Be Still and Know

from august 1st until august 5th i am going to be in the mountains of colorado, sitting by a couple of small trout lakes at about 12,000 ft above sea level. this is the first "vacation" i've had in years. time away from work and life as i know it is long over due...and i am looking to be refreshed and renewed. but aside from my time off and relaxation, this trip meets me with providence. 4 months ago my sister and brother in law bought me plane tickets for my birthday, specifically for this trip. at that point, this was simply a time to get away, a gesture of kindness and love from my family. one that i appreciate deeply, am humbled by, and needed very badly. but God works in, under, around, and through our deeds. providence has set this trip, at this time, for very specific reasons. God has been working on my heart, breaking me down bit by bit, giving me moments of reflection, conviction, joy, humility, patience, etc, etc. it seems to me that the work He has been doing is coming to its denouement very soon. i feel a crux in front of me. in climbing terms, it's the moment that is hardest, most difficult to navigate, and the one move that will "do you in." but if you get over the crux, you're home free and all is gold. the rest of the climb is still hard, and there is still work to be done...but everyone has their crux.

i am praying for 5 things in particular this week, 5 specific things that i need help praying for. if you feel led and convicted to pray along with me, i covet your prayers...i need the prayers of the saints. this is what i am praying for:

1. Saturday, August 1st: that i may see more clearly the majesty of God. i want to see the God that i worship manifested in the creation that will be surrounding me. i'll be reading psalm 104.

2. Sunday, August 2nd: that in solitude i will experience Jesus as not just Savior, but also brother and friend.
i'll be reading Isaiah 41:8,9; John 15: 12-17

3. Monday, August 3rd: that through struggle i will find joy, that in the spiritual valley i will dance with joy. i will be reading Isaiah 55:9-12.

4. Tuesday, August 4th: that i will grow a passionate vision for my life as it pertains to my testimony for the kingdom. i.e. what does God have for my life and testimony? i will be reading 1 Thessalonians 3:12,13; Jeremiah 20: 9; & Romans 11:29

5. Wednesday, August 5th: that in whatever He calls me to...daily life, professional life, relationships, and solitude....faithful obedience will be my theme. i will be reading Micah 6:6-8.

thank you all for your love. both toward me and our God.

"...may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all men, just as we also do for you; so that He may establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord with all His saints." 1 Thess. 3:12,13

grace untouched

there is a grace bouncing in and around my life that i both never see or feel. yet it still heals. still loves. still saves.

it is the same grace experienced by the Roman centurion of Luke 7. the centurion: a hundred in his command, victories in battle, worthy of both honor and rank. a roman's roman. a leader and a patriot. and luke tells us, a lover of Israel. a different attitude towards those most Roman's found a "necessary evil" in society. and perhaps the same, perhaps a step further...he was concerned about the health of a servant. in his position he probably had many, and could have gotten another one had he chosen to. but he didn't. he sent those he trusted to Jesus so that his servant could be healed. and Jesus, upon their testimony, came. as Jesus approached more men from the soldier came, this time his friends. they told Jesus that he need not come any further, that if he just spoke the words the servant would be healed. the centurion understood who Jesus was and what He had power over. just as he had power over one hundred men....Jesus had power over sickness.

what i've seen

i've struggled lately with an inferiority complex. given the choices i've made and the direction i chose to take my life, my level of self-forgiveness and motivation often waxes and wanes with the tides of life. the past couple of weeks have been high tide....with the water coming in so close i felt as though i were drowning in guilt and self-loathing. like the centurion, i have felt helpless, for years now, over the last stronghold i thought i had to conquer in my life before i could feel free from all of my yesterdays. i have seen joy and forgiveness happen right before my eyes as though from behind a glass. apart and out of reach. but unlike the centurion, my faith lacks the power to say to Jesus, "from afar you can make me well." how often have i NOT given Jesus the opportunity to make me well from a distance?

