30 December, 2009

Fear

I’ve had a nag, and I’ve had it for a few weeks now.

To start, you’re all familiar with the phrase, “I have this nagging feeling that…”. It’s like a premonition, a gut instinct that we get when we know something is wrong, or about to go wrong, but we can’t quite put our finger on it. It’s a sort of emotional déjà vu but before the event/”thing” actually happens. It’s often paralyzing, consuming our thoughts and taking focus away from daily tasks or our relationships. It can take us into the pensive place of the investigator, probing all options and looking for clues as to what will happen, what we might have missed, and the root of it all, “why am I feeling this way?”

Some deep emotions were revived in me a few weeks ago with regards to my past, emotions that I had consciously buried in an attempt to get past them and “move on.” For the past couple of years this has been, for the most part, successful. Life flowed just fine, I could work effectively, friendships were maintained as well as relationships with family. I was coasting fairly peacefully. But lurking below the surface, in a dungeon mostly forgotten, with prisoners only the warden was aware of…a jailbreak was being planned.

As these emotions rose up again and began to invade my daily thoughts, and as instances in my life gave reminders of the past, I started having that nagging feeling that something wasn’t right…and I didn’t at all like the way I felt. It started consuming me more and more. I didn’t want to talk to friends for fear that they would bring up even more of these feelings. I started to take all of me down the winding, dark, concrete stairs into the dungeon. Halfway through my descent I was met halfway by a bulrush of emotion. I couldn’t fight this one. I was helpless.

Two nights before Christmas I had a horrible night’s sleep. I woke up every 45 minutes or so and tossed and turned all night. During the night, somewhere in the middle of one of my “naps,” I had one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had. The dream involved only two people; me and one of my dearest friends. In the dream, my friend was vehemently accusing me of “crimes” committed. It wasn’t loving, it wasn’t friendly, and it sure as heck wasn’t nice. I remember him yelling, pointing his finger, telling me how absolutely awful I was, how my guilt was so glaringly evident to all…his words came across like judgment, and in my dream I felt like a sentenced felon. But the hurtful part, the part that was “nightmarish,” was I believed whole heartedly that this friend had forgiven me everything…and here he was accusing where there was already forgiveness. In my dream it was faith destroying…when I woke up, I had some serious stuff to deal with.

Being forced into dealing with “that nagging feeling” wasn’t the greatest but it was necessary. It seems that many times God has shown me my need by showing me how desperately sick I am when left to myself. (Jeremiah 17:9) It didn’t take me long to start putting the puzzle pieces together…and the dungeon started coming to light. And what rose out of it was the silent character in my life….Fear.

To tell a soldier he need not be afraid of the enemy, of bullets near his head, or bombs falling on top of him, seems silly. Of course he will fear these things…they can kill him and, if not, perhaps seriously injure him. The idea, of course, is to keep the soldier fighting, to convince him to run headlong into these threats despite fear. There aren’t too many soldiers looking for death or pain, and not many of them hope it comes to them. Mankind, in general, takes an unkindly position on situations that cause them harm. What the soldier needs to understand, and in actuality be completely convinced and convicted about, is that his sacrifice is for a greater good. Putting the needs of the many above the one is a cause the true soldier will gladly confront death for. It is a selfless, humble act for his country.

Fear is our mind’s natural reaction to negative stimuli. To be afraid of things that may cause you harm is built in as a survival tool. Instances happen to us in our life that are negative, when we see those happening again Fear kicks in because our minds do not want to have to have the renewed experience.

Fear is what had gripped me so tightly. I’m not a fearful person. I have no known phobias or the like, but in the case of confronting my own demons, my own emotions, and my own future…I was paralyzed by Fear. As my mind re-lived the pain and hurt I went through for years, as well as the pain I caused others, I became fearful. My mind and heart began to close down because I didn’t want to go through it again.

As I look back over the past couple of years, and specifically over the past few months, I can see Fear seeping its way into my daily life. I have been afraid to develop deep, lasting relationships, pursue new avenues in my life, and sometimes even go out in public. I was afraid to meet new people and I would stand in the corner at parties. It is debilitating…and a little bit embarrassing.

I was the prisoner inside the cell. Fear was the warden on the outside, holding the keys. My selfish tendencies to protect myself were keeping me “safe”…out of sight, out of mind. The only association I would make with people, better yet, the only time I was willing to let myself be vulnerable, was when people actually came down into my cell to visit me. It was always on my terms, in my words, in my cell. The love, grace, and forgiveness I have experienced has always been on that level. First and foremost with Jesus. He did not require me to come out and find him. He found me in my dead, sinful state and breathed life into my then lifeless heart. Others followed suit: Friends, family, children, and churches…they all reached out a hand to me, to love and to forgive.

And I came to expect it to always be that way…

And now, for the first time, I see that my cell is open. The warden is there, but he has no keys. He looks at me, like an enemy waiting to attack, and he’s giving me an option. I can pull the door shut, closing myself inside the cell again and wait for people to come to me, on my terms, in my cell, or, I can walk out, confront Him head on and take the grace, love, and forgiveness that others have given me and use it to live in the world.

I fear the pain. I don’t want it. My inclination is to run against it and avoid it at all cost. This isn’t an option.

“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble and suffering, but take courage – I have conquered the world.” John 16.33

The words Jesus spoke to his disciples were intended to give them courage in the face of trouble and suffering. There would be trouble. There would be suffering. He didn’t deny it nor tell them to not be afraid of it. But He did tell them to take courage in the midst of it. Not based on the troubles and sufferings not hurting them, or even killing them…He pointed them to the greater good. They can take courage, go into the world, live in the world, and be with the people of the world and minister to them and love them and forgive them because “HE HAS CONQUERED THE WORLD!”

Living so pensively and in selfish introspection has taken my mind off of everyone around me. Fear took away my ability to love. It took away my ability to serve. It took away my ability to just be me. Plain ‘ole me.

I’m not real sure how to just keep walking out of this dungeon, and I feel a little bit childish even saying a lot of these things. But they are what they are and I am who I am.

So…here we go.