need to learn what it's like to live in that kingdom. a kingdom of grace. a kingdom of mercy. a kingdom of love. it is a "come as you are" kingdom, but once here things change. repentance happens, lives transform, the image of Christ takes on meaning and identification in the Church comes to life. the church needs to be about teaching it's citizens how to live in it. it needs to make priority of making followers of Jesus who are salt, and light.
salt is a preservative and a flavor enhancer. it lasts when everything around it is bad and it takes what is bland and gives it life for the palate. the christian does the same. it is preserved when sin abounds, when evil is everywhere, and when death seems all the rage. it also gives a life and taste to an otherwise dead world. sin is gross, despicable, and upsetting to the stomach. the salty christian is the flavor to a bland world. "salt is good; but if the salt becomes unsalty, with what will you make it salty again?" (Mark 9:50) the church must ensure the saltiness of its members....without salt, the church is useless. true, there are those who will turn and run desiring no more to be salty, and instead run after more fleeting and desirable flavors that do not last. but the church must rise up underneath them, be strong in the midst of those who turn away, and continue to nourish, flavor, and salt its members.
light. it shines in dark places. and any light, in any dark place, makes the darkness go away. the church is not to hide itself in the caverns of its buildings. it must make itself visible to all who can see it. the church is not a building on the corner, it is a myriad of tiny lights who together illumine the darkness of this fallen world. "you are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden." (Matthew 5:14) our light must be visible. it must be in communities and workplaces, golf courses and classrooms, birthday parties and bars. but the key, the most important thing, is that if we are to be light then we cannot be darkness! obvious, right? then we should, as the church, be keeping each other in the light by actively keeping each other out of darkness. this does two things: 1) it makes us shine where there is no light and 2) it keeps us salty. if we are to be a difference in this world we have to be these two things. if we are truly to bring glory to the God that we say deserves all glory then we must tell the world of our King and do it by representing Him in the world.
we do that with salt and light.
everything else follows: ministry to the homeless flows out of the love that Christ had for the afflicted and outcast.....we do this by being like Him. ministry to those in addiction flows from the love that Jesus showed to drunkards....we do this by being like Him. ministry to the sick flows from a heart that healed too many to count.....we do this by being like Him.
how do we become more like Him? "let us draw near [to Christ] with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water (out of slavery, again). let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering....and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds" (hebrews 10.23-24, italics mine). we do it by pushing on without evil, by holding fast to Him whom we have believed, and we spur each other on to love and good deeds.
fleshing it out looks different from community to community....but in the end it should look the same.....
"the church is the representation of the Kingdom of God on earth, His representative to the world by virtue of it's being salt and light and in so being brings Glory to God and draws the world to Him."
31 July, 2009
Be Still and Know
from august 1st until august 5th i am going to be in the mountains of colorado, sitting by a couple of small trout lakes at about 12,000 ft above sea level. this is the first "vacation" i've had in years. time away from work and life as i know it is long over due...and i am looking to be refreshed and renewed. but aside from my time off and relaxation, this trip meets me with providence. 4 months ago my sister and brother in law bought me plane tickets for my birthday, specifically for this trip. at that point, this was simply a time to get away, a gesture of kindness and love from my family. one that i appreciate deeply, am humbled by, and needed very badly. but God works in, under, around, and through our deeds. providence has set this trip, at this time, for very specific reasons. God has been working on my heart, breaking me down bit by bit, giving me moments of reflection, conviction, joy, humility, patience, etc, etc. it seems to me that the work He has been doing is coming to its denouement very soon. i feel a crux in front of me. in climbing terms, it's the moment that is hardest, most difficult to navigate, and the one move that will "do you in." but if you get over the crux, you're home free and all is gold. the rest of the climb is still hard, and there is still work to be done...but everyone has their crux.
i am praying for 5 things in particular this week, 5 specific things that i need help praying for. if you feel led and convicted to pray along with me, i covet your prayers...i need the prayers of the saints. this is what i am praying for:
1. Saturday, August 1st: that i may see more clearly the majesty of God. i want to see the God that i worship manifested in the creation that will be surrounding me. i'll be reading psalm 104.
2. Sunday, August 2nd: that in solitude i will experience Jesus as not just Savior, but also brother and friend.
i'll be reading Isaiah 41:8,9; John 15: 12-17
3. Monday, August 3rd: that through struggle i will find joy, that in the spiritual valley i will dance with joy. i will be reading Isaiah 55:9-12.