but even more, and where i most differ from the centurion, is that he does not presume upon Jesus to make his servant well. he finds himself so unworthy of the presence of Jesus that he does not expect a healing or try to make a power play with his position to gain an audience with Jesus...he leaves it all up to Jesus and His will. for so long i have presumed that i know what is best for me and my life...what things need to happen in order to be free and secure. in my world, Jesus must come all the way...on my terms, under my roof, for my needs. and it did not dawn on me until today that i need not worry about Jesus coming all the way and i especially do not need to try to coerce Him too. i need to simply be more like the centurion and see that grace does not operate out of obligation or entitlement. grace operates out of love.

if Jesus were to have grace on my heart and mind in terms of this portion of my recovery then i will rejoice in it. but if He does not choose to show mercy how i would like to see it, i must understand and take joy in the grace He has given me thus far....and though he may not choose to heal in the way that i want or am looking for, He still loves me and will still heal me.....

on His terms, on His motivation, and in His time.

and like the centurion i must have faith that He can do it from a distance.

"satisfy us in the morning with Your loyal love!
then we will shout for joy and be happy all our days!"

on vulnerability

there is a call in the church, an informal one, for it's body to begin living life in a real and open way. it has been a criticism of the church by those on the outside looking in, of a "fake" or "hypocritical" showing of itself. throughout the 20th and now 21st century, the church has been accused of judgementalism, hypocrisy, elitism, closed-mindedness, etc...and sometimes rightly so. this isn't going to be a defense of the church, per say, but rather simply my thoughts on what might be needed to counteract the prevailing attitude. along with a need for the church to educate the world on what it is really about with regard to doctrine, practice, and right relationship with our Creator, the church is in need of a vulnerability of grace. here's what i mean by that....

a relationship with Christ is a relationship of change. it is a relationship which says, "that is who i was...and now this is who i am." without a change, without a way of looking at someone and being able to say, "that is what he was...and now here is what he is," then there is no way for us to see the change. there is no way to give a testimony of grace.

there is a reason we have the testimonies we have in scripture. in peter we see a man who fell to the bottom of deception in his denial of his association with Jesus. we saw an outright lie come from his lips three times. there were witnesses and a moment of guilt the remembrance of Jesus' words (Matthew 26: 69-75; John 18:25-27). then we see a little while later peter's moment with Jesus (John 21:15-17). peter, once a denier of Christ...now the leader of the followers of Jesus. and in paul we see a murderer. a man who stood by and gave his approval to the stoning of stephen. later, being met on the road to damascus, paul is confronted by Jesus, and we see in his life throughout the book of Acts and his letters, a life changed. both of these men, among others do no hide their sin. in their proclamation of Jesus and a relationship with him, the also proclaim who they were...and who they are now. we do not have in the faithful of God as told in a scripture a group of men and women who led lives of righteousness and perfection. in fact, it's quite the opposite. the testimony of scripture is that those who became faithful followers of God had to first come in their sin and then walk opposite of it. throughout their lives there was always an underlying story of who they were.

what i've seen

i have not seen overwhelming evidence in the church today that there is a discipline of vulnerability in it's leaders or followers. there are in some instances, but as a whole the church sets itself apart as an organization of the righteous. pastors and priests in pulpits are regarded as those on a pedestal higher than the normal church goer. it's a view that comes with the position....unless the leader makes it his prerogative to have a testimony of "this is who i was...and this is who i am." from the top down there needs to be a testimony of change. there needs to be a vulnerability of grace to the masses. "this is who i was...but because of grace, this is who i am." without the testimony, the call fails. and i don't mean a simplistic testimony of general sin because "all sin," rather i mean the vulnerability of peter and paul, of abraham and david.

the word "vulnerable" does not mean "openness through a veil." there is no room in "vulnerability" for sugar coating the ugly. the word "vulnerable" means being "capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt." there is in vulnerability the very real possibility that there could be pain: mental, emotional, spiritual...possibly even physical. we as christians must have this mindset in our testimonies. we must be open with who we are to the extent (yet within reason) of being willing to hurt for the grace that we profess.

why? because that is the very testimony of grace itself in the work of Jesus. the ultimate vulnerability as was demonstrated on the cross. Jesus, for the masses of sinful humanity, made himself completely vulnerable so that we may be able to say, "this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am." He mentally made Himself vulnerable to the point of sweating blood. He emotionally made himself vulnerable to the point of being abandoned by His closest and only friends. He spiritually made Himself vulnerable to the point that He had to say, "Father, why have you forsaken me?" and physically He made Himself vulnerable to the point of death...death by beating, torture, and crucifixion.

yet we, so often, cannot be like Him in our lives by doing the exact same. the call of the Christian has been sugar coated and cotton-candied out. for the church to move forward the way the church was intended to, we must individually and corporately take up the call to live vulnerably real lives.

