Peter ain't no dummy!

As is common, my mind took a leisurely stroll through a tangential thought during church yesterday.  I can, therefore, only tell you what the first half of the sermon was about.  As for the second half, I learned what a "commoner" can do for the kingdom when he knows his bible!  In Acts 4, Peter and John are arrested for "proclaiming in Jesus the resurrection from the dead."  After spending the night in what was surely less than an ideal establishment, the two were brought before "the rulers, the elders and the teachers of the law . . . Annas the high priest was there, and so were Caiaphas, John, Alexander, and other's of the high priests family."  (Seriously, you know they have to be getting tired of this!  This Jesus character just won't leave them alone!)  I wonder, as Luke is writing, if he's going back to Jesus' trial, when the high priest questioned Him.  Jesus asked them why they didn't arrest him in the temple courts, and perhaps the high priest remembered that because they weren't making that mistake again.  They nabbed Peter and John as quickly as they could.  The morning after the arrest, which was also the day after Peter healed a lame beggar and the spark which lit the fire, they asked, "By what power or what name did you do this?"  No denying the healing, they knew the man, they knew he couldn't walk, but they saw him walk (dance, rather) right into the temple courts.
And Peter answered them, "Rulers and elders of the people!"  (Okay, just a note here, Peter has no problem going straight up the the CEO and VP's of the establishment with his claims of truth.  A measure of boldness professionals in the world have a hard time finding...this one included) "If we are being called to account today for an act of kindness shown to a man who was lame and being asked how he was healed, then know this..It was God."  No, that's not what he said.  The last three lines there, that's a cop-out.  He knows they believe in God and he knows they believe God performs miracles.  No, Peter cinches up his belt, takes another dose of boldness and basically says, "if we're being called to account for how we were nice to a lame man, then I am going to tell you what REALLY matters!"  Instead of simply explaining the miracle, he takes the opportunity to preach the gospel.  To Peter, the miracle is only the sign, and the real efficacy is in the proclamation of the name above all names.  The real quote goes like this,

"Rulers and elders of the people!  If we are being called to account today for an act of kindness shown to a man who was lame and being asked how he was healed, then know this, you and all the people of Israel:  It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth (that name stings the high priest), whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed. Jesus is 'the stone the builders rejected, which has become the cornerstone.'  Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved."

After he says this, the high priests, the "mega-church seminarian PhD's" realized that they hadn't been to school and that they were ordinary commoners and were "astonished."  What did Peter say?  He quoted a portion of Psalm 118.  It's Psalm about the salvation of Israel, and Peter knows this.  He ties that point in at the end of his quote.  But more importantly are the overtones of what he was saying.  The Psalm mentions the sons of Aaron (priests) directly, that they should praise the love of the Lord.  He then links Jesus directly to the Psalm as being the cornerstone of salvation and in whom they should rejoice.  But Peter is indicating that maybe not all are rejoicing (sons of Aaron), that maybe there are some present who are directly responsible for "rejecting the stone" (sons of Aaron).  His claims are bold.  His claims are right on!  And the priests cannot take them on biblically.  Peter knows too much, but more importantly, "because they could see the man who had been healed standing there with them, there was nothing they could say."  

Peter's boldness and his knowledge of scripture shut the mouths of  the learned leaders.  He "astonished" them being common and "unlearned."  But Peter knew his bible.  He ain't no dummy.  Along with boldness it is a vital cog in the wheel of evangelism.  But what the high priest and elders saw, the one thing that stopped them short of doing anything at all, was the fact that a lame man was standing before them.  The healing work of Christ cannot be denied.  When Jesus does work in the life of a person, that person then becomes a witness who bears testimony to the power of the resurrected Lord.  Just as Peter said.  We, like Peter need to know and understand our bibles that we may give answer in a time of question.  We must also be bold like Peter, not backing down from the powerful in this world but holding fast that the truth of the Gospel holds the real power.  But we must not hold those above the actual healing power and work of our Savior.  He and He alone heals.  He and He alone saves.  Just as it says in Psalms so Peter says....and so should we.     

Light and Darkness: Mutually Exclusive

“And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.”

Charles Spurgeon on Light and Darkness:

“Let there be light.” We who enjoy it should be more grateful for it than we are, and see more of God in it and by it. Light physical is said by Solomon to be sweet, but gospel light is infinitely more precious, for it reveals eternal things, and ministers to our immortal natures. When the Holy Spirit gives us spiritual light, and opens our eyes to behold the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ, we behold sin in its true colours, and ourselves in our real position; we see the Most Holy God as he reveals himself, the plan of mercy as he propounds it, and the world to come as the Word describes it."

The way that we can identify dark sin in our lives is by looking at the light and those things which reflect the light.  Scripture, prayer, fellowship, love...by immersing ourselves in these things the light can do nothing other than expose the dark, wipe away the shadows, and show us all that is good.  As Romans 12 states, "prove what the good, acceptable, perfect will of God."

"Light and darkness have no communion; God has divided them, let us not confound them. Sons of light must not have fellowship with deeds, doctrines, or deceits of darkness. The children of the day must be sober, honest, and bold in their Lord’s work, leaving the works of darkness to those who shall dwell in it forever. Our Churches should by discipline divide the light from the darkness, and we should by our distinct separation from the world do the same. In judgment, in action, in hearing, in teaching, in association, we must discern between the precious and the vile, and maintain the great distinction which the Lord made upon the world’s first day."

The church who does not divide the darkness from the light in both doctrine and deed partner with darkness and do not advance the kingdom of light.  We cannot, as Christians, participate in darkness and expect the light of Christ to advance in this world, they are mutually exclusive and have been since creation. "God is light, and in Him there is no darkness at all." (1 John 1:5) At creation God showed us that it is by Him and in Him that light dispels darkness.  He is our beacon and our sun and He has given to the church the humble and glorious responsibility of reflecting the light of Christ in this dark world.
"O Lord Jesus, be thou our light throughout the whole of this day, for thy light is the light of men."


   

Thoughts on Easter pt. 4 "The Cross as Life"

Easter means life. It is the Christian’s time to celebrate victory over death! And not only do we celebrate Jesus’ own resurrection, but ours as well. Both spiritually in the new birth and also our future hope when all sin, sickness, death and decay will be done away with once and for all. As we look forward to that great and glorious day, we can truly live now in the life that Jesus gives us. The life that he received after his faithful obedience at the cross God also freely gives to us, that we may live like Jesus.

Paul, wrapping up his “death to self” theme to the Philippians writes, “Yet whatever gains I had, these I have come to regard as loss because of Christ. More than that, I regard everything as loss because of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things, and I regard them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but one that comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God based on faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death, if somehow I may attain the resurrection from the dead.” (Phil. 3:7-11)

Here we see Paul sum up how he views his own life by considering all that he has rights to as “rubbish” (the stronger, more appropriate word actually used here by Paul we’ll leave off…let’s just say we shouldn’t use it in this setting). We see evident in his life that he has “suffered the loss of all things…in order that [he] may gain Christ.” The voluntary laying down of rights is the cruciform life Paul entreats each of us to live. But to what end?

First, that we may know Christ. In Paul’s mind, to “know” Christ is to take up the mind and life of Christ. Sacrificial love and wisdom are necessary to genuinely know Christ, here and now.

Second, in addition to knowing Christ he desires to know “the power of his resurrection and the sharing of his sufferings by becoming like him in his death.”   As we have seen in the previous 3 posts, time and time again Paul’s gaze is toward the cross. Even to know “the power of His resurrection” he becomes like Him in His death. Resurrection life, Jesus’ way of kingdom living, is done by dying!   In short...the more we live like Christ, the more we are conformed to his death, the more we willingly lay down toward the goal of Christ and His kingdom, then the more we will live the life of the resurrection.  They go, unswervingly, hand in hand.

The power of the cross for all that we do is in dying to ourselves and our rights.  The wisdom of the cross tells us that we must have the same mind of Christ, one of sacrificial living.  The love of the cross is demonstrated through us to the world as we imitate the demonstration of God's love towards us....the cross.  And finally, in all of these, we see the power of the resurrection.  The power of new life being poured into earthen vessels, the wisdom for decisions and right, kingdom living, and the love which fulfills the law of Christ.  These are the resurrection life, here and now.