4. Tuesday, August 4th: that i will grow a passionate vision for my life as it pertains to my testimony for the kingdom. i.e. what does God have for my life and testimony? i will be reading 1 Thessalonians 3:12,13; Jeremiah 20: 9; & Romans 11:29
5. Wednesday, August 5th: that in whatever He calls me to...daily life, professional life, relationships, and solitude....faithful obedience will be my theme. i will be reading Micah 6:6-8.
thank you all for your love. both toward me and our God.
"...may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all men, just as we also do for you; so that He may establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord with all His saints." 1 Thess. 3:12,13
i am praying for 5 things in particular this week, 5 specific things that i need help praying for. if you feel led and convicted to pray along with me, i covet your prayers...i need the prayers of the saints. this is what i am praying for:
1. Saturday, August 1st: that i may see more clearly the majesty of God. i want to see the God that i worship manifested in the creation that will be surrounding me. i'll be reading psalm 104.
2. Sunday, August 2nd: that in solitude i will experience Jesus as not just Savior, but also brother and friend.
i'll be reading Isaiah 41:8,9; John 15: 12-17
3. Monday, August 3rd: that through struggle i will find joy, that in the spiritual valley i will dance with joy. i will be reading Isaiah 55:9-12.
4. Tuesday, August 4th: that i will grow a passionate vision for my life as it pertains to my testimony for the kingdom. i.e. what does God have for my life and testimony? i will be reading 1 Thessalonians 3:12,13; Jeremiah 20: 9; & Romans 11:29
5. Wednesday, August 5th: that in whatever He calls me to...daily life, professional life, relationships, and solitude....faithful obedience will be my theme. i will be reading Micah 6:6-8.
thank you all for your love. both toward me and our God.
"...may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all men, just as we also do for you; so that He may establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord with all His saints." 1 Thess. 3:12,13
18 July, 2009
grace untouched
there is a grace bouncing in and around my life that i both never see or feel. yet it still heals. still loves. still saves.
it is the same grace experienced by the Roman centurion of Luke 7. the centurion: a hundred in his command, victories in battle, worthy of both honor and rank. a roman's roman. a leader and a patriot. and luke tells us, a lover of Israel. a different attitude towards those most Roman's found a "necessary evil" in society. and perhaps the same, perhaps a step further...he was concerned about the health of a servant. in his position he probably had many, and could have gotten another one had he chosen to. but he didn't. he sent those he trusted to Jesus so that his servant could be healed. and Jesus, upon their testimony, came. as Jesus approached more men from the soldier came, this time his friends. they told Jesus that he need not come any further, that if he just spoke the words the servant would be healed. the centurion understood who Jesus was and what He had power over. just as he had power over one hundred men....Jesus had power over sickness.
what i've seen
i've struggled lately with an inferiority complex. given the choices i've made and the direction i chose to take my life, my level of self-forgiveness and motivation often waxes and wanes with the tides of life. the past couple of weeks have been high tide....with the water coming in so close i felt as though i were drowning in guilt and self-loathing. like the centurion, i have felt helpless, for years now, over the last stronghold i thought i had to conquer in my life before i could feel free from all of my yesterdays. i have seen joy and forgiveness happen right before my eyes as though from behind a glass. apart and out of reach. but unlike the centurion, my faith lacks the power to say to Jesus, "from afar you can make me well." how often have i NOT given Jesus the opportunity to make me well from a distance?
but even more, and where i most differ from the centurion, is that he does not presume upon Jesus to make his servant well. he finds himself so unworthy of the presence of Jesus that he does not expect a healing or try to make a power play with his position to gain an audience with Jesus...he leaves it all up to Jesus and His will. for so long i have presumed that i know what is best for me and my life...what things need to happen in order to be free and secure. in my world, Jesus must come all the way...on my terms, under my roof, for my needs. and it did not dawn on me until today that i need not worry about Jesus coming all the way and i especially do not need to try to coerce Him too. i need to simply be more like the centurion and see that grace does not operate out of obligation or entitlement. grace operates out of love.
if Jesus were to have grace on my heart and mind in terms of this portion of my recovery then i will rejoice in it. but if He does not choose to show mercy how i would like to see it, i must understand and take joy in the grace He has given me thus far....and though he may not choose to heal in the way that i want or am looking for, He still loves me and will still heal me.....
on His terms, on His motivation, and in His time.
and like the centurion i must have faith that He can do it from a distance.