"this is who i was...and because of grace, this is who i am now."

easy chairs, hard words

i stole the title, straight out, from douglas wilson...a pastor in moscow, idaho.  for my small and perhaps inconsequential purposes here, i'm re-using it for a similar reason but with a little spin on its meaning.  "easy chairs, hard words" is the title of wilson's book wherein he writes fictional conversations about some of the tough passages in scripture.  hence...hard words being spoken by two gentlemen in easy chairs.  what i write in the following is not for or against pastor wilson, in fact, it has very little to do with his work accept in the similarity that the title fits both of our purposes....i simply like his catchy title.  so...thank you, pastor, for coming up with it :-)

it's dawning on me this evening the need for hard words.  i have recently been on a pensive journey through the process of recovery/reconciliation and the means by which we get there.  one major point, in my opinion, is what i mentioned in my last post...namely that there are too many pastors (and christians in general) who spend more time petting the sheep than protecting them from wolves.  at first glance, the statement appears to mean that there are wolves on the outside looking in, seeking to devour the righteous and unassuming christian.  albeit this is a necessary and good thing, i am coming to believe more and more that there is enough"wolf" in each and every one of us, capable of destroying us from the inside out, that our primary focus should be on protecting us from ourselves.  

what i've seen   

what i've seen, however, is an overwhelming tendency for us to stay reclined in our easy chairs.  we love to take life simply; no wakes in the water, no more than a breeze in the air and only sunlight breaking through the clouds.  our churches spend time creating fun groups for us to "plug in to,"  making our worship an "experience", and seeing to it that our every "need" is met...right down to coffee and doughnuts.  don't get me wrong, i love the coffee and doughnuts...but where are those things which were indispensable to Jesus and His early church?

i was reminded recently of all of the "hard words" that Jesus spoke to those around him.  "your righteousness must surpass that of the pharisees," "be holy as I am holy," "whoever does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me."  if i think about these words in the way that i should they are hard to grasp, and make me uneasy in my chair.  these are only a few, and i've not mentioned the lives that Jesus called His followers to leave, or the sin He pointed out.  following Jesus is a life of repentance.   some of His first words, picking up the torch after John the Baptist was thrown in prison, were, "repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand."  following Jesus is a life of walking Jesus' road, with His cross in tow.

repent  carry your cross.

everywhere that Jesus exposed sin, when met with humility and faith, He also healed.  those who can admit they are sick receive the healing touch of Christ.  all of those who think that they are not sick, or do not need to be made well, or have no fault in them...repeatedly pointing the finger at someone else instead of pointing inwardly at their own hearts, has healing far from them.

too many times i have pointed the finger.  too many times i have blamed the world for my many mistakes. "i'm this way because others sinned against me," "the world has put all this filth in my mind," etc. etc.  it's true, both of those things have happened.  but it does not excuse the fact that i chose to sin.  without Christ i freely choose sin.  it's all i choose without His grace in my life.  if it were not for His grace, i would at every moment of every day choose sin.  

when it comes to a ministry of recovery from a life of habitual and cyclical sin....how do we teach those who are sick where they can find healing? how do we point them to Christ?  where can we have safe places to share hard words, calling sinners to repentance, have christians walking with each other and not afraid to share the hard words...making men squirm in their easy chairs?  when will we stop petting the sheep and begin protecting them from the danger of themselves?

i remember when hard words were shared with me.  it was only the beginning of a journey that i'm still on, but it was a beginning i hope to never forget.  1) the words where hard but not harsh.  my sin was pointed out in clarity and in fact.  it was black and white.  no grey, no middle ground.  2) i was called to repent from my sin.  point blank, again.  i was looked square in the eye and told to stop sinning in the ways that i had.  3) i was safe.  hard words were shared in an environment where i could be freely vulnerable without fear of humiliation of public ridicule.  i was humbled, but not humiliated. the public became aware of my sin, but ridicule was never in view.

