resolutions

for the past couple of months i have been using Jonathan Edwards' Resolutions as a catalyst for meditation and prayer. i started them around the new year....thinking it was a good time for "resolutions".... and have been slowly making my way through them. this morning's resolution struck me as particularly pertinent to recent conversations regarding my testimony, and for that matter, everyone's testimony.

Resolved, that I will live so as I shall wish I had done when I come to die.

most of you, if not all of you, who are reading this have read or know my testimony. and many of you have asked me the question, "would you take it all back if you could?"

yes.

and no.

yes because i hurt more people than i can count and offended to the greatest degree the one, true God. sin is inexcusable and any and every occasion to not sin should be and must be taken. so, yes, i would take it back.

and no because through the whole ordeal Christ found me. if you know my theology you know i believe in a sovereign God who is in complete control of all things, and the road my life went down is no exception. even though i was not with Him, He was in it every step of the way. in it and through it He found me. i will even go so far as to say that He specifically had me walk that road so He could find me in it. knowing and planning all along my fall and redemption, all to the ultimate end of His glory of His grace. i am solely responsible for all of my sin, and He for all the grace of saving me from it. i did all the sinning, and Christ did all the work for cleansing that sin. those were our roles in the story. i am the sinner, Christ the redeemer, and God the Father the giver of life...receiver of glory.

so Edwards' resolution? where i have been is the back story and necessary for what is most important...how, by His grace, i am living today and how today impacts how i live tomorrow. many wonder if i will fail again in the same way i failed before. my only response can be that i am human and outside of the grace and mercy of our loving God i am capable (and even sure) of evil things. but being held inside His grace i am promised in scripture that i am "controlled by the love of Christ" (2 cor. 5:14), and that His Spirit has "sealed me for the day of redemption" (eph. 1:14), and that i am being "conformed into the likeness of His Son." (rom. 8:29) outside of Christ, no, i don't stand a chance. but He has promised these things to those who are His and we can with confidence believe in His promises.

it is my resolution, along with Edwards, that i live the life i would want to look back upon and be thankful for. by the grace of God, and by the love that powers it, i will.

need

"It is His unending search for us that makes this thing work."

children.

it's what we are.

we need to be told the same things over and over and over again and we still, all grown up and mature, don't get it....

"He must become greater; i must become less." john the baptist
i laughed a little bit last night at how ridiculous i can be as i thought about how often i weigh the needs of myself against the needs of others. and even more so how i weigh my own needs over the desires God has for my life. how often i find myself saying, "i need ____, i really need _____, if i could just get ____," and all the while i completely forget that i NEED Christ. why is it that our "pressing" needs of money, food, shelter and love completely overshadow the innate and glaring emptiness of Christ in our lives? i'm not talking so much about redemption (although it is obviously true), i'm referring more to my own lack of discipline in seeking him out on a daily basis. call it a quiet time, call it devotions, call it prayer time...call it whatever you want. having "one of those" isn't required. what IS required is devotion. what IS required is prayer. the root of the issue, for me, isn't that i don't have those times set aside, it's the root of the issue that my mind and heart don't automatically desire it all of the time. much of the time, at least lately, it seems they don't. i have become greater...He has become less.

what i've seen

this phenomenon comes and goes. some days/weeks i seem to be pretty ok, trusting faithfully and walking a faithful walk. and other days/weeks i'm not sure where i am. i end up feeling lost and not quite sure which way is up. i soon forget that i'm even lost and give up looking for a way out. i get slothful and lazy, wasting time on trivial things and not engaging my mind or body. spiraling downwards i finally end up feeling like i have just "come to" and asking, "where am i? how did i get here?" and, like a child, i cannot remember what it was i was told the last time i got into this mess. i get frustrated that i cannot figure it out, "i think i should pray, yeah, that's probably it." and then when i do i don't know what to say. the ceiling comes down to about nose level as i look up and all the words seem to go no further than my lips, floating all around me and then popping like little spiritual bubbles. it's frustrating. UGH!

so, last night, i composed a prayer that i'm going to carry around with me for when i feel like this. i prayed it last night and at least i felt like it went somewhere. it's simple and it's shallow....but it's honest:

"i don't know what to say or how to pray.

my desires are too often for my flesh...selfish...seeking my own gain.

how do i change my thoughts? how do Your desires become my own?

so many years of sinful living have made my thoughts a storehouse of sin...like a drug habit i cannot break, or an addiction i cannot overcome.

this, again, i confess to You. this, again, is sin bringing me despair and the feeling of helpless hopelessness.

yet i know that in You there is hope and with You there is help.

Lord, this is my time of need: i am so caught up in myself that i cannot see You, feel You, or hear You.

Lord, this is my need: that you open my ears, that You open my eyes, and that You awaken once more the stone heart in my chest and make it alive to You.

Lord, this is my most desperate need: more than money, more than someone to love me, more than peace of mind regarding my future and my past....

....my need is You.

find me....because i don't know where to look for You."