"satisfy us in the morning with Your loyal love!
then we will shout for joy and be happy all our days!"
it is the same grace experienced by the Roman centurion of Luke 7. the centurion: a hundred in his command, victories in battle, worthy of both honor and rank. a roman's roman. a leader and a patriot. and luke tells us, a lover of Israel. a different attitude towards those most Roman's found a "necessary evil" in society. and perhaps the same, perhaps a step further...he was concerned about the health of a servant. in his position he probably had many, and could have gotten another one had he chosen to. but he didn't. he sent those he trusted to Jesus so that his servant could be healed. and Jesus, upon their testimony, came. as Jesus approached more men from the soldier came, this time his friends. they told Jesus that he need not come any further, that if he just spoke the words the servant would be healed. the centurion understood who Jesus was and what He had power over. just as he had power over one hundred men....Jesus had power over sickness.
what i've seen
i've struggled lately with an inferiority complex. given the choices i've made and the direction i chose to take my life, my level of self-forgiveness and motivation often waxes and wanes with the tides of life. the past couple of weeks have been high tide....with the water coming in so close i felt as though i were drowning in guilt and self-loathing. like the centurion, i have felt helpless, for years now, over the last stronghold i thought i had to conquer in my life before i could feel free from all of my yesterdays. i have seen joy and forgiveness happen right before my eyes as though from behind a glass. apart and out of reach. but unlike the centurion, my faith lacks the power to say to Jesus, "from afar you can make me well." how often have i NOT given Jesus the opportunity to make me well from a distance?
but even more, and where i most differ from the centurion, is that he does not presume upon Jesus to make his servant well. he finds himself so unworthy of the presence of Jesus that he does not expect a healing or try to make a power play with his position to gain an audience with Jesus...he leaves it all up to Jesus and His will. for so long i have presumed that i know what is best for me and my life...what things need to happen in order to be free and secure. in my world, Jesus must come all the way...on my terms, under my roof, for my needs. and it did not dawn on me until today that i need not worry about Jesus coming all the way and i especially do not need to try to coerce Him too. i need to simply be more like the centurion and see that grace does not operate out of obligation or entitlement. grace operates out of love.
if Jesus were to have grace on my heart and mind in terms of this portion of my recovery then i will rejoice in it. but if He does not choose to show mercy how i would like to see it, i must understand and take joy in the grace He has given me thus far....and though he may not choose to heal in the way that i want or am looking for, He still loves me and will still heal me.....
on His terms, on His motivation, and in His time.
and like the centurion i must have faith that He can do it from a distance.
"satisfy us in the morning with Your loyal love!
then we will shout for joy and be happy all our days!"
06 June, 2009
on vulnerability
there is a call in the church, an informal one, for it's body to begin living life in a real and open way. it has been a criticism of the church by those on the outside looking in, of a "fake" or "hypocritical" showing of itself. throughout the 20th and now 21st century, the church has been accused of judgementalism, hypocrisy, elitism, closed-mindedness, etc...and sometimes rightly so. this isn't going to be a defense of the church, per say, but rather simply my thoughts on what might be needed to counteract the prevailing attitude. along with a need for the church to educate the world on what it is really about with regard to doctrine, practice, and right relationship with our Creator, the church is in need of a vulnerability of grace. here's what i mean by that....
a relationship with Christ is a relationship of change. it is a relationship which says, "that is who i was...and now this is who i am." without a change, without a way of looking at someone and being able to say, "that is what he was...and now here is what he is," then there is no way for us to see the change. there is no way to give a testimony of grace.
there is a reason we have the testimonies we have in scripture. in peter we see a man who fell to the bottom of deception in his denial of his association with Jesus. we saw an outright lie come from his lips three times. there were witnesses and a moment of guilt the remembrance of Jesus' words (Matthew 26: 69-75; John 18:25-27). then we see a little while later peter's moment with Jesus (John 21:15-17). peter, once a denier of Christ...now the leader of the followers of Jesus. and in paul we see a murderer. a man who stood by and gave his approval to the stoning of stephen. later, being met on the road to damascus, paul is confronted by Jesus, and we see in his life throughout the book of Acts and his letters, a life changed. both of these men, among others do no hide their sin. in their proclamation of Jesus and a relationship with him, the also proclaim who they were...and who they are now. we do not have in the faithful of God as told in a scripture a group of men and women who led lives of righteousness and perfection. in fact, it's quite the opposite. the testimony of scripture is that those who became faithful followers of God had to first come in their sin and then walk opposite of it. throughout their lives there was always an underlying story of who they were.
what i've seen
i have not seen overwhelming evidence in the church today that there is a discipline of vulnerability in it's leaders or followers. there are in some instances, but as a whole the church sets itself apart as an organization of the righteous. pastors and priests in pulpits are regarded as those on a pedestal higher than the normal church goer. it's a view that comes with the position....unless the leader makes it his prerogative to have a testimony of "this is who i was...and this is who i am." from the top down there needs to be a testimony of change. there needs to be a vulnerability of grace to the masses. "this is who i was...but because of grace, this is who i am." without the testimony, the call fails. and i don't mean a simplistic testimony of general sin because "all sin," rather i mean the vulnerability of peter and paul, of abraham and david.