"For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall be also in the likeness of His resurrection." Romans 6:5  

Thoughts on Easter pt. 3 "The Cross as Love"

Perhaps no other emotion has evoked such a response as has love.  It's needless to recount the endless numbers of poets, musicians, historians, myths, legends, and stories that tell us of all the ways love has affected us, for good and for bad.  One thing is fairly obvious, though (in my estimation) . . . love is misunderstood.  For most it is an emotion; a feeling or series of feelings that we have toward another person or thing.  When we say, "I love you," it generally is meant as a feeling toward something and the hope is that the response will be feelings returned.  Romance and it's cousins indeed play a part in love and most men will tell you that if it does not play a part things can go very badly, very quickly.  But feelings are not the starting or ending point of love.  They are not the basis of love, but can be some of the byproducts of love done right?
What then is love?  Our love for God and each other is demonstrated for us, and should find its basis in, the cross.  Paul writes in his letter to the Romans, "one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would even dare to die.  But God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." (5:7-8)  We sinners, vile and wretched, separated from a holy God because of our sin, being the very filth that He cannot look upon were loved by Him by way of the cross.  His son, perfect and kingly, died on the cross so that he could restore us to right-relationship with the God we were so cosmically separated from.  And as we dig a little deeper into this demonstration of love, the reality of love in Jesus' death on the cross, we see the picture of how our daily demonstration of love in our lives finds its basis in the cross.
Moving from one apostle to another, we see John recount Jesus' words:  "This is my commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends, if you do what I command you . . . This I command you, that you love one another." (15:12-14, 17)  As we follow the pattern, Jesus' command to us, His "law," is that we love each other.  By sharing our feelings ?  By saying nice things and painting each other in light of rainbows and butterflies?  No.  Love, for Jesus, means dying.  Laying down His life is His demonstration of love and we are to love "just as I have loved you."  And the crux of it all, the part that we so misunderstand, is that love is self-sacrificial.  "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."  Jesus willingly died for us as a demonstration of love.  And we, in order to love, must willingly die as well.  This plays out not in a physical death (although in extremes it can and has), but in a dying to our own rights and desires.  To daily "take up our cross" means to willingly lay down the rights we were carrying in order to have free hands to carry the cross.  We cannot carry both.
And what of the unlovable?  Or loving when we've been wronged?  We still look at the cross.  "While we were yet sinners . . . Christ died for us."  Our "feelings" toward another should not cloud our love.  The way of the cross and the pattern of a cross centered life has been set:  "As I have loved you."
The cross was God's demonstration of His love toward us filthy sinners.  For us to love, whether it is God, family, spouse, children, friends, etc., we must follow the same pattern of laying down all the rights we think we have and have the mind Christ had as He carried His cross.  The power of the cross, the wisdom of the cross, and now the love of the cross are all intertwined and carry the same theme:  there is power, wisdom, and love by living by the way of the cross. 

Thoughts on Easter pt. 2 "The Cross as Wisdom"

The Cross as Wisdom

For Paul, there is a connection between the power and wisdom of the cross.  The wisdom of God, in a very violent way, defeats the wisdom of the world: it crushes it.  "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the cleverness of the clever I will set aside." (1 Cor. 1:19)  The Greco-Roman culture of the time was one that touted the very best wisdom of the world.  Building upon the wisdom of the great Greek philosophers, the scribes of the time looked high and low for the greatest wisdom of the age.  In fact, many sought out Paul to learn the great "wisdom" that he taught (Acts 17:16-34).  His wisdom was "strange to [their] ears" and he was seen as "an idle babbler . . . of strange deities." (19)  The end of the verse tells us why, "Because he was preaching Jesus and the resurrection."  Because we know Paul (in his own words) always preached "Christ crucified," this was surely a part of the babbling that went on as he preached.  But how does this wisdom crush the wisdom of the wise?
The Roman culture of the day, and our own culture as it echoes theirs, taught as wisdom the necessity of self-love, self-advancement, and personal achievement.  The wisdom of God, however, is the antithesis of the world.  We are to despise ourselves, consider others as better, forgo all rights we think we have and serve those around us in any way we can.  This is the wisdom that Jesus lived by, and in so doing ascended to the right hand of the Father, being "the First born of the dead and ruler of the kings of the earth." (Rev. 1:5)  It is by living by the wisdom of the cross that we will see the truth of Jesus' statement "the last shall be first, and the first last." (Matt 20:16)  Jesus, putting Himself last for all men and all creation, became the first born of the new creation and began a movement of life governing wisdom not yet seen in this world.
To be a disciple of Jesus Christ is to live by His wisdom.  Living by the wisdom of the world sets us up as our own Gods.  We become our own governing deity, controlling our own destiny and by so doing we think of ourselves as worthy of praise from those around us for all of our accomplishments.  But God will share His throne with no one.  By reaching His holy hand into the sewage of our sinful lives, God has placed us "in Christ Jesus who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, that, just as it is written, 'Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord.'" (1 Cor 1:30-31)  By being "in Christ" we were given a new wisdom for life.  Christ Himself became our wisdom!  All that God sees as wise He sees in His Son.  We are inextricably tied to the wisdom of God as we are in Christ.
God's wisdom throughout the ages has been to raise the lowly high, make the useless usable, and put the inferior at a table with the best the world has to offer.  Living by this wisdom is what brings us the power that so amazingly not only transforms us but also is the power by which God transforms the world.  The power of the cross to crush sin is the wisdom of God in "Christ crucified" . . . the same power that conquered sin once and for all conquers sin in our daily lives as we live by the wisdom of God in Christ.  

Thoughts on Easter pt. 1 "The Cross as Power"

Scrolling through the different avenues of social media today I noticed a large number of posts pointing to the death and resurrection of our Messiah.  My own was an update about coffee....and sleeping in.  I am thankful for the rest of my global Christian family whose thoughts were on Christ this morning and not their own selfish tendencies to brag and enjoy a cup of filtered bean water.  That said, I noticed a theme and it struck home, resonating in my heart.
Among those posts was a theme of Good Friday being the "necessary" day for Easter.  i.e. "without Good Friday, there is no Easter."  Indeed this is true.  Without death there is no resurrection.  It's a simple truth.  What resonated in my heart was a belief of how often I think, "now, if I can just get through the death part in order to get to the life part."  I tend to view Good Friday like I would exam week.  You have to go through it to get to the holiday but it's not an enjoyable journey.  It's simply a necessary part of the road we travel.
My thoughts have been resting here for a long season and it's amazing to me how I still don't "get it."  My initial thoughts upon waking up are how I can "live" and all the things I can do with my life.  Sleeping in, drinking coffee, having a day off of work...all a picture of my selfish "easter."  When I should instead be waking up with a mind and heart for Good Friday, and how every day should be a Good Friday.
For the next few days, until that great day we remember death was indeed conquered, I want to look at the cross in four ways.

The Cross as Power
The Cross as Wisdom
The Cross as Love
The Cross as Life

The Cross as Power

"We preach Christ Crucified . . . to those who are the called . . . Christ the power of God." (1 Cor. 1:23-24 selected portions)  This is liable to trip someone up.  And indeed, the apostle Paul says it does, "to the Jews a stumbling block." (23)  One would think any rational human being would stop to ponder, "so what you're telling me that is that "power" comes through death?"  That's exactly what we're saying.  Paul exhibits what this power looks like . . . it is Christ crucified.
"And when I came to you, brothers, I did not come with superiority of speech or of wisdom, proclaiming to you the testimony of God. For I determined to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ, and Him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and in much trembling. And my message and my preaching were not in persuasive words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith should not rest on the wisdom of men, but on the power of God." (1 Cor. 2:1-5)
Christ's death on the cross was a demonstration of both His obedience to His Father (Rom. 5:19) and God's love for us (Rom. 5:8).  It is that obedience and love which draws us to Him.  "We were reconciled to God through the death of His Son." (Rom 5:10)  The power that can do such as thing as make filthy sinners like us reconciled to God is in the demonstration of the power of God, not simply in talking about it.  God "demonstrates His love for us" by Christ dying.  And this is how the gospel was made so effective in Corinth when Paul was there, in demonstration of this same power.  It is not the power of lightning and showmanship . . . it is the power of death and love.
So then, what does this mean for us?  The power of God plays out in us when we are obedient on our Good Friday as Christ was in His.  Each and every day we must "take up our cross" and follow Him.  We cannot simply talk about it, we must die for others.  This is the power of the cross.  We must wake up each day with the thoughts of Christ, "Today, I am going to die for people out of a love for my Father and in obedience to Him."  Having this mind in us is having the same mind of Christ and is power for drawing a lost and dying world to Him.
Our prayer ought be, "Father, give me strength today by your Spirit to have the mind of Jesus.  To empty myself of selfishness and conceit and with humility consider others more important than myself.  Give me power to be a servant to all and by so doing live out the power of Christ crucified, that people may be drawn to the God who did the same for me."

gratis pro deo

gratis pro deo..."free and for God"

As Americans, we have a culturally conditioned mindset toward making money.  Outside of our basic needs for money; food, clothing, shelter, etc., we have been taught to define success by it.  And even if in the secular environment there is a shift toward the "greater good" such as philanthropic endeavors, corporate "community service," and humanitarian aid, there is still a "payment" to be expected on some level.  Large corporations give large amounts of money to aid causes but for the payment of recognition and creating a social "environment" to grow the company's base.  Employers encourage employees to contribute in the community and offer incentives for them to do so, each incentive very often being the motivation for service at all.  And even our churches (and this is the saddest part) "serve" not out of a desire of the heart but because it's hounded from the pulpit, required for church membership, or, in the end, out of guilt.  And before I go further, let me add a disclaimer: I am glad that these things are getting done: both on the corporate level and individually...whether wrongly motivated or right.  In the end, needs must be met.  So whether the needs are being met by multi-billion dollar corporations who do it to get a commercial on TV or a white-collar dad helping in the church nursery because he needed his wife to stop badgering him at home...the poor get fed and the babies get watched.  However, if you (we) belong to Christ, our Christ-likeness is reflected in the heart motive toward our neighbor.

