my prayers are more groping in darkness than basking in light.
my thoughts are more placid meanderings in uncertainty than driven faith.
my actions are grounded in momentary flits rather than consistent, active obedience . . .
perhaps like the apostles as they waited in that dark period of days with no teacher. no messiah. no friend. we have tiny glimpses of what life was like for those days between Jesus' death and resurrection. a burial. a waiting in the upper room. a trip to the tomb for final preparations to the body. but we all know that the worst times, the darkest and most alone, are the times between the busyness. when all we do is sit idle in our chairs, wishing we could mow a lawn, or balance a budget. but instead we must sit alone with our thoughts, such terrible company. it has been recently, for me, thoughts of uncertain futures. guessing games of relationship and career. and my thoughts are not kind . . . mostly because i am selfish.
what i've seen
Christ has shown me the past couple of days why it is that i sometimes need to sit alone with those thoughts. it's because i never did it all those years ago. i think the Lord is teaching me to struggle. like jacob He is inviting me to wrestle with Him . . . because for so long all i did was wrestle with myself. it is no bad thing to wrestle with the Almighty and lose. jacob lost, and in his losing he won. the pains of a hard fought time of reflection and meditation, of recounting time's spent and finding Christ in our everyday experiences are pains that reap reward. over and over i have seen the fruits of hard fought relationships. relationships that seem on the brink have been saved because each party was willing to put aside selfish ambition and seek the other's gain. and that is what Christ has shown me. and this is what He's said,
"friend, brother . . . i will fight to make this work. i have conquered death. i have conquered sin. i have conquered the grave and all that darkness thinks it has claimed. and i will conquer you, too. your selfishness i will overcome with kindness, your pride will be destroyed by humility, your fears will be calmed and dispelled by my word. you will see life and you will see it abundantly."
it is a fight that i long to lose. i will not completely lose until i see Him face to face . . . but each and every day, as i fight against my sin, as i implore Him to manifest Himself in ways that i cannot deny, as i ask Him for bread and not rocks, for fish and not snakes, as i reach out and take a fist full of His cloak as He pins me to the ground and i say, "i will not let go until you bless me," . . . i find yet another blessing waiting in the dislocation of my life. the gnarled, ugly, and beat up life that has been covered in Grace.