the word "vulnerable" does not mean "openness through a veil." there is no room in "vulnerability" for sugar coating the ugly. the word "vulnerable" means being "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt." there is in vulnerability the very real possibility that there could be pain: mental, emotional, spiritual...possibly even physical. we as christians must have this mindset in our testimonies. we must be open with who we are to the extent (yet within reason) of being willing to hurt for the grace that we profess.
why? because that is the very testimony of grace itself in the work of Jesus. the ultimate vulnerability as was demonstrated on the cross. Jesus, for the masses of sinful humanity, made himself completely vulnerable so that we may be able to say, "this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am." He mentally made Himself vulnerable to the point of sweating blood. He emotionally made himself vulnerable to the point of being abandoned by His closest and only friends. He spiritually made Himself vulnerable to the point that He had to say, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" and physically He made Himself vulnerable to the point of death...death by beating, torture, and crucifixion.
yet we, so often, cannot be like Him in our lives by doing the exact same. the call of the Christian has been sugar coated and cotton-candied out. for the church to move forward the way the church was intended to, we must individually and corporately take up the call to live vulnerably real lives.
"this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am now."
a relationship with Christ is a relationship of change. it is a relationship which says, "that is who i was...and now this is who i am." without a change, without a way of looking at someone and being able to say, "that is what he was...and now here is what he is," then there is no way for us to see the change. there is no way to give a testimony of grace.
there is a reason we have the testimonies we have in scripture. in peter we see a man who fell to the bottom of deception in his denial of his association with Jesus. we saw an outright lie come from his lips three times. there were witnesses and a moment of guilt the remembrance of Jesus' words (Matthew 26: 69-75; John 18:25-27). then we see a little while later peter's moment with Jesus (John 21:15-17). peter, once a denier of Christ...now the leader of the followers of Jesus. and in paul we see a murderer. a man who stood by and gave his approval to the stoning of stephen. later, being met on the road to damascus, paul is confronted by Jesus, and we see in his life throughout the book of Acts and his letters, a life changed. both of these men, among others do no hide their sin. in their proclamation of Jesus and a relationship with him, the also proclaim who they were...and who they are now. we do not have in the faithful of God as told in a scripture a group of men and women who led lives of righteousness and perfection. in fact, it's quite the opposite. the testimony of scripture is that those who became faithful followers of God had to first come in their sin and then walk opposite of it. throughout their lives there was always an underlying story of who they were.
what i've seen
i have not seen overwhelming evidence in the church today that there is a discipline of vulnerability in it's leaders or followers. there are in some instances, but as a whole the church sets itself apart as an organization of the righteous. pastors and priests in pulpits are regarded as those on a pedestal higher than the normal church goer. it's a view that comes with the position....unless the leader makes it his prerogative to have a testimony of "this is who i was...and this is who i am." from the top down there needs to be a testimony of change. there needs to be a vulnerability of grace to the masses. "this is who i was...but because of grace, this is who i am." without the testimony, the call fails. and i don't mean a simplistic testimony of general sin because "all sin," rather i mean the vulnerability of peter and paul, of abraham and david.
the word "vulnerable" does not mean "openness through a veil." there is no room in "vulnerability" for sugar coating the ugly. the word "vulnerable" means being "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt." there is in vulnerability the very real possibility that there could be pain: mental, emotional, spiritual...possibly even physical. we as christians must have this mindset in our testimonies. we must be open with who we are to the extent (yet within reason) of being willing to hurt for the grace that we profess.
why? because that is the very testimony of grace itself in the work of Jesus. the ultimate vulnerability as was demonstrated on the cross. Jesus, for the masses of sinful humanity, made himself completely vulnerable so that we may be able to say, "this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am." He mentally made Himself vulnerable to the point of sweating blood. He emotionally made himself vulnerable to the point of being abandoned by His closest and only friends. He spiritually made Himself vulnerable to the point that He had to say, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" and physically He made Himself vulnerable to the point of death...death by beating, torture, and crucifixion.
yet we, so often, cannot be like Him in our lives by doing the exact same. the call of the Christian has been sugar coated and cotton-candied out. for the church to move forward the way the church was intended to, we must individually and corporately take up the call to live vulnerably real lives.
"this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am now."