The Latin phrase gratis pro deo means "free and for God."  Let's look at the two halves: "free" and "for God."

The most important part of this phrase (first introduced to me by Os Guinness in his book The Call) is of course pro deo..."for God."  But let's look at gratis first.  The apostle Paul writes in his letter to the Colossians, "Whatever your task, work heartily, as serving the Lord and not men.  Knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward; you are serving the Lord Christ" (vv. 23-24).  The context of the Colossian letter places the instruction Paul is giving to slaves with regard to their masters.  It is an admonition to take what they must do (slaves are ordered, not given options) and instead serve the Lord Christ.  Their "payment" ,as such, is stated here to be "the inheritance" promised to all those who belong to Christ.  It is not to be understood as another heavenly reward for good deeds; for not talking back to their masters or performing well.  Paul's intention here is to say,"your reward is already guaranteed by virtue of you being in Christ...so serve the Lord Christ as your daily worship!"  In my own search for my "calling," I have heard over and over almost those exact words: "Chris! Listen to me...your reward, your inheritance, your riches are all sitting in a vault waiting for that last day.  Now, serve me without another mention of 'what can I gain from this.'"  Like a father both disciplining and encouraging a son, He has been teaching me the gratis of my call.  Sometimes we do receive earthly recognition and sometimes there is earthly motivation offered for services rendered, we cannot control that.  What we do have more control over is our heart's intent as we serve.  "Do not look out for your own personal interests, but instead toward the interests of others.  Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Christ Jesus...." (Phil. 2:4-5 ff). 

And now, pro deo.  What will it take for you and me to understand that we have been "bought" and are now "slaves of righteousness?"  The down payment for our inheritance (Eph.1), the promise of our inheritance (Eph. 3:6, Gal. 3:29) and that it will surely be ours is the Holy Spirit.  Given to us freely, the Holy Spirit is the power of Christ living through us unto the world.  "Therefore if any man is in Christ, he is [a] new creation (just recently learned the connection to the OT language of the "new creation", thus how it reads); the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.  Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation . . . therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were entreating through us." (2 Cor. 5:17-20)  I could go on and on with this imagery, but I'll just say this:  God sent His King into a foreign country and set up an embassy.  The King reconciled the world to Himself by way of the cross, then rose again and ascended to His Father's side.  In His place He placed us.  We are ambassadors, working out of "The Embassy for Reconciliation," beseeching all the world to be reconciled to God.  With that in mind we can say, "whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."  Our lives have been made new, and by the power of the Spirit we are to serve others toward the world's reconciliation to God, and ALL OF IT unto His glory...pro deo.

I am not good at serving others and when I am I can sometimes get frustrated by not being recognized like I think I ought.  I (we) must keep reminding myself that if my redemption is not a good enough reason to in humility serve my neighbor gratis pro deo, then there is an issue with my heart, and I must repent. 

Jesus died gratis pro deo....and honestly, that's all that really needs to be said about it.

how to kill sin once and for all...die.

"For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Phil. 1:21

In a very real sense, what the apostle Paul is saying here is, "If I go on living...it will be dying. And if I die...well that would be great!" Being a Roman citizen, Paul was able to invoke his position in order to get out of prison, escape execution, etc.  And, as related here in Philippians, there were times when he thought maybe he wouldn't.  Maybe he could just be a martyr and then be with Christ.  It would be to his advantage and a great step up from this life.  But, imitating the Christ he loves, Paul makes selfless decisions, remained living on earth as long as he could...serving churches and winning souls.

The Christian understanding of death is two fold: 1) It is our mortal enemy. Our father Adam, by one act of disobedience, gave to us the inheritance of eternal death (Rom. 5:12). But 2) physical death ushers the Christian into the direct company of Christ (2 Cor. 5:8) and rescues us, once and for all, from the grip of sin. So, in a morbid way of thinking, to be free from sin is to, indeed, die. Physically. Although, there is another death, and it is one that we must choose daily.

"For me to live is Christ" is Paul's mantra, his modus operandi, his M.O.  Paul takes very seriously what it means "to live is Christ."  Over and over throughout his letters he refers not only to Christ but very specifically to "Christ crucified." So for Paul to say "to live is Christ" is to say "to live is Christ crucified." It is the crucified and risen Christ who we are to imitate.  To imitate the "love" of Christ, or  the "grace" of Christ, or the "humility," "joy," "obedience," "faith," etc. of Christ is to die daily, just as Jesus died.  One cannot do any of the others, unless he first truly dies.

This death is two fold:
First, it is a death of self unto God:

"If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me." Luke 9:23

We see in the death of Christ a complete picture of what it means to give up one's rights; "although He existed in the form of God, [he] did not regard equality with God something to be grasped." (Phil 2:6) To put it another way, "even though He existed in the form of God and had all the rights associated with it, He gave up His own rights," "humbling himself by becoming obedient, all the way to death."  Jesus' death was a self-denying obedience to His Father.  The phrase "take up your cross" demands of us the same "death of self."  Carrying Christ's cross is not merely carrying with us the fact of His death and all that it accomplished, although that is very true.  It is also carrying the very essence of His death.  The walk of Christ to Golgotha is the same walk we must daily make.  Humility, obedience, sacrifice...His walk is our daily walk.  As we daily pick up our cross we are saying, "everything that I think I have a right to I lay down:  job, family, spouse, children, money, food, cars, clothes, houses...all of it I deny, and instead I renounce my 'rights' to anything I have."  In so doing, we free ourselves from ourselves and make room for the Spirit of Christ to change us.  It is a daily, cognitive decision, not a 'one time action.'  It is "presenting our bodies as living sacrifices," and "renewing our minds that we may prove the will of God" (Rom 12:1-2).  To walk this life free of the sin which so easily entangles, we must first "die" to all that we hold dear.

Second, it is a death unto each other

Our death does not end vertically, it must then transfer to the horizontal realm of our relationships.  The sins that we commit against each other stem from selfishness and the "rights" that we think we have over other people.  Just before Paul describes the self-sacrificing heart of Christ, he exhorts the Philippians, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility [note the same language of Christ "humbling" Himself by dying] of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourself [think of it this way, 'do not consider equality with your peer something to be held on to']" (Phil. 2:3).  The only way we can heed Paul's exhortation, as we continue reading in Philippians, is to empty ourselves of ourselves each and every day, just as Christ did in His life-long walk to the cross.  Our love for others is to imitate the love of Christ for us:  a self-sacrificing servitude and love.  How much less do we have to give up than He?

Our call is to be separate from the world and sinless.  It begins with death and lives in a life committed to the life of Christ in the world and the life of the church beyond ourselves.  All in all, our love and obedience to Christ and our love and service to others is the very nature of the Cross. In all that we do we are to have the attitude of Christ crucified. It is our living death. The servant of all servants is our great mirror, and the One whom we are to imitate.

welcome back!

Having successfully completed over 1 year of not blogging, my mind and heart have been refreshed to begin again.  God has been good and gracious this past year (I laugh at even thinking He would be anything different), and what He has taught me has filled up to overflowing and the desire to share, write, teach, and examine life is in full force.  There have also been the gracious comments of multiple friends and readers who have persuaded me to pick up my "pen."  That they would want to know what I think and read what I write is humbling, and I thank them for their kind words.  Hopefully I won't disappoint.

I don't have anything substantive today, but in the next few days and over the coming weeks I hope to have some posts on the following topics (though not necessarily in this order):

• How to kill sin once and for all (Luke 9:23)
• Calvin's dilemma: Where to begin? (Book 1: Institutes of the Christian Religion)
• Finding God to find the self (a commentary on the social dilemma of "who am I?")
• Daily Life: What mold are you being formed to fit? (the cross in daily life: a theology of the practical)
• gratis pro deo
• Calling and vocation (a look at the western church's impact on "work" and the Christian)
• Responding to God's call (who, what, and where)

On another note, you can follow the blog (and me) on twitter @chrisperkinson.  I will update on Facebook as well. 

All in all...welcome back!  To me and to you!!

Christo et doctinae, soli Deo gloria

resolutions

for the past couple of months i have been using Jonathan Edwards' Resolutions as a catalyst for meditation and prayer. i started them around the new year....thinking it was a good time for "resolutions".... and have been slowly making my way through them. this morning's resolution struck me as particularly pertinent to recent conversations regarding my testimony, and for that matter, everyone's testimony.

Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.

most of you, if not all of you, who are reading this have read or know my testimony. and many of you have asked me the question, "would you take it all back if you could?"

yes.

and no.

yes because i hurt more people than i can count and offended to the greatest degree the one, true God. sin is inexcusable and any and every occasion to not sin should be and must be taken. so, yes, i would take it back.

and no because through the whole ordeal Christ found me. if you know my theology you know i believe in a sovereign God who is in complete control of all things, and the road my life went down is no exception. even though i was not with Him, He was in it every step of the way. in it and through it He found me. i will even go so far as to say that He specifically had me walk that road so He could find me in it. knowing and planning all along my fall and redemption, all to the ultimate end of His glory of His grace. i am solely responsible for all of my sin, and He for all the grace of saving me from it. i did all the sinning, and Christ did all the work for cleansing that sin. those were our roles in the story. i am the sinner, Christ the redeemer, and God the Father the giver of life...receiver of glory.

so Edwards' resolution? where i have been is the back story and necessary for what is most important...how, by His grace, i am living today and how today impacts how i live tomorrow. many wonder if i will fail again in the same way i failed before. my only response can be that i am human and outside of the grace and mercy of our loving God i am capable (and even sure) of evil things. but being held inside His grace i am promised in scripture that i am "controlled by the love of Christ" (2 cor. 5:14), and that His Spirit has "sealed me for the day of redemption" (eph. 1:14), and that i am being "conformed into the likeness of His Son." (rom. 8:29) outside of Christ, no, i don't stand a chance. but He has promised these things to those who are His and we can with confidence believe in His promises.

it is my resolution, along with Edwards, that i live the life i would want to look back upon and be thankful for. by the grace of God, and by the love that powers it, i will.

need

"It is His unending search for us that makes this thing work."

children.

it's what we are.

we need to be told the same things over and over and over again and we still, all grown up and mature, don't get it....

"He must become greater; i must become less." john the baptist
i laughed a little bit last night at how ridiculous i can be as i thought about how often i weigh the needs of myself against the needs of others. and even more so how i weigh my own needs over the desires God has for my life. how often i find myself saying, "i need ____, i really need _____, if i could just get ____," and all the while i completely forget that i NEED Christ. why is it that our "pressing" needs of money, food, shelter and love completely overshadow the innate and glaring emptiness of Christ in our lives? i'm not talking so much about redemption (although it is obviously true), i'm referring more to my own lack of discipline in seeking him out on a daily basis. call it a quiet time, call it devotions, call it prayer time...call it whatever you want. having "one of those" isn't required. what IS required is devotion. what IS required is prayer. the root of the issue, for me, isn't that i don't have those times set aside, it's the root of the issue that my mind and heart don't automatically desire it all of the time. much of the time, at least lately, it seems they don't. i have become greater...He has become less.

what i've seen

this phenomenon comes and goes. some days/weeks i seem to be pretty ok, trusting faithfully and walking a faithful walk. and other days/weeks i'm not sure where i am. i end up feeling lost and not quite sure which way is up. i soon forget that i'm even lost and give up looking for a way out. i get slothful and lazy, wasting time on trivial things and not engaging my mind or body. spiraling downwards i finally end up feeling like i have just "come to" and asking, "where am i? how did i get here?" and, like a child, i cannot remember what it was i was told the last time i got into this mess. i get frustrated that i cannot figure it out, "i think i should pray, yeah, that's probably it." and then when i do i don't know what to say. the ceiling comes down to about nose level as i look up and all the words seem to go no further than my lips, floating all around me and then popping like little spiritual bubbles. it's frustrating. UGH!

so, last night, i composed a prayer that i'm going to carry around with me for when i feel like this. i prayed it last night and at least i felt like it went somewhere. it's simple and it's shallow....but it's honest:

"i don't know what to say or how to pray.

my desires are too often for my flesh...selfish...seeking my own gain.

how do i change my thoughts? how do Your desires become my own?

so many years of sinful living have made my thoughts a storehouse of sin...like a drug habit i cannot break, or an addiction i cannot overcome.

this, again, i confess to You. this, again, is sin bringing me despair and the feeling of helpless hopelessness.

yet i know that in You there is hope and with You there is help.

Lord, this is my time of need: i am so caught up in myself that i cannot see You, feel You, or hear You.

Lord, this is my need: that you open my ears, that You open my eyes, and that You awaken once more the stone heart in my chest and make it alive to You.

Lord, this is my most desperate need: more than money, more than someone to love me, more than peace of mind regarding my future and my past....

....my need is You.

find me....because i don't know where to look for You."

Fear

I’ve had a nag, and I’ve had it for a few weeks now.

To start, you’re all familiar with the phrase, “I have this nagging feeling that…”. It’s like a premonition, a gut instinct that we get when we know something is wrong, or about to go wrong, but we can’t quite put our finger on it. It’s a sort of emotional déjà vu but before the event/”thing” actually happens. It’s often paralyzing, consuming our thoughts and taking focus away from daily tasks or our relationships. It can take us into the pensive place of the investigator, probing all options and looking for clues as to what will happen, what we might have missed, and the root of it all, “why am I feeling this way?”

Some deep emotions were revived in me a few weeks ago with regards to my past, emotions that I had consciously buried in an attempt to get past them and “move on.” For the past couple of years this has been, for the most part, successful. Life flowed just fine, I could work effectively, friendships were maintained as well as relationships with family. I was coasting fairly peacefully. But lurking below the surface, in a dungeon mostly forgotten, with prisoners only the warden was aware of…a jailbreak was being planned.

As these emotions rose up again and began to invade my daily thoughts, and as instances in my life gave reminders of the past, I started having that nagging feeling that something wasn’t right…and I didn’t at all like the way I felt. It started consuming me more and more. I didn’t want to talk to friends for fear that they would bring up even more of these feelings. I started to take all of me down the winding, dark, concrete stairs into the dungeon. Halfway through my descent I was met halfway by a bulrush of emotion. I couldn’t fight this one. I was helpless.

Two nights before Christmas I had a horrible night’s sleep. I woke up every 45 minutes or so and tossed and turned all night. During the night, somewhere in the middle of one of my “naps,” I had one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had. The dream involved only two people; me and one of my dearest friends. In the dream, my friend was vehemently accusing me of “crimes” committed. It wasn’t loving, it wasn’t friendly, and it sure as heck wasn’t nice. I remember him yelling, pointing his finger, telling me how absolutely awful I was, how my guilt was so glaringly evident to all…his words came across like judgment, and in my dream I felt like a sentenced felon. But the hurtful part, the part that was “nightmarish,” was I believed whole heartedly that this friend had forgiven me everything…and here he was accusing where there was already forgiveness. In my dream it was faith destroying…when I woke up, I had some serious stuff to deal with.

Being forced into dealing with “that nagging feeling” wasn’t the greatest but it was necessary. It seems that many times God has shown me my need by showing me how desperately sick I am when left to myself. (Jeremiah 17:9) It didn’t take me long to start putting the puzzle pieces together…and the dungeon started coming to light. And what rose out of it was the silent character in my life….Fear.

To tell a soldier he need not be afraid of the enemy, of bullets near his head, or bombs falling on top of him, seems silly. Of course he will fear these things…they can kill him and, if not, perhaps seriously injure him. The idea, of course, is to keep the soldier fighting, to convince him to run headlong into these threats despite fear. There aren’t too many soldiers looking for death or pain, and not many of them hope it comes to them. Mankind, in general, takes an unkindly position on situations that cause them harm. What the soldier needs to understand, and in actuality be completely convinced and convicted about, is that his sacrifice is for a greater good. Putting the needs of the many above the one is a cause the true soldier will gladly confront death for. It is a selfless, humble act for his country.

Fear is our mind’s natural reaction to negative stimuli. To be afraid of things that may cause you harm is built in as a survival tool. Instances happen to us in our life that are negative, when we see those happening again Fear kicks in because our minds do not want to have to have the renewed experience.

Fear is what had gripped me so tightly. I’m not a fearful person. I have no known phobias or the like, but in the case of confronting my own demons, my own emotions, and my own future…I was paralyzed by Fear. As my mind re-lived the pain and hurt I went through for years, as well as the pain I caused others, I became fearful. My mind and heart began to close down because I didn’t want to go through it again.

As I look back over the past couple of years, and specifically over the past few months, I can see Fear seeping its way into my daily life. I have been afraid to develop deep, lasting relationships, pursue new avenues in my life, and sometimes even go out in public. I was afraid to meet new people and I would stand in the corner at parties. It is debilitating…and a little bit embarrassing.

I was the prisoner inside the cell. Fear was the warden on the outside, holding the keys. My selfish tendencies to protect myself were keeping me “safe”…out of sight, out of mind. The only association I would make with people, better yet, the only time I was willing to let myself be vulnerable, was when people actually came down into my cell to visit me. It was always on my terms, in my words, in my cell. The love, grace, and forgiveness I have experienced has always been on that level. First and foremost with Jesus. He did not require me to come out and find him. He found me in my dead, sinful state and breathed life into my then lifeless heart. Others followed suit: Friends, family, children, and churches…they all reached out a hand to me, to love and to forgive.

And I came to expect it to always be that way…

And now, for the first time, I see that my cell is open. The warden is there, but he has no keys. He looks at me, like an enemy waiting to attack, and he’s giving me an option. I can pull the door shut, closing myself inside the cell again and wait for people to come to me, on my terms, in my cell, or, I can walk out, confront Him head on and take the grace, love, and forgiveness that others have given me and use it to live in the world.

I fear the pain. I don’t want it. My inclination is to run against it and avoid it at all cost. This isn’t an option.