i am eternally grateful to the men who stood on the side of truth and justice and who chose not to sidestep my sin and downplay it as "a bad mistake" or "an indiscretion."  the very minute we downplay the sin of our fellow christians we diminish the justice of the cross, and hold far off the hope of a life renewed by repentance.

i only hope that i can be more humble if there ever comes a time for me to hear hard words again.  and if i ever i need to share hard words, my hope and prayer is that i can love as those men loved me....enough to share hard words in a time of easy chairs...for the sake of repentance and restoration unto the glory of God through His Son and His work on the cross.  it's where we must live and breathe...and have our very existence....

    

mileu

driving home from church this morning, after a fairly moving moment at communion, i began to wonder what it was going to take for me to strive after excellence.  looking around in the room of my mind, in all the corners and closets, i can count many areas that are in need of cleaning and upkeep.  some left untouched for a long time, some given minimal attention, and the ones given most attention still in need of repair.  i saw a life "getting by."  it's not that i don't take my spiritual life seriously or that i have made a consious decision to to "skate", as it were.  but it seems to be what is happening.  looking around the lives of churchgoers and christians at large, i see a movement of active, God seeking, minimalists.  it seems that the prevailing christian millieu is one which sees christians as sinners who cannot escape that fact.  (caution: it is indelibly true that this is the case.  the human nature is such that there will alway be, until the end has come, a cloud of sinfulness which pervades everything we do.)  however, this earmark of the christian culure has created a pessimism and a lackluster effort of christians and their leaders to expect excellence from the church.  by identifying christians as "sinners and nothing more," we're making less of an effort into correcting sinfulf habits, creating communities to encourage and uplift sinners in repentance and right living, preaching repentance from the pulpit, and, grossly, letting accountability slide into a hug and affectionate smile of "i'm glad i don't have your struggles."  part of me wonders if this mentality is because there are those of us that struggle more than normal with certain sin patterns, etc...and those that don't have that same struggle simply don't know how to address it.

  talking tonight with a dear friend, a psychologist and co-small group leader, we entered into the discussion of addiction and certain mental disorders such as anxiety and depression.  when someone finds out they have an addiction or a disorder, a very typical response is, "doesn't everybody deal with this?"  and the answer is, "no, they don't."  it then makes it difficult for both parties to understand what can be going on.  my focus here is obviously from my own testimony...but it's the struggle i see as real and apparent in the church at large.  most people don't understand that if you take an alcoholic into a bar and set a fifth of whiskey in front of him, what happens in his mind is not an ability for him to just push it away with no inner struggle or even fear or pain....it's an uncontrollable urge that he cannot supress easily. same for drug addiction, sexual addiction, co-dependency, etc...

as someone who struggles to find ways to "cope" with my sinful tendencies, i find that i am more and more in need of discipline...not punitive, but positive.  i find myself to be more likely to not fall into sin when my life is disciplined.  when i'm running regularly or climbing regularly, my life seems more focused and intentional.  i need to be this way more, a wayward son has no intention in his life, he merely floats from one day to the next hoping for the best to fall into his lap.  more times than not, however, he finds himself in the same cycle of habits...falling when he didn't even know he was in danger.  i need people, friends...clergy...family, to be intentional in my life as well, to see that i am, in turn, being proactive in my own.  

i think that's where we can start....by being intentional in each others lives.  we are more likely to succeed when we set ourselves up for success.  left to our own devices we will fall all over ourselves and then right back into sin.  Christ has left us with this wonderful community in the church...we, like sheep, have all gone astray and we are in need of shepherds to lead us, corral us, and protect us from both ourselves and our enemies.  pastor john macarthur has stated, "a shepherd is not judged on how well he pets his sheep, but on how well he protects them."  we, as christians, have the same obligation to each other.  in community, protecting each other from the pitfalls of sin.  we must be proactive, intentional, and diligent to push each other into the excellent calling of glorifying our God in every facet of our lives.

soli deo gloria  

pilgrim's progress

this quote on prayer by John Bunyan has been haunting my thoughts for the past 5 days or so...