01 June, 2009
easy chairs, hard words
i stole the title, straight out, from douglas wilson...a pastor in moscow, idaho. for my small and perhaps inconsequential purposes here, i'm re-using it for a similar reason but with a little spin on its meaning. "easy chairs, hard words" is the title of wilson's book wherein he writes fictional conversations about some of the tough passages in scripture. hence...hard words being spoken by two gentlemen in easy chairs. what i write in the following is not for or against pastor wilson, in fact, it has very little to do with his work accept in the similarity that the title fits both of our purposes....i simply like his catchy title. so...thank you, pastor, for coming up with it :-)
it's dawning on me this evening the need for hard words. i have recently been on a pensive journey through the process of recovery/reconciliation and the means by which we get there. one major point, in my opinion, is what i mentioned in my last post...namely that there are too many pastors (and christians in general) who spend more time petting the sheep than protecting them from wolves. at first glance, the statement appears to mean that there are wolves on the outside looking in, seeking to devour the righteous and unassuming christian. albeit this is a necessary and good thing, i am coming to believe more and more that there is enough"wolf" in each and every one of us, capable of destroying us from the inside out, that our primary focus should be on protecting us from ourselves.
what i've seen
what i've seen, however, is an overwhelming tendency for us to stay reclined in our easy chairs. we love to take life simply; no wakes in the water, no more than a breeze in the air and only sunlight breaking through the clouds. our churches spend time creating fun groups for us to "plug in to," making our worship an "experience", and seeing to it that our every "need" is met...right down to coffee and doughnuts. don't get me wrong, i love the coffee and doughnuts...but where are those things which were indispensable to Jesus and His early church?
i was reminded recently of all of the "hard words" that Jesus spoke to those around him. "your righteousness must surpass that of the pharisees," "be holy as I am holy," "whoever does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." if i think about these words in the way that i should they are hard to grasp, and make me uneasy in my chair. these are only a few, and i've not mentioned the lives that Jesus called His followers to leave, or the sin He pointed out. following Jesus is a life of repentance. some of His first words, picking up the torch after John the Baptist was thrown in prison, were, "repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand." following Jesus is a life of walking Jesus' road, with His cross in tow.
repent carry your cross.
everywhere that Jesus exposed sin, when met with humility and faith, He also healed. those who can admit they are sick receive the healing touch of Christ. all of those who think that they are not sick, or do not need to be made well, or have no fault in them...repeatedly pointing the finger at someone else instead of pointing inwardly at their own hearts, has healing far from them.
too many times i have pointed the finger. too many times i have blamed the world for my many mistakes. "i'm this way because others sinned against me," "the world has put all this filth in my mind," etc. etc. it's true, both of those things have happened. but it does not excuse the fact that i chose to sin. without Christ i freely choose sin. it's all i choose without His grace in my life. if it were not for His grace, i would at every moment of every day choose sin.
when it comes to a ministry of recovery from a life of habitual and cyclical sin....how do we teach those who are sick where they can find healing? how do we point them to Christ? where can we have safe places to share hard words, calling sinners to repentance, have christians walking with each other and not afraid to share the hard words...making men squirm in their easy chairs? when will we stop petting the sheep and begin protecting them from the danger of themselves?
i remember when hard words were shared with me. it was only the beginning of a journey that i'm still on, but it was a beginning i hope to never forget. 1) the words where hard but not harsh. my sin was pointed out in clarity and in fact. it was black and white. no grey, no middle ground. 2) i was called to repent from my sin. point blank, again. i was looked square in the eye and told to stop sinning in the ways that i had. 3) i was safe. hard words were shared in an environment where i could be freely vulnerable without fear of humiliation of public ridicule. i was humbled, but not humiliated. the public became aware of my sin, but ridicule was never in view.
i am eternally grateful to the men who stood on the side of truth and justice and who chose not to sidestep my sin and downplay it as "a bad mistake" or "an indiscretion." the very minute we downplay the sin of our fellow christians we diminish the justice of the cross, and hold far off the hope of a life renewed by repentance.
i only hope that i can be more humble if there ever comes a time for me to hear hard words again. and if i ever i need to share hard words, my hope and prayer is that i can love as those men loved me....enough to share hard words in a time of easy chairs...for the sake of repentance and restoration unto the glory of God through His Son and His work on the cross. it's where we must live and breathe...and have our very existence....
17 May, 2009
mileu
driving home from church this morning, after a fairly moving moment at communion, i began to wonder what it was going to take for me to strive after excellence. looking around in the room of my mind, in all the corners and closets, i can count many areas that are in need of cleaning and upkeep. some left untouched for a long time, some given minimal attention, and the ones given most attention still in need of repair. i saw a life "getting by." it's not that i don't take my spiritual life seriously or that i have made a consious decision to to "skate", as it were. but it seems to be what is happening. looking around the lives of churchgoers and christians at large, i see a movement of active, God seeking, minimalists. it seems that the prevailing christian millieu is one which sees christians as sinners who cannot escape that fact. (caution: it is indelibly true that this is the case. the human nature is such that there will alway be, until the end has come, a cloud of sinfulness which pervades everything we do.) however, this earmark of the christian culure has created a pessimism and a lackluster effort of christians and their leaders to expect excellence from the church. by identifying christians as "sinners and nothing more," we're making less of an effort into correcting sinfulf habits, creating communities to encourage and uplift sinners in repentance and right living, preaching repentance from the pulpit, and, grossly, letting accountability slide into a hug and affectionate smile of "i'm glad i don't have your struggles." part of me wonders if this mentality is because there are those of us that struggle more than normal with certain sin patterns, etc...and those that don't have that same struggle simply don't know how to address it.
