father knows best pt. ii

about one week ago, my son and i were having "boys day."  my daughter was with her mommy and so benjamin and i were out to do "boy" things.  rock climbing, mcdonald's, etc.  while we were in the car we listened to all the songs he wanted to listen to and sing along with and chatted it up.  during a lull in our conversation a song came on that i liked but that he didn't know to well.  i turned it up a little bit and sang along as he sat in the back seat, staring out the window as he listened to his goofy father sing along.  at the end of the song i asked him if he liked it.  he said, "of course i do daddy...it's yours."

what i've seen

i don't know that i can say with too much confidence that i say that to my heavenly father.  how many of us take what God gives us and say, "of course i like it daddy, it's yours." what selfless motivation!!  what joy in other's joy!!  my son did not like the song because he liked the tune or the words, the story or the harmony . . . he's 6, he doesn't know of such things.  he liked it simply because it was one that i liked.  then it dawned on me . . . every song i play for my children they sing along with and laugh and scream simply because i did first!  i am so selfish!!

i have seen my life take a route of selfishness.  even in salvation i'm so quick to thank my Father when his gifts suit me . . . not often to i take the time to thank Him for the hardest of times, the difficulties and the pains of life.  not often to i say to Him, "Daddy, if our most joyful times are in the depths of the darkest valleys then rush me down to them...that i may curl up in you and sleep in peace."  not often to i thank Him for molding my character through trial.  and even rarer (if ever) do i actually ask for Him to mold it as He wills.  i would much rather have times of peace and prosperity and so very often to i covet them.  every day i covet them.

my son is my joy.  my daughter is my joy.  i am their joy.  and it is beginning to break me down . . . in a good way.  like a child i must go to my father.  with complete abandon---of finances, of stability, of peace, of happiness---i must abandon it all and with then empty arms embrace the savior of my soul and realize that He's the Savior of every other part of my life as well . . .

father knows best

on my "man bag" is a little leather bracelet with block letters which spell out "DADDY."  i don't have it there as a reminder of how i need to live in order to maintain that relationship with my children.  i don't carry it with me as a conversation starter or a feel good token because everything else in my life has gone up in proverbial flame.  i carry it with me as a "brag book."  inside those five letters is a tome of stories, anecdotes, tears, events, and various sundry moments which no other father has except me.  other fathers in other times have similar stories, but no other father has these stories.  no other father took this son to baseball games. no other father took this daughter to a father/daughter ball.  no other father taught this boy to hit a pitch, and no other father brushes this girl's hair.  but the bragging doesn't come in what i get from the amazing and unending privileges i have with my children, and it's not to brag about their amazing accomplishments as they grow by leaps and bounds each and every day.  it's not so much who they are to me as it is who i am to them.  no other father has this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty drop her toys and with full smile in place run to me and scream "daddy" . . . for no apparent reason other than that she simply can.  and no other father has the surprise of his breath taken away by his 6 year old boy, who has out grown this kissing and cuddles, wrap his arms around his neck, squeeze the life out of him, smile and then run away to do what boys do . . . all the while looking back so he can make sure i'm still watching him smile, and laugh, and run.  

what i've seen

children adore their parents and in most cases a parent can "do no wrong."  when in every adult's eye we have turned the world over on its axis, children are resilient and still hold us high up, adoring all that we do.  but with age reality's perception changes and we are seen as human, fallible, and full of sin.  and it's this perception, not of others but of ourselves, that we carry into our spiritual lives.  most christians i know ca remember the vigor with which their conversion took hold.  Jesus was like a new boyfriend or girlfriend who we couldn't wait to show off . . . at prayer meetings, rallies, bible studies, "commitment services."  and we loved our new found love.  we now had someone there when no one else was, a "daddy" to do good things for, to say good things about, to sing for in our loudest voices . . . and all the while looking back to make sure that he was still there, smiling.  

but then we understand the reality of sin.  we understand that we really have screwed up this life He gave us.  that we have gone off and given ourselves to other Gods . . . and in fact, if we were really honest, are giving ourselves to other Gods on a daily basis.  and how do we respond?  history tells of my own life and i have heard countless stories of others, of how we retreat from the same God who we so wantingly ran to in the beginning.  we hide ourselves amidst the trees of the garden, ashamed of our failure and crossing our fingers that father won't find us.  but with the gentility and wisdom that only fathers have, He calls to us to come to Him.  it was not God who makes us hide in shame, it is we who hide ourselves.  and we do so because we have forgotten that Father knows best.

Our Father calls to us in our brokenness and sin to come to Him because He knows that it is the only place where we can find restoration.  He does not call us to come to Him so He can lash us or yell at us.  He calls for us to come to Him so He can restore us!  He calls for the broken sinner to come and be fixed.  He calls for the lonely sinner to come and find relationship.  He calls for the dying sinner to come to Him and find life.  He calls and says, "son, daughter do not forget the cross.  do not forget the way I have made for you to come to me.  it is not a way of shame and guilt.  it is not a way of humiliation and grief.  the cross is the way to freedom and peace.  the cross is the way to restoration and joy.  in the cross I have made possible everything which you are longing for . . . come to Me, sinner, and I will make you well."

how many times do we here Jesus say this?  and how many times do we not turn to Him?  instead we play our silly little games.  we put on our church faces, say amazing prayers, give biblical insights which make others "ooo" and "awe," hold positions of ministry and charity and all the while know nothing of intimacy with our Father.  we have, for years, neglected the opportunity to crawl up in his lap . . . just because we can.

i cannot speculate into the heart and mind of God, i've been foolish enough to do that before, i can only look into my own and hope to glean morsels from it.  if my daughter or my son ever sent me an email, or a letter, or a coloring book picture and from afar said, "i cannot come to you.  i cannot run to you and wrap my arms around you.  i cannot smile at you as i run and play . . . because i do not think that you will smile back.  i must be your son, your daughter, from far away.  when i fix things . . . i'll come back . . ." i would more than likely fall into a heap and weep . . . just like i did when i thought that i could not be a father to my children because i was unfit . . . i lost it.  on the floor of their bedrooms i cried like a baby at the thought of never seeing them again.  the moment is seared into my memory.