“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage – I have conquered the world.” John 16.33

The words Jesus spoke to his disciples were intended to give them courage in the face of trouble and suffering. There would be trouble. There would be suffering. He didn’t deny it nor tell them to not be afraid of it. But He did tell them to take courage in the midst of it. Not based on the troubles and sufferings not hurting them, or even killing them…He pointed them to the greater good. They can take courage, go into the world, live in the world, and be with the people of the world and minister to them and love them and forgive them because “HE HAS CONQUERED THE WORLD!”

Living so pensively and in selfish introspection has taken my mind off of everyone around me. Fear took away my ability to love. It took away my ability to serve. It took away my ability to just be me. Plain ‘ole me.

I’m not real sure how to just keep walking out of this dungeon, and I feel a little bit childish even saying a lot of these things. But they are what they are and I am who I am.

So…here we go.

resonance

res-o-nate (origin: 1870-75; <>resonatus)—verb: to amplify vocal sound by the sympathetic vibration of air in certain cavities and bony structures. syn. echo, oscillate, reproduce, reverberate, ring, sound, vibrate.

i’ve never been to a nascar race…or drag race, or busch series or whatever. it’s just not my thing. but, i hear tales of such events. i hear how the low rumble of the engines takes life inside your chest and goes beyond the sound of engines into the physical rumbling of bones and organs. i also understand this to be the experience of a shuttle lift off, or a building detonation. the physical movement and physics of the event actually cause a simultaneous resonance in the body.

i’m convinced that this happens when we see, hear, or experience a life that is common to our own. when we are in the presence of experiences which are familiar to us, there are emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical resonances that we experience. we see this in movies as we cry along, identifying with sadness, and laughing or smiling as we identify with joy and happiness. we identify with fear and, in turn, get scared.

spiritually this happens as we see joy in a baptism, seeing our own as a happy moment we in turn feel happiness for the one newly baptized. when death comes to a Christian, we feel sadness because death is, indeed, a sad event, but simultaneously we feel joy because we know that there is ultimate healing to come and that this person is with the Great Physician.

but there are those who see baptism and cannot have happiness, or those who see the death of a Christian and cannot, for the life of them, see hope or joy...there is no resonance. the sound of joy is not bouncing off the walls of their spirit. because they have no joy of their own.

over the past three days i have received more emails and messages than i know what to do with. some of them are messages of encouragement, appreciation, or "wow, what the heck?" but there have been numerous emails of people telling me their own story. specifically their story of failing and falling...followed by their story of redemption. in reading my story there was a resonance inside of them. they felt the loss i felt, they understood the pain i had, they experienced sin as i did...but more importantly they experienced freedom from sin, joy in restoration, the joy of forgiveness and the hope of life everlasting. when all of these things happen, sharing the story only reinforces the grace that saved you in the first place. it brings joy to hear of it and, in turn, it brings joy to share it.

this evening i wrote to a friend who shared with me his struggles and Christ's forgiveness. and with all sincerity i'll share here what i shared with him, "nothing cheers my heart more than to see sin conquered and redemption occur. God's glory in your story has only just begun." and it's true!! these past few days have brought a tremendous amount of joy to my heart. to see person after person relate their story of how God saved them from the pit of their own personal hell is remarkable!!! i am indeed so fortunate to be able to smile and maybe even do a little dance (inside my head, of course) at the extent of God's grace and compassion.

the way i've seen it

i have seen countless numbers of people over the past few years find freedom from their sin and pain. and for everyone i've seen find this freedom, it has begun, each and every time, with their confession of the state they're in. everyone of them would tell you that only by freeing themselves of the burden of lies and walking in the light of truth...has change actually occurred. many of them found freedom for a season, only to fall back into the very thing that was destroying them....alcohol, drugs, pornography, abuse, anger, adultery, violence, and the list goes on. it's not the hardest thing you'll go through....but it is the hardest place to start.

most of you who read this and find yourself in one of these categories may not ever speak of it. you'll continue to suffer pain, burden, loss and depression. trust me on this one thing...it won't go away and it will never get better.

here's why:

"cursed is the man who trusts in mankind, and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord. for he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but willlive i n stony wastes in the wilderness....the heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. who can understand it?" jeremiah 17:6,9

relying on ourselves has produced nothing but pain and chaos. for us and for all around us. you know this to be true because that one phrase resonates so deeply. it's not how it's supposed to be. it's not right. you say that to yourself over and over, "is this what life is? is this whati'm living for?" yes, it is....if you're doing it YOUR way.

a better way?

"confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed." james 5:16

and more

"if we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 john 1:9


the context of that verse in 1 john is light vs. darkness. to live as though you have no sin, or that you have no struggles, or that there is nothing wrong is a lie. it's walking in darkness. "if we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth." 1 john 1:6 you cannot live a truthful life without confession. there is no such thing in the bible as "private repentance." peter, after denying Jesus publicly confessed. thomas , after doubting Jesus, publicly confessed His Lordship. Paul, after approving murder found every opportunity he could to confess his sin and the grace that saved him from it. "if we walk in the light [truth] as He Himself is in the light [truth], we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." 1 john 1:7 confession not only restores our relationship with God...it restores our relationships with people....spouses, children, parents, siblings....even exes and those we've injured. God's grace reaches beyond what we have done and can, in fact, give us the chance to be forgiven and to forgive.

how do i start?

men: email me. call me. message me. i'll hear you out and give you a safe place to start. if not me then find a man that you trust. perhaps one who's been there before and knows grace. women: find a kindred spirit. a woman you can go to as a mother or sister. full of grace and truth.

whoever it is and wherever....the key is confession. get that burden OFF!! relief, forgiveness, joy and restoration is found ONLY in Jesus Christ and He calls you repent and believe.

He is faithful. He will do it.

He promises He will...and so do i.

a chapter closed

words usually fail when describing moments that we cherish. our children's births, our wedding day, etc...for me it was the day i was able to go back to the place least expected. three years and three months ago i was excommunicated from the first baptist church of parker, texas, on grounds of adultery. the deeper, more pervasive sin was my full on deceit about who i was when i called myself "christian," but the other was more tangible, more identifiable. it was born out of the deceit and the ultimate reason for it. in the end, i was removed from fellowship. they broke all contact with me. most see that as harsh and not "loving." to me it was the most loving thing they could have done. they did it right. they did it well. and on 11/15/2009, at 1:15pm, i was able to look them all in the eye and say "thank you."

the following is my testimony. it's actually more my life story and so it's a little bit long. it's not what was exactly said this afternoon but with this many of you will understand to a greater degree what they already knew to be true. it's a little lengthy, but my hope and prayer is that if you do read it, perhaps you will be either encouraged in your walk with Christ or, if you need it, an exhortation to deal with the sin that so easily entangles before you get to the point where i was three years ago.

God bless you.

my story as i've seen it:

It has become increasingly intriguing to me how we relish the idea of “stories.” We read books, watch movies and TV . . . we even have “our shows” which we schedule for each week or watch all at once. We even claim a right to manipulate the stories because the producers and writers sometimes stink . . . we tell bedtime stories to our children and grandchildren, and facebook has basically made us into web voyeurs, watching the stories of our “friends” play out on an LCD. We have an inherent desire to safely walk in the shoes of others. We want to walk where others have already walked. We like the road most traveled and mapped out roads are the easy roads, roads of low risk and a relative escape from pain.

The Christian’s story, however, is anything but safe.

Throughout the years I have had the privilege of listening to many of them. Each of them has been unique yet in a place and time that is close to my own. These stories have not been a place for escapism and pleasure, they have been, instead, places of pain and struggle. Each story, while unique to the storyteller, has in a way been my own story played out with different characters, in different places, and for different reasons. And these stories, or what we more commonly refer to as testimonies, are stories of redemption, and inherent in the Christian’s story, unlike other stories, is a natural mirror where we, as Christians, end up seeing ourselves and our stories being played out in the corners of our minds as we listen. Each individual story is also a part of a larger story; a story of which we are all a part and in which we all have a voice. The following is my story and I have seen different reactions to it: surprise, sympathy, anger, judgment, compassion, pity, empathy, and so on. In my flesh I try to see these ahead of time, miss the hard ones and target the good ones. This is selfish, and instead my prayer ought to be that as I relate my story to you that you will find your mirror, wherever it may be, and see the work of Christ in your own life and worship Him as a response to His love and grace. This is the only response acceptable to any account of God’s love and grace in the life of any of His children, and it is my prayer that it will be yours.

Henri Nouwen's book The Return of the Prodigal Son is based on a painting by Rembrandt of the same title. It changed Nouwen's life.

For me, it was Mozart.

On a cool Thursday night, in November of 2006, I laid down to sleep for what I believed to be the last time. This sleep was going to be an eternal sleep. I wasn’t taking my life, I was simply convinced that it was going to be taken from me. I brushed my teeth, I changed my clothes, I readied my bed, and I put on a CD. I lied down in bed completely at ease. No fear. No emotion. Just the truth and acceptance of what was about to happen. As I was lying there I listened to the words of the music on the stereo. It was Mozart’s Requiem. His, “mass for the dead.” Fitting, I thought, for the night that was about to ensue. A little dramatic? Maybe. But when you’re that alone and that ready to say goodbye . . . all you want is what’s real. And for me, death was real. It was the only thing that was real.
The only part of the Requiem that rang over and over in my head that night were the first three stanzas of the Lacrimosa . . . the same three stanzas that sent Mozart running out of his final rehearsal before he died. They read like this:

Mournful that day
When from the dust shall rise
Guilty man to be judged

So there I was. Mournful. Guilty. And about to be judged.