"Prayer is a sincere, sensible, affectionate pouring out of the heart or soul to God, through Christ, in the strength and assistance of the Holy Spirit, for such things as God has promised, or according to His word, for the good of the church, with submission in faith to the will of God."

my prayers too often take the shape of what i would like to see God do.  in most instances i have good intentions, wanting God to heal, or answer, or show power, or convert...all good and noble things for Christians to desire.  but in them is an inherent selfishness that i have begun to realize.  "if these things happen," i subconsiously think, "then it will benefit me this way...."  

"with submission in faith to the will of God..."  this is the struggle for me.  submission first...then faith in the will of God.  i lack both.  pride has for too long dominated any desire to submit my heart and desires to Him.  it's a relearning process and one that has not come without pain and loss.  and faith in the will of God...our struggle to find the will of God usually begins and ends with ourselves.  "what is God's will for me?"  "what is God's will for my life?"  a wife? a better job?   a future without the nagging of my past?  all of these are blessings from God, but none of these are promises of God...and if i am to follow the scriptural model of Christ....i should be praying for the things God has promised....love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc, etc....and have faith that i will receive those things and be living the will of God.  i now pray for the grace to understand what He has promised...

"hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear unto my plea...in Thy faithfulness, answer me...." 

the women went to the tomb, expecting one thing, but found quite another.

peter and john ran to it, john faster, but they both ran. and peter, all the way in . . . as close as he could get.

thomas doubted it.  "unless i see . . .", he said.

we all come to the resurrected Christ in different ways.  

some come to Him by surprise . . . living life as normal as possible, going here and there preparing their days when unexpectedly they are greeted by grace.  angels tell them that true life, and true fulfillment do not lie where they are looking for them.  they are elsewhere, in a man, the risen Christ.

others run to Him . . . again, by grace, some have been told of Jesus, of his power over death and that He gives life.  and they run.  having been renewed in their heart the at once drop everything that they know and run to embrace the miracle of Christ.

others need proof . . . like thomas, there are those who just need to see a little bit more--touch the hands and feet.  "many impostors have tried to do the same." they say.  and they are right.  we chide thomas a bit, doubt is not faith.  but sometimes me miss that Jesus does not chide him, He merely says, "see, and believe."  and thomas does. 

Jesus meets us where we are.  He comes to us in our sickness and in our poverty.  He comes to us in our broken homes and in our failed relationships.  He comes to us when our hope is lost and our world has fallen apart.  He's the eye of the hurricane, the peace in the storm.  but most of all, He comes to us "while we are still sinners."  the life of the Christian starts when the God of the universe condescends to mankind, enters the warm lake of humanity and stirs its waters.  He became like us so He could save us.  the redemptive purposes of God reach farther than walking an aisle and making our lives "happier."  it reaches farther than my immediate need for relationship and your immediate need for a better home life.  God's salvation is bigger than my financial needs and your job situation.  our focus is so "us" centered that we miss the bigger picture.  we miss that God is redeeming all of creation, a creation of which we are only part.  in this vast universe we are but a microscopic part . . .

 . . . yet it's much bigger, too.  it was us who screwed this whole thing up.  it was man who decided to be his own God and eat the fruit.  it was man who needed to build bigger buildings, earn more money, achieve better status.  we have made ourselves in to demi-gods, and that is the reason for all the mess . . . and it's the reason God had to become man.  Jesus had to take on the full punishment and judgement of God for Him to redeem the whole of creation.  

consider the universe and consider that it was us who brought the whole thing into ruin.  and so it is us who needed saving first, so the rest could be saved later.  He made us for relationship with Him and we threw it in the garbage.  yet He still entered into it with us.  reaching His hand down into the darkest parts of our lives and gently revives our hearts and breathes, again, His life into us.  we are the new creation.  He's started over.  He's going to fix all that we messed up.

and it started today:

"He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.  He is the image of the invisible God, the first born of all creation.  For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities -- all things have been created through Him and for Him.  He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. He is also the head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the first born from the dead, so that He Himself will come to have first place in everything."  Colossians 1.13-18

Happy Easter!