truth and restoration

two years ago i was dismissed from the church i was attending. well, "dismissed" is putting it lightly. "ejected" is more like it. excommunicated, thrown out . . . however you choose to label it, it was legitimate. the way i was living life, the sin i was involved in, the overall deception of "who i was" ended in abruption. i call it the "advent of truth." in one moment, one punctual moment of extreme unction, all truth was brought out of me. like violent vomit, truth was pulled forth from my innermost being and was spewed all over all that knew me . . . or all who thought they did.

at the heart of it all, it was my lying heart that produced the deceit which fooled all who knew me.
my friends: best friends. friends of 15, 20 and even 30 years were completely oblivious to my life and lies.
my family: those who raised me, who taught me most of what i know . . . completely fooled.
my church: these are the ones who accepted me at their table. who dined with me, confessed with me . . . worshiped with me. deceived . . . each and every one of them.

no one ever said, "i KNEW it" or "i told you so" . . . the deception was full. complete. sin made a home in me and lived as king of my castle.

what i've seen

i can point my finger at just about any church and find a fault in it. from theology, to practice, to staff, to members . . . they've all got something wrong inside. i can point my finger at people, at each individual i know and show you weakness after weakness, sin after sin. i can virtually condemn them in my mind to the depths of hell. it's not hard . . . you do it too. and what i've seen is that there are very few who will turn their hand and point the other direction. very few men will have the (pardon the phrase) balls to lower themselves to the point of truth and confession. very few women will humble themselves to the truth of the sin in their lives. each and every one of us have, at one time or another, lied down in our beds at night with the weight of our day laying heavy on our chest. we know we have sinned. we know we have hurt those around us. we know we are slowly destroying lives. we know we are not pursuing the God of our creation. but we choose the selfish ambitions of success, love, dead ends, and fleeting happiness for "the now". i call "the now" our human born desire for immediate satisfaction. that's what it was for me. i needed to be pleased in the moment. i was not willing to work for the long term satisfaction of a faithful marriage, but instead turned to the affections of the moment . . . and lost all that i was not willing to fight for. and the fight, i have seen, is a fight within ourselves. i have seen people give up on themselves and therefore destroy not only themselves but all that they care about. i have seen people, when the decision is placed in front of them like a true/false question on a 7th grade sociology test they choose "false" at the exact moment they know that "true" is the correct answer. men and women, every day, choose to fail.

it is only when those men and women stop fighting for themselves that they actually succeed. Jesus said "I am the way, the truth, and the life." we as human sinners must give up the fight of trying to fight for our own lives. we must stop thinking of our own needs but instead the needs of others. we must stop the selfish ambition of monetary success, an adequate and acceptable love life, and winning "dad of the year." the God of the universe is concerned with only one thing . . . do you love Him? truth says i did not. no matter how much i said i did, or pretended i did . . . i didn't . . . and i was absolutely miserable. but when the truth came out that i was a fraud, a fake, a liar and an emotional extortionist . . . i was set free to a life of joy and happiness in the small things that make life worth living. just read all the stories of Jesus having prostitutes over for dinner . . . He's affectionate and pursuant of those such as me (those such as us).

by the Grace of God i am where i am today. loving Him, wanting to serve Him, restored by friends and family . . . even the church who so lovingly "dismissed" me from their presence has with open arms received me back as "brother." and it all happened with "truth."

who are you? where have you come from? what are you doing? answer truthfully. answer them with the expectation that "you shall know the truth . . . and the truth shall set you free."

hind-site

i've seen birth and i've seen death. i've seen joy and i've seen madness. i've seen humility and i've seen pride. i've seen selfishness and i've seen sacrifice.

i've seen families unified and families broken. i've seen fathers love and fathers leave, mothers hope and mothers despair, children trust and children doubt.

i've seen rich and i've seen poor, pretentious and selfless, educated and ignorant.

i've seen churches worship and i've seen churches fall. i've seen pastors preach and pastors practice, leaders lead and leaders sin. i've seen man bear God's image and i've seen man tear it down.

and at different places along the way i've seen it all, at one point or another, crawl into the back pocket of my life. taking it out and dusting it off i'd like to take the things i've seen and look for the answers to the questions that we've felt it too hard to ask.