Three and a half months before this night was a Monday. I was sitting at home, awaiting a phone call from a friend to make plans to go out for wings, when there was a knock on my door. I opened the door to 5 men, men I knew, and men who in that moment made my heart sink into the pit of my stomach with such fervor that I nearly became sick. Although unexpected, I knew why they were there. Turning around to face the inside of the house I saw my wife already taking our then 4.5 and 3 year old children upstairs. She knew too. She had called them there.

This was the beginning of the loneliness.

The 5 men were from my church. One was the pastor and the other 4 men that he, and the church, highly respected, devout men, lovers of Jesus, seekers of the Truth. Men you should fear. And I did.

They asked me to leave. They were there to see that my wife and children were cared for, in a safe place, and their every need attended to. So, I left. I drove and I drove and I drove and I drove. And I went nowhere. That tends to be the place we most often end up when we run . . . nowhere. I finally settled on a little park near my home and waited. For 2 hours I waited. Have you ever waited to hear the worst news you could possibly hear? No surprises, you know it’s coming but nobody will say it? If you haven’t, it’s nothing short of awful. Those two hours felt like being chained to the bottom of the deep end of a pool, able to come up high enough to see my last breath but not actually take it.

The phone call came, and my lungs reacted as though I had just hit cold water. I met the men in the pastor’s office at the church. “Your wife has left you. She is with friends. Your children are with her. Do not contact them. Do not try to find them. Go home, we’ll be in touch.”

And that was it. No more. No less.

The left me with my thoughts, and they did it on purpose.

I went home and I went directly to my son’s room. I lost control of my knees and sobbing I fell to the floor. I began pounding the floor with my fist, saying “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” over and over again. I was begging for things to be different, begging to have them there with me, begging for the opportunity to take back the last 10 years of my life. I screamed into the dark void of a Godless night and begged for the opportunity to take back 10 years of lies . . . 8 years of neglectful marriage . . . 5 years of fake ministry . . . and 2 extramarital affairs spanning a total of 4 years.

Phil. 3:4-6 says:
“put no confidence in the flesh, although I myself might have confidence even in the flesh. If anyone else has a mind to put confidence in the flesh, I far more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the nation of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the Law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to the righteousness which is in the law, found blameless.”

I was born in Houston, TX. Feb. 24th, 1975. Both of my parents are still living and still married. I have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother. I was raised in a Christian home where my father was a deacon and my mother in the choir. I was in church 3 times a week for the first 18 years of my life . . . the same church, for the first 18 years of my life. I confessed Christ when I was 9 and for the next 9 years was the model Christian child. I was a leader in the youth group and an advocate for Christ at my schools. In high school I decided that full time ministry was my future. I was leading worship, bible studies, and was a “go to guy” for most of what we did. My family had a reputation of the “model Christian family” and for the most part we were. We had our struggles, but all in all . . . it was good. Except for me.

I was introduced to pornography at 9, about the same time I felt neglected by my father. I developed a sinful craving that was never satiated and so I fed the craving however I could. I grew more and more distant from my father especially as I saw him taking what I perceived to be more of an interest in my younger brother than me. Resentment ensued and I clung harder and faster to relationships outside of my family. My intimate relationships were numerous and always serious, casual dating wasn’t something I was interested in. I needed the connection. I needed my needs to be met and I sought relationships that could do that, manipulating them to fit my needs. All the while outwardly being the model Christian boy. Typical struggles? Maybe. Maybe not.

I went to college at a small, private Baptist university in central TX where I double majored in literature and religion. I was the worship leader for a bible study on Thursday nights which ran anywhere from 100 to 300 in attendance and I did this for 3.5 years. During that time I met my future wife and pursued with her a relationship which was outwardly godly but privately sinful. We were married in the summer of 1998 and the following year I started at Dallas Theological Seminary with two of my closest friends. There we had the reputation of being “forefront thinkers.” A little “ahead of the curve” in terms of what was being taught. Expectations were a little higher. At least, I thought they were. My wife was teaching and I was going to school, and it was here . . . in a mecca for Christian study and preparation for ministry that I truly died. I still had a craving for relationship, and because my marriage was based on my selfish needs and not a desire to freely give and cherish and love and exhort her, my attention turned else where and I became involved in what was at first an emotional affair then later physical. The dualistic life continued and now to an even greater degree. I was living 2 lives. The seminarian, the good Christian, the youth pastor, the decent husband life . . . and the sinful life of an adulterer.

I graduated seminary in 02, 8 months after the birth of Benjamin, my son. I was in ministry at the time and the first affair was with someone at the church I was working at. During this time, the time in seminary and 2 years afterwards, I was well aware of my sin. It haunted me every night when I lied down next to my wife, as I picked up my children, as I taught scripture . . . as I prayed. I was also well aware of my status in my family, at my church, with my friends, in my “circle” . . . and being as how I always had a fear of disappointing someone I had only one option and that was to lie. And I was good at it. It would be said by someone years later, after all of this had happened, that it’s possible that one of 2 things were true: I was either so lost in sin and without God that I had no moral compass at all and therefore lying on a whim at any moment, each moment trying to cover up the last . . . or I was psychologically broken, that my brain actually believed there to be multiple life situations that were completely separate from each other and that’s how I functioned in them. Who knows, but at any given moment I could cover up 1 lie with two or three other, non-related lies and completely cover myself. I was good. Too good. And I knew it.

In August of 2004 we left that church. I was actually “let go” because the staff didn’t think I was reaching enough youth, but I knew and God knew that He was actually just protecting the congregation there. We went to another church, now with 2 children, not to work but to attend. My two friends, previously mentioned were there, and a host of other people I soon got to know quite well, including the pastor. Early 2005 marked the end of the first affair. For the rest of that year I fully believed I was scot free. No one knew, it never came out, and it was over. I did it!!! I actually accomplished it. Whooda thunk? I was still living the lie of a wonderful Christian man, but the guilt was not as heavy. I was working 60 hours a week and had no relationship with Christ, an empty one with my wife, and for the most part locked out my friends.

September of 2005 I started stressing out. I don’t really know why, but I did. I was still looking for authentic relationships and in Dec. of ’05 became involved with a co-worker and thus my second affair. The lies picked up right where they left off. And all the while I was getting more involved at church, staking more of a reputation, and all around me . . . my wife, my kids, my best friends, my pastor, my church, my family back home . . . clueless. All of them absolutely clueless.

And then came August 7th, the knocks on my door, and the 5 men . . . it was the day after my daughter’s 3rd birthday. The beginning of August is always bittersweet for me.

The day after the knocks on my door and the meeting in the pastor’s office, I received an email stating that I was to come to the pastor’s house to discuss things. At this point, they still don’t know what’s going on in my life currently or what had happened in the past. At best they have an inkling of something not being right or a very advanced educated guess. My wife had found some mildly incriminating evidence. It wasn’t enough for outright guilt, but enough to cause some concern. So, because they didn’t exactly know, I had a choice to make. “Do I confess? Or do I perpetuate the lie. I’ve gotten this far. Why wouldn’t I be able to go farther?”

1 john 1.10 says:
“if we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.”

While sitting on a couch, surrounded by the 5 men, an interrogation began. Questions of what’s and who’s and how’s and why’s . . . an interrogation that I was expecting, and just an hour earlier had decided in my heart to go along with. The pain of my heart, the outright anguish of fear and pride and selfishness and lying and lust had taken its toll. Even if it wasn’t for the right “spiritual reason” or for the sake of saving my marriage, I had decided to let it out. All of it. For 10 or so years I had been saving my own life. Covering up the truth with lies to “save face” and to show everyone around just how good I was. It had proved to be too much. My soul was crushed, my mind was void of truth, and my body was in survival mode . . . whoever I truly ever was had vanished and had been consumed by what I had become. I was no longer a son, a brother, a friend, a father, or a husband. I felt as though I was nothing.

After about an hour, my head was pounding from the tears. Multiple times we had to stop so I could catch my breath, often times not breathing for what seemed like eons. But for the first time in my life . . . somebody knew something. The proverbial weight lifted off of me, and I physically felt as though something actually lifted off my shoulders

Then my pastor asked me to follow him.

I followed him through his kitchen and down a short, dark hallway into his study. When I entered the room the weight which had just been lifted off came crashing down with the force of what felt like all of the judgment of God pressed by His own hand down directly onto my soul. Across the room, on a couch, sat my wife, with my pastor’s wife close by her side.

In the next few moments I confessed everything I had just said to the men, directly to her. Uncontrollably weeping she nearly fell to the floor. Uncontrollably weeping I nearly fell to the floor. Hell. It’s the only word there is.

We returned to the living room. More questions. More confession. And another trip to the back. This walk was longer. This walk was harder. This walk was darker. This walk was the walk of a man to his execution. Unlike the last time, I knew what awaited me.