God is bigger than that.  He is not swayed by circumstantial emotion and whimsical fancies . . . but give me the freedom to speculate that He desires those whom He gave his Son to die for to run to Him in their sin that He may restore them in all gentleness and truth.  why would i speculate such things?  because it seems to me that there is an eternal bracelet which He has that says "DADDY" on it.  not because we are awesome children . . . we've all proved that to be wrong . . . but because in one moment, when all of heaven and earth come to a standstill, every knee will bow and look up to Him and He will say "because I have loved these, my children, and I have saved them, and I have cleansed them of their sin" . . . and all of us, all who are His, will run to Him faster than we've ever run before and grab tighter than we've ever grabbed before and for all eternity never let go.

the question i keep asking myself is, "why don't i do that now?"

  

not one of the cool kids

i've adopted a phrase at work and in life wherein i declare someone "one of the cool kids."  i think it stems from my lifelong goal of actually being associated with that particular group.  all through middle school and high school i envied the status of some of my classmates.  i'm pretty sure i'm preaching to the choir on this point.  we all had that sensation as pre-adults . . . not quite "fitting in," and if we did fit in we probably wanted to fit in somewhere else.  i guess you could say there was a proverbial greener grass on the other side of the social fence.  some of us got there, some of us never did . . . but the sad reality is that many of us still find ourselves pining after status.  whether it's at work as we position ourselves for a promotion, in relationships as we prove to others that we are worthy of friendship and love, or at church as we put on our sunday best to go along with our sunday smiles, our deepest and darkest closets stay in the deepest and darkest recesses of our lives, hiding the deepest and darkest secrets we wish for no one to know.  "my church can't know those thoughts that i think, those things that i lust after, the uncontrollable anger i harbor . . ." and the list goes on and on . . . gluttony, adultery, theft.  aw heck, who am i kidding? it's not that bad right?  perhaps little-bitty sins like buying the shirt i didn't need, skimping a little on my tithe check.  we assume the best in people . . . if we're in church then we're "ok."  we're one of the cool kids.  

 

what i've seen   

 

better yet, after reading the above paragraph ask any number of the people i grew up with what they were thinking when they found out about my life.  ask them what they've seen and ask them how the truth of my life impacted their view of "the cool kids."  what they will tell you, hopefully, is that nothing is at all what it seems.  they will tell you, hopefully, that it's the itty-bitty sins that are covering up the true heart of the matter.  they will tell you, hopefully, that if chris could have understood when he was young what it meant that "Jesus hung out with sinners," then maybe he wouldn't be where he is today.  well, i am where i am.  and i'll tell you a little of why.

 

i couldn't make confession of my weakness.  every little thing; a lie, a doubt, a disbelief, began to be covered up by the next little thing.  eventually, it snowballed into an avalanche i couldn't control.  i couldn't admit that i was weak.  i couldn't admit that i doubted.  i couldn't admit that everything i was living out loud was nothing at all like what was going on inside.  i couldn't admit that i was a sinner and that i was in desperate need of saving.

 

one thing i've come to understand, and now come to see as sad, is that when we find sin in the church we are often shocked by it.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer notes:

 

He who is alone with his sins is utterly alone.  It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness.  The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, the do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners.  The pious fellowship permits now\one to be a sinner.  So everyone must conceal his sin from himself and from their fellowship.  We dare not be sinners.  Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous.  So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy.  The fact is that we are sinners.

 

Brennan Manning adds: 

 

At Sunday worship, as in every dimension of our existence, many of us pretend to believe  we are sinners.  Consequently, all we can do is pretend  to believe we have been forgiven.  As a result, our whole spiritual life is pseudo-repentance and pseudo-bliss.

 

WOW!  that was me to a "T."  [an aside:  granted, there are those in the church, (like i was)  living full-on lives of hypocrisy and fraud.  So yes, there are times when “shock” is not only acceptable but human and necessary.   my point is that too many christians are not open about their sin, their struggles, their tendencies and hang-ups.  so when it does all come tumbling down, it’s like perfection went falling into the abyss . . . why do we see each other as faultless (unless we don’t like someone then all they have are faults, but i digress]   i wonder how many people feel the way manning described it as they lie down at night.  when the darkness of night descends do our hearts ascend to peace and joy?  when the dawn rises with a new sun do our minds rise to another day of joyfully pondering the cross?  or do we hide in our daily lives, our children, and our jobs . . . our church?

 

2,000 years ago you're walking down the streets of israel and Jesus is coming the other direction inviting people to come to dinner. when you and He cross paths does He invite you over?  does he pass you by for the man on the side of the road?  what's the criterion?  and this is when i realized what joy there is in embracing my place as a sinner at the foot of a merciful and gracious God.  it was at the moment when i knew that i desperately needed to have supper with Jesus, that i needed to be at His table hanging on His every word, when i was at a cross roads--one direction a beginning, the other an end--that i reached out as He was passing by and i screamed out, "SAVE ME, FOR I AM A SINNER!"  

 

i gave up.  i quit pretending.  i stopped being who i thought i was and started living the truth.  Jesus invited prostitutes right off the street . . . not the ones doing it in secret.  he invited the hated tax collector . . . right after the took the widows last mite.  he invited the drunkards  . . . smack in the middle of a binge.  it was for these that he came . . . the losers, the vagabonds, the ragamuffins.  

 

Jesus didn't come for the cool kids.