talking tonight with a dear friend, a psychologist and co-small group leader, we entered into the discussion of addiction and certain mental disorders such as anxiety and depression. when someone finds out they have an addiction or a disorder, a very typical response is, "doesn't everybody deal with this?" and the answer is, "no, they don't." it then makes it difficult for both parties to understand what can be going on. my focus here is obviously from my own testimony...but it's the struggle i see as real and apparent in the church at large. most people don't understand that if you take an alcoholic into a bar and set a fifth of whiskey in front of him, what happens in his mind is not an ability for him to just push it away with no inner struggle or even fear or pain....it's an uncontrollable urge that he cannot supress easily. same for drug addiction, sexual addiction, co-dependency, etc...
as someone who struggles to find ways to "cope" with my sinful tendencies, i find that i am more and more in need of discipline...not punitive, but positive. i find myself to be more likely to not fall into sin when my life is disciplined. when i'm running regularly or climbing regularly, my life seems more focused and intentional. i need to be this way more, a wayward son has no intention in his life, he merely floats from one day to the next hoping for the best to fall into his lap. more times than not, however, he finds himself in the same cycle of habits...falling when he didn't even know he was in danger. i need people, friends...clergy...family, to be intentional in my life as well, to see that i am, in turn, being proactive in my own.
i think that's where we can start....by being intentional in each others lives. we are more likely to succeed when we set ourselves up for success. left to our own devices we will fall all over ourselves and then right back into sin. Christ has left us with this wonderful community in the church...we, like sheep, have all gone astray and we are in need of shepherds to lead us, corral us, and protect us from both ourselves and our enemies. pastor john macarthur has stated, "a shepherd is not judged on how well he pets his sheep, but on how well he protects them." we, as christians, have the same obligation to each other. in community, protecting each other from the pitfalls of sin. we must be proactive, intentional, and diligent to push each other into the excellent calling of glorifying our God in every facet of our lives.
soli deo gloria
16 May, 2009
pilgrim's progress
this quote on prayer by John Bunyan has been haunting my thoughts for the past 5 days or so...
"Prayer is a sincere, sensible, affectionate pouring out of the heart or soul to God, through Christ, in the strength and assistance of the Holy Spirit, for such things as God has promised, or according to His word, for the good of the church, with submission in faith to the will of God."
my prayers too often take the shape of what i would like to see God do. in most instances i have good intentions, wanting God to heal, or answer, or show power, or convert...all good and noble things for Christians to desire. but in them is an inherent selfishness that i have begun to realize. "if these things happen," i subconsiously think, "then it will benefit me this way...."
"with submission in faith to the will of God..." this is the struggle for me. submission first...then faith in the will of God. i lack both. pride has for too long dominated any desire to submit my heart and desires to Him. it's a relearning process and one that has not come without pain and loss. and faith in the will of God...our struggle to find the will of God usually begins and ends with ourselves. "what is God's will for me?" "what is God's will for my life?" a wife? a better job? a future without the nagging of my past? all of these are blessings from God, but none of these are promises of God...and if i am to follow the scriptural model of Christ....i should be praying for the things God has promised....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc, etc....and have faith that i will receive those things and be living the will of God. i now pray for the grace to understand what He has promised...
"hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear unto my plea...in Thy faithfulness, answer me...."
12 April, 2009
the women went to the tomb, expecting one thing, but found quite another.
peter and john ran to it, john faster, but they both ran. and peter, all the way in . . . as close as he could get.
thomas doubted it. "unless i see . . .", he said.
we all come to the resurrected Christ in different ways.
some come to Him by surprise . . . living life as normal as possible, going here and there preparing their days when unexpectedly they are greeted by grace. angels tell them that true life, and true fulfillment do not lie where they are looking for them. they are elsewhere, in a man, the risen Christ.
others run to Him . . . again, by grace, some have been told of Jesus, of his power over death and that He gives life. and they run. having been renewed in their heart the at once drop everything that they know and run to embrace the miracle of Christ.
others need proof . . . like thomas, there are those who just need to see a little bit more--touch the hands and feet. "many impostors have tried to do the same." they say. and they are right. we chide thomas a bit, doubt is not faith. but sometimes me miss that Jesus does not chide him, He merely says, "see, and believe." and thomas does.