I cannot tell you what ten years of torment being piled upon you all at once feels like. And I cannot tell you what 10 years of lies and betrayal from the one you trusted most does to your heart. But I can tell you what it looks like . . . and if I never see that look again it would be too soon.

I left there and went home, exhausted. Relieved. Anxious. Afraid. Hopeful. Desperate . . . and alone

Nouwen writes in The Return of the Prodigal Son:
True loneliness comes when we have lost all sense of having things in common.

The following Sunday I was excommunicated from the church. They held a service which has been reported to me as being akin to a funeral service. “a brother is dead,” would have been the mantra. No one was to contact me. I was cut off completely. I was a severed limb from the body of Christ. And that chapter closed. Except for my family back home, all that I had known for 30 years was gone. Friends. Family. Church. Respect. . . . all gone. All in a moment.

About a week later I saw and spoke to my wife and kids for the first time. It was a tearful reunion. I was served divorce papers in early September and it was final the first of Novermber, just before the evening of Mozart and only three months after it all started. Those three months I lived in sin. Completely alone, and left by nearly everyone I knew, I turned to a sinful relationship, the only thing I knew. All of the confession, all of the tears, all of the pain and all of the “I’m sorries” . . . self seeking and empty. True repentance had not come.

Then came Mozart . . . and things began to change.

Another Nouwen quote:
“that voice called me ‘son.’ [but] the anguish of abandonment was so biting that it was hard, almost impossible, to believe that voice.

I obviously woke up the morning I wasn’t supposed to, and shortly after that two old friends found me and invested in me. One a friend of 17 years and one of 18, did what no one else had . . . they played the part of the prodigal son’s father. Throughout the rest of 2006 and through 2007 and into 2008, these two men walked with me. I made a ton of mistakes, sinned, fell, got up, walked, fell again . . . yet they never wavered. I made baby steps towards repentance and a true relationship with Christ. They were patient with me when they needed to be, harsh when they needed to be, and always loving.

Then, on an early February day, after a series of events and mistakes that had me leave the church I was attending, while driving a long stretch of road between McKinney and Frisco, God and I had a fight. Listening to a sermon on grace I began to feel hate for the idea of it boiling up inside of me. It repulsed me, and I let God know it. I had been working so hard for righteousness, to be what Christians are supposed to be. All of this church I was now attending, and bible I was reading, and bible studies, and service and church and more church and more service and more bible was all adding up in my head and in one swift movement my hand came crashing down onto the steering wheel in three quick movements along with a screaming exclamation . . . “I GIVE UP!!” I quit. I was done with this game of church. I no longer wanted it. I was done with the prayer. I wasn’t good at it anyway. Everything I did failed. Everything I was doing to be what everyone else was telling me I needed to be had gotten the best of me and I did not like what I was becoming. So, I told God. And I quit. I crossed my arms, stuck out my bottom lip, took my ball, and went home.

In that moment, on that road, in that car, and with tears streaming down my face he placed his hands on my bruised and broken soul . . . gently . . . firmly. He kissed the top of my dirty head and said “good, now I can do My work.” Just as in one moment he had taken everything away, he gave me new life and everything I would ever need. Grace.

A dear friend of mine, shortly before my car conversion, gave me a CD with a song on it containing these lyrics.

Son, you're trying to earn
What is far beyond you
Son, you're trying to earn
What is freely given

Every time that you try to just reduce
This to a give and take
You spit in my face
And tell Me that this blood was shed in vain


I began seeing a counselor and attending a recovery program. Although much like AA and other addiction therapy programs, this one was Christ centered and biblically focused. Hearing the stories of countless others and their struggles. . . . drugs, sex, alcohol, abuse, rape, anger, adultery . . . those having both committed and been sinned against, i found out what it truly meant to live freely. The process to see it wasn’t easy, taking an inventory of my life, digging deeper than I really cared to, in order to find the real reason why I chose to sin the way I did. There was more junk in there than I cared to see . . . but to be free of it gives me hope for a future.

Yet another Nouwen quote:
A step toward the platform where the father embraces his kneeling son. It is the place of light, the place of truth, the place of love. It is the place where I so much want to be, but am so fearful of being. It is the place where I will receive all I desire, all that I ever hoped for, all that I will ever need, but it is also the place where I have to let go of all I most want to hold on to. It is the place that confronts me with the fact that truly accepting love, forgiveness, and healing is often much harder than giving it. It is the place beyond earning, deserving, and rewarding. It is the place of surrender and compete trust.


Living free means confessing sin. “I goofed” or “oops, I did it again” is not confession. I have learned that confession comes from a contrite heart . . . a heart that gives up all that he is (the son) and reduces his own stock to that of something much less (a hired servant). That is humility. That is confession.

Living free means giving up and then taking hold. I have learned that the truly repentant person will not simply give up sin; he will instead run and cling to Christ. If this doesn’t happen, he is not truly repentant.

Living free means realizing that it isn’t about me. Living free means believing that everything that I’ve have been through is the vehicle that will bring glory to my God. Living free means being me, letting others see me being me, and giving up every pretentious bone in my body. It’s not about me. God isn’t circling around me, making my salvation about me so I can be praised, and applauded. God is the center of it all . . . with us circling around Him, loving Him, worshiping Him, serving Him, enjoying His presence and showing others life outside the dark cave of their sin . . . showing men who know only of dark, the sun that rises in the morning.

Living free means that I must see my life on the path of becoming the father in the story of the prodigal son. Receiving with love and compassion the lost and hurting. Redemption and reconciliation. We are all the prodigal and we are all the older brother. But we are all called to be the father.

So, where am I now?

I have made amends with most of those I have sinned against, and attempted with the rest. I have given up the pretentious life of the “good Christian,” having found it displeasing and useless. I am re-learning what I believe. In fact I am relearning what it means to believe. I’m taking my seminary education and letting it penetrate my heart and mind, a road I should have traveled years ago. I’ve spent the better part of two years, with friends, pastors, and family, in both discussion and debate, trying to decide what I believe about divorce and re-marriage . . . still working on that one. (wink wink, nudge nudge). And in all of that I have learned to no longer come to scripture with my life questions, looking for answers in proof texts. Instead I try to come to scripture in search of Christ and have been amazed at the questions that have been answered. I still struggle; temptations are real and present and always will be. Jesus promised me this. But he also promised me that if I draw near to Him . . . gosh that is SO key . . . that He will draw near to me. The ultimate relationship. So I am drawing near as best I can.

I am also thankful, and I’ll finish with this:

1. I am thankful for my friends who through perseverance and love did not quit until God broke me. A good friend does not let you get away with sin.

2. I am thankful for my church. A recommendation brought me to Christ church . . . coffee with 2 priests kept me there. I saw compassion, truth, and hope in those 2 men. I had not seen that for a long, long time with regards to church staff.

3. I am thankful for the 5 men that knocked on my door, especially the pastor. Ironically, it was the last time I saw compassion, truth, and hope from church staff. Most people who hear my story do not look so favorably on those 5 men. Most feel as if their tactics and practice were harsh, out dated, fundamentalist, even mean. But for the past 2 years I have been their best advocate and defending them and their actions to all who challenge it. They acted biblically . . . “they expelled the immoral brother” of 1 Corinthians. They were not fighting me they were fighting sin. Open and heinous sin. This past October I met with those 5 men and shared with them my life and what Christ had done in it. I left that same office where they told me my wife had left me, with an embrace from each one. Loving and gentle . . . 5 fathers welcoming home the prodigal son. You see, they let me go . . . in hopes that Christ would bring me back. If only more men would have such backbone. If only more men would have the backbone in their own lives and families.

4. I am thankful for my children. BLESSINGS!!! Words cannot describe what these two angels mean to me. Through them God has raked me over the coals. About 2 months after the knocks on my door my then 4.5 year old son, Benjamin, asked me, “why did you lie to mommy?” At 4.5 he understood sin, that I committed it, and he needed to know why. My heart broke. Every time my daughter Cait looks at me I melt. For everything that I have done so wrong how can they still look at me as though I hung the moon?

5. I am thankful for my ex-wife. A year after the divorce was final, in November of 2007, she and I went to dinner. She looked me in the eye and with small, silent tears said, “I forgive you. completely.” She was the true father in this prodigal story. Last year, in November (do you see a pattern?) She remarried. She married a man who loves my kids and who, in turn, love him. I am thankful for him, too.

6. And lastly, I am thankful for you, and for anyone who will sit and listen to my story. Not because I need you to or necessarily want you to. It doesn’t really paint me in the best light. But the opportunity to share what Christ has done for me . . . about how He let me go to squander my life, my mind, my body, and my soul and then after all of my sin so gently lay his hands upon me, and bless me. I want you to feel the same touch, the same grace, the same freedom . . . the same love. I could have said much more about my story. I left some out due to time and details to protect others, but I am more than willing to take you to get a cup of coffee and share more, or even hear your story, which I would love to do. Each day adds one more to the story of His grace, and no number of books written could contain all that He has done in my heart.

The focus of it all is the glory of God. My story is only the tiniest fraction of the whole story of redemption, played out through all of time unto God’s glory. It’s why I exist. It’s why you exist. It’s why Jesus came and did what He did. And it’s why we must embrace it . . . beating, cross, blood, death . . . all looking forward to our future resurrection. I couldn’t think of a better time to let God get hold of you.

I’m still a work in progress. Trying to serve my God and my church. I love my new friends and cannot wait to see what relationships transpire. Thank you again for being here . . . and for listening.

the kingdom and the church

just about a week ago, a friend posed this question, "what is the Church here for?" simple, to the point, and too complex to digest. i gave an answer, in my mind satisfactorily, but since then it has been ever present on my thoughts throughout the past week. my answer, "to be salt and light in the world."

it's a good answer because all i really did was quote the bible. but it's an answer that has haunted me because i became increasingly aware that i wasn't sure if i could fill in all the holes that it left. sure, no one answer can be complete. outside of just saying "Jesus," what answer can we give that is not lacking in some respect or another? but it's been on my mind and heart to at least attempt and answer, a more complete one, so at the very least i myself can move forward as i try to find my place in the church, world, and community in which i live.

so, here goes...(this is from the mind of a confessed simpleton on these matters....still trying to figure it all out. there's stuff missing....but i feel this to be the heart of the matter)

growing up the church was our place of worship, our place of outreach, our place of service, and our home away from home. it was on the corner of 5th and wood and over time grew to 4 buildings. pastors, ministries, events and services, it was what i knew to be "church." it wasn't until much later that i realized that the church was a living, breathing organism that was growing, learning, falling, getting back up, serving, living....it was very much the collective version of a normal human life. only, it was a group. a group of millions that was one.

the church has had it's moments....good and bad. from the brutality of the crusades to the height of the reformation, from the early church's hard-line stance on heresy to the late church's embracing of it. our members have fallen from great heights (i can bear testimony) and our members have lived lives of service to our God....jonathan edwards, john calvin, john wesley, charles h. spurgeon, st. francis of assisi, st. augustine, and the list goes on and on. but what is it that marks us? what is it that screams to the world, "we are the church of the living God!"?

at the beginning of His ministry, Christ proclaimed the kingdom of God. He said that it was near (Mark 14.15) and that man's response was to be repentance and belief. repentance from sin, and a belief in Jesus....the Son of God. Messiah. King.

Jews at the time, and to this day, were looking for Messiah...the chosen one. He was to be the son of david. david, until the time of Messiah, was hailed as the king of kings, the greatest to have lived. Messiah would take up that name, King of kings, Lord of lords, and bear it like no other, not even David himself. when Jesus came, he hailed Himself the chosen one. King. Lord. Messiah. the kingdom of God had come, and so had it's king. like the arthurian legend centuries later, Jesus was the King who came to save a nation from the tyranny of its enemies. as was promised.

only, Jesus had other plans. instead of freeing Israel from the tyranny of Rome, it's militant enemy, Jesus proclaimed that He had come to save them from their real enemy....sin. "the kingdom of God has come, repent (turn from the real enemy and follow the real kingdom) and believe!" the Jews were supposed to get this. the slavery of sin and its freedom (exodus from egypt).....baptism and passing through the waters (the red sea)....it was what they had lived and known for thousands of years, now truly come to pass. a real defeat of the real enemy that bulls and goats could not cover through the sacrificial system. but they didn't, and they still seek.

but what of those who did hear and follow? who are they, what are they to do? they are the church and Jesus admonishes them to do many things. "go, make disciples", "be holy as I am holy," "be the salt of the earth, and a light on a hill."

as the church we are to be set apart from the world (this is what it means to be holy), not perfect, not sin free, but holy. the church is different from the world and we are to look different: in our actions, in our attitudes, in our desires, in our goals, in our families, in our personal relationships. our lives should simply speak, "Jesus." that word may not always come out, but the meaning is the same. people will see grace, mercy, justice, and above all love.. the world will see a family loving each other and those around it. it will see a people devoted to something other than themselves.

how do we do this? how do we set ourselves apart? we make disciples. "go, make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them (there's the going through water out of slavery) in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit." (Matthew 28:19) disciples are in a different kingdom and need to learn what it's like to live in that kingdom. a kingdom of grace. a kingdom of mercy. a kingdom of love. it is a "come as you are" kingdom, but once here things change. repentance happens, lives transform, the image of Christ takes on meaning and identification in the Church comes to life. the church needs to be about teaching it's citizens how to live in it. it needs to make priority of making followers of Jesus who are salt, and light.

salt is a preservative and a flavor enhancer. it lasts when everything around it is bad and it takes what is bland and gives it life for the palate. the christian does the same. it is preserved when sin abounds, when evil is everywhere, and when death seems all the rage. it also gives a life and taste to an otherwise dead world. sin is gross, despicable, and upsetting to the stomach. the salty christian is the flavor to a bland world. "salt is good; but if the salt becomes unsalty, with what will you make it salty again?" (Mark 9:50) the church must ensure the saltiness of its members....without salt, the church is useless. true, there are those who will turn and run desiring no more to be salty, and instead run after more fleeting and desirable flavors that do not last. but the church must rise up underneath them, be strong in the midst of those who turn away, and continue to nourish, flavor, and salt its members.

light. it shines in dark places. and any light, in any dark place, makes the darkness go away. the church is not to hide itself in the caverns of its buildings. it must make itself visible to all who can see it. the church is not a building on the corner, it is a myriad of tiny lights who together illumine the darkness of this fallen world. "you are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden." (Matthew 5:14) our light must be visible. it must be in communities and workplaces, golf courses and classrooms, birthday parties and bars. but the key, the most important thing, is that if we are to be light then we cannot be darkness! obvious, right? then we should, as the church, be keeping each other in the light by actively keeping each other out of darkness. this does two things: 1) it makes us shine where there is no light and 2) it keeps us salty. if we are to be a difference in this world we have to be these two things. if we are truly to bring glory to the God that we say deserves all glory then we must tell the world of our King and do it by representing Him in the world.

we do that with salt and light.

everything else follows: ministry to the homeless flows out of the love that Christ had for the afflicted and outcast.....we do this by being like Him. ministry to those in addiction flows from the love that Jesus showed to drunkards....we do this by being like Him. ministry to the sick flows from a heart that healed too many to count.....we do this by being like Him.

how do we become more like Him? "let us draw near [to Christ] with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water (out of slavery, again). let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering....and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds" (hebrews 10.23-24, italics mine). we do it by pushing on without evil, by holding fast to Him whom we have believed, and we spur each other on to love and good deeds.

fleshing it out looks different from community to community....but in the end it should look the same.....

"the church is the representation of the Kingdom of God on earth, His representative to the world by virtue of it's being salt and light and in so being brings Glory to God and draws the world to Him."

Be Still and Know

from august 1st until august 5th i am going to be in the mountains of colorado, sitting by a couple of small trout lakes at about 12,000 ft above sea level. this is the first "vacation" i've had in years. time away from work and life as i know it is long over due...and i am looking to be refreshed and renewed. but aside from my time off and relaxation, this trip meets me with providence. 4 months ago my sister and brother in law bought me plane tickets for my birthday, specifically for this trip. at that point, this was simply a time to get away, a gesture of kindness and love from my family. one that i appreciate deeply, am humbled by, and needed very badly. but God works in, under, around, and through our deeds. providence has set this trip, at this time, for very specific reasons. God has been working on my heart, breaking me down bit by bit, giving me moments of reflection, conviction, joy, humility, patience, etc, etc. it seems to me that the work He has been doing is coming to its denouement very soon. i feel a crux in front of me. in climbing terms, it's the moment that is hardest, most difficult to navigate, and the one move that will "do you in." but if you get over the crux, you're home free and all is gold. the rest of the climb is still hard, and there is still work to be done...but everyone has their crux.

i am praying for 5 things in particular this week, 5 specific things that i need help praying for. if you feel led and convicted to pray along with me, i covet your prayers...i need the prayers of the saints. this is what i am praying for:

1. Saturday, August 1st: that i may see more clearly the majesty of God. i want to see the God that i worship manifested in the creation that will be surrounding me. i'll be reading psalm 104.

2. Sunday, August 2nd: that in solitude i will experience Jesus as not just Savior, but also brother and friend.
i'll be reading Isaiah 41:8,9; John 15: 12-17

3. Monday, August 3rd: that through struggle i will find joy, that in the spiritual valley i will dance with joy. i will be reading Isaiah 55:9-12.

4. Tuesday, August 4th: that i will grow a passionate vision for my life as it pertains to my testimony for the kingdom. i.e. what does God have for my life and testimony? i will be reading 1 Thessalonians 3:12,13; Jeremiah 20: 9; & Romans 11:29

5. Wednesday, August 5th: that in whatever He calls me to...daily life, professional life, relationships, and solitude....faithful obedience will be my theme. i will be reading Micah 6:6-8.

thank you all for your love. both toward me and our God.

"...may the Lord cause you to increase and abound in love for one another, and for all men, just as we also do for you; so that He may establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father at the coming of our Lord with all His saints." 1 Thess. 3:12,13