Jesus meets us where we are. He comes to us in our sickness and in our poverty. He comes to us in our broken homes and in our failed relationships. He comes to us when our hope is lost and our world has fallen apart. He's the eye of the hurricane, the peace in the storm. but most of all, He comes to us "while we are still sinners." the life of the Christian starts when the God of the universe condescends to mankind, enters the warm lake of humanity and stirs its waters. He became like us so He could save us. the redemptive purposes of God reach farther than walking an aisle and making our lives "happier." it reaches farther than my immediate need for relationship and your immediate need for a better home life. God's salvation is bigger than my financial needs and your job situation. our focus is so "us" centered that we miss the bigger picture. we miss that God is redeeming all of creation, a creation of which we are only part. in this vast universe we are but a microscopic part . . .
. . . yet it's much bigger, too. it was us who screwed this whole thing up. it was man who decided to be his own God and eat the fruit. it was man who needed to build bigger buildings, earn more money, achieve better status. we have made ourselves in to demi-gods, and that is the reason for all the mess . . . and it's the reason God had to become man. Jesus had to take on the full punishment and judgement of God for Him to redeem the whole of creation.
consider the universe and consider that it was us who brought the whole thing into ruin. and so it is us who needed saving first, so the rest could be saved later. He made us for relationship with Him and we threw it in the garbage. yet He still entered into it with us. reaching His hand down into the darkest parts of our lives and gently revives our hearts and breathes, again, His life into us. we are the new creation. He's started over. He's going to fix all that we messed up.
and it started today:
"He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the first born of all creation. For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities -- all things have been created through Him and for Him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also the head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the first born from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything." Colossians 1.13-18
Happy Easter!
27 March, 2009
08 March, 2009
letting go
i never really cease to amaze myself. it seems like i spend most of my time trying to get over all of my selfish ambitions. fixing problems, self motivating, trying to be more disciplined . . . it's all a circular struggle of trying to let go of everything i've been . . . things that are "wrong" with me. in a recent self-pity party -- you know, the party you invite no one too but then get livid when no one shows up -- i realized that humanity does this in all our areas of life. we tend to spend a lot of our time trying to "let go" of bad habits, and usually to no avail. we also spend a lot of time "letting go" of bad or past relationships, only to find ourselves in the midst of them again, not knowing why but kicking ourselves for allowing it to happen. we say we need to stop worrying, "let go and let God," citing that it is a matter of faith and trust . . . "it's not getting better because i have little faith," " i need to trust God more." yes, you do and i do. but we will always need to trust God more. how many times did Jesus say, "you of little faith?" God knows that we're lacking in this area.
but that's not necessarily the bad news.
what i've seen
i'm not so sure it's faith that's hard for us. i can't speak for everyone, really i can speak for no one but myself. and what i've seen in my life is the fact that my real issue with letting go isn't the letting go part . . . it's the "clinging to something different" part. in His sermon on the mount, Jesus gives us insight into man's relationship with money. He says, "no one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money." it's not an issue of faith it's an issue of service. granted, the two are tied together, but stretch this out into the practical issues of money and then beyond. we serve money because money serves us. we work 60 hr weeks because we get a return on our investment. a pretty immediate one at that. work now and in two weeks you'll see the fruit of your labor. we like that. and we're selfish about it. working is good, providing food and shelter for families is a godly charaterstic. but do you serve it? Jesus tells us not to store up for ourselves treasures on earth, but rather treasures in heaven. one rots, one does not. the question is not whether or not you should work, but who you're clinging to. in your passions, where is Christ in comparison to your income? if a call goes out to either defend your faith or your income . . . whom do you defend? do you defend the God who saves you or the money that buys you? in His sermon, Jesus follows this one statement with many about anxiety . . . about worrying what you will have or not have. "if i defend my faith, and follow Christ at the risk of losing my job . . . how will i eat? how will we live? where will my income come from?" i've learned that if i have these questions, i know it might be time to examine my heart.
stretching it into other areas of life, why do we have such a hard time letting go? for me it's because i'm letting go of something familiar, comfortable, close, and tangible . . . no matter how destructive i know that it is. in Galatians, Paul writes in a similar vein that Jesus spoke, "for am i now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am i striving to please men? if i were still trying to please men, i would not be a bond-servant of Christ." it took me a long time to learn a hard lesson that the phrase "pleasing men" usually has more to do with pleasing myself than any other man. we may not do things to please second or third parties . . . but how often do we do things to gain our own self approval or our own self worth? relationships are where i have seen this played out in my own life. so many of the relationships that i have had in the past have been beneficial for me because many of my "needs" were met . . . although all along they were some of the most destructive forces i have seen in my lifetime. but i didn't want to let go. i had "delusions of grandeur" that possibly in the future all could be made right, that i could fix what was wrong with them and make everything great. letting go of these relationships was not done over night, and in some cases it is still a struggle. but i could not even begin the struggle until i decided that i would cling to Christ instead of the relationship. instead of investing in a hurtful relationship i had to invest myself in Christ and in relationships that were healthy. i had to dead bolt the door on the relationship, no matter how bad it hurt, and run headlong into Christ. it was only then that my heart began to free up, and Godly, fruitful, wonderful relationships began to flower in my life. when i was consumed with a selfish and hurtful relationships i had no eyes to see the others. i had to close my eyes to them, and only then were they opened to the others.
the same principle applies to other areas of our lives as well. we just don't have the capacity to easily let go of one . . . and cling to the other.
more than this, and for me this was the crux of the issue, i had to hate the one before i could love the other. before i could love my Savior i had to hate sin. before i could be passionate about Him i had to shun what was not His. and that, for me, came down to selfishness. for you it may be something else, but in the end it is sin that keeps us from clinging to Christ. it is having a comfort and need for something other than Him. i still find myself clinging to my selfish passions . . . but by grace and patient love God is showing me that He is so much more brilliantly beautiful than anything that i could manufacture on my own.
don't just let go . . . cling to Christ.
14 February, 2009
my valentines
my son is seven.
my daughter is five.
i have friends who's children are older and i have friends who's children are younger. i have friends who's children are smarter and i have friends who's children are dumber.
my kids aren't the tallest, strongest, fastest, most well-behaved, geniuses, or anything else we as american parents often want our children to be and against reason sometimes think they are.
they sometimes get in trouble at school and get in scuffles with friends. they get cuts and bruises, broken arms and broken hearts.
they stomp away from obedience and cross defiant arms. they argue and throw tantrums.
they often won't eat all their food, take their dishes from the table, or turn off the light.
they wiggle in church and fidget during prayer.
they do 1,000 other things every day that would drive any parent up a wall.
and i would have it no other way.
my son asked me to read him poetry . . . my heart skipped.
my daughter will push her way through people just to hold my hand . . . i will always keep one free.
my son likes the music i like . . . he says "i like it because it's yours."
my daughter climbs in bed with me . . . i love her knees in my back.
my son offers me his own money when i am low . . . giving. at 7!
my daughter writes "i love daddy" everywhere . . . even when i'm not there.
i see their joys and i feel their hurts. they make me laugh and sometimes i have cried. they defy my expectations. they are my greatest source of joy and they are my greatest source of lessons learned. they are not perfect . . . yet they are.
i love them with all my heart and i wanted to tell you.
in just a few moments, when i lie down in my bed, i will lie down alone. no wife by my side i'll fall asleep in silent obscurity. it is my own making . . . consequences like snow falling slowly into place every night. i have no one to share these things with. the joyous stories of my children go often untold. they are treasures i store up in my heart to push into the dreams i hope to have each night. sometimes, like tonight, i have to stop and take stock again of how fleeting this life is, how transient our stories appear compared to the eternal foundations of our God, and how i am nothing but a living testimony of His grace that i get to sit here in an empty kitchen and be able to share at all what a wonderful, wonderful gift my children are to me.
the following two poems i wrote for each of them.
to my son
you, me, the irony
of listening to the crash test dummies
at the auto shop
and the realization that re-do's
don't come in your size shoes
makes me stop
and take stock of this brief moment . . .
that time won't wait for what i meant
to do, fly with you, make you into
the kind of man i was supposed to be:
having wisdom, knowing responsibility,
leading you, teaching you, believing you
will grow up, but don't rush, let's pretend
while we can, that super-heroes always win in the end
and chase our shadows where time ticks
away in the darkness of a crocodile's belly,
if it's gonna tick, why not let it go silly
in a land where i can pick
you up and throw you into
the air a thousand feet up, and always catch you,
hitting the ground never in view
because here, where time ticks on the wall,
i cannot bear the weight of letting you fall . . .
re-do's don't come in your size shoes.to my daughter
every time you make me tea
i have to remember to drink your smile
and remember that your tea is always best
with a little sugar.
and i have to remember mondays
and blueberry coffeecake
and being home to hold you
with your arms around my neck.
because i'll need to reach back
when i come home to see you
making tea for someone else,
with smiles and sugar, or
sitting in my chair on friday night,
while you're out getting coffee,
planning your cake,
your arms around his neck.
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