march haiku

the wind is restless.

pacing between two futures.

winter's hold.  spring's push.

letting go

i never really cease to amaze myself.  it seems like i spend most of my time trying to get over all of my selfish ambitions.  fixing problems, self motivating, trying to be more disciplined . . . it's all a circular struggle of trying to let go of everything i've been . . . things that are "wrong" with me.  in a recent self-pity party -- you know, the party you invite no one too but then get livid when no one shows up -- i realized that humanity does this in all our areas of life.  we tend to spend a lot of our time trying to "let go" of bad habits, and usually to no avail.  we also spend a lot of time "letting go" of bad or past relationships, only to find ourselves in the midst of them again, not knowing why but kicking ourselves for allowing it to happen.  we say we need to stop worrying, "let go and let God," citing that it is a matter of faith and trust . . . "it's not getting better because i have little faith," " i need to trust God more."  yes, you do and i do.  but we will always need to trust God more.  how many times did Jesus say, "you of little faith?"  God knows that we're lacking in this area.  

but that's not necessarily the bad news.

what i've seen 

i'm not so sure it's faith that's hard for us.  i can't speak for everyone, really i can speak for no one but myself.  and what i've seen in my life is the fact that my real issue with letting go isn't the letting go part . . . it's the "clinging to something different" part.  in His sermon on the mount, Jesus gives us insight into man's relationship with money.  He says, "no one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will hold to one and despise the other.  You cannot serve God and money."  it's not an issue of faith it's an issue of service.  granted, the two are tied together, but stretch this out into the practical issues of money and then beyond.  we serve money because money serves us.  we work 60 hr weeks because we get a return on our investment.  a pretty immediate one at that.  work now and in two weeks you'll see the fruit of your labor.  we like that.  and we're selfish about it.  working is good, providing food and shelter for families is a godly charaterstic.  but do you serve it?  Jesus tells us not to store up for ourselves treasures on earth, but rather treasures in heaven.  one rots, one does not.  the question is not whether or not you should work, but who you're clinging to.  in your passions, where is Christ in comparison to your income?  if a call goes out to either defend your faith or your income . . . whom do you defend?  do you defend the God who saves you or the money that buys you?  in His sermon, Jesus follows this one statement with many about anxiety . . . about worrying what you will have or not have.  "if i defend my faith, and follow Christ at the risk of losing my job . . . how will i eat? how will we live? where will my income come from?"  i've learned that if i have these questions, i know it might be time to examine my heart.

stretching it into other areas of life, why do we have such a hard time letting go?  for me it's because i'm letting go of something familiar, comfortable, close, and tangible . . . no matter how destructive i know that it is.  in Galatians, Paul writes in a similar vein that Jesus spoke, "for am i now seeking the favor of men, or of God?  or am i striving to please men?  if i were still trying to please men, i would not be a bond-servant of Christ."  it took me a long time to learn a hard lesson that the phrase "pleasing men" usually has more to do with pleasing myself than any other man.  we may not do things to please second or third parties . . . but how often do we do things to gain our own self approval or our own self worth?  relationships are where i have seen this played out in my own life.  so many of the relationships that i have had in the past have been beneficial for me because many of my "needs" were met . . . although all along they were some of the most destructive forces i have seen in my lifetime.  but i didn't want to let go.  i had "delusions of grandeur" that possibly in the future all could be made right, that i could fix what was wrong with them and make everything great.  letting go of these relationships was not done over night, and in some cases it is still a struggle.  but i could not even begin the struggle until i decided that i would cling to Christ instead of the relationship.  instead of investing in a hurtful relationship i had to invest myself in Christ and in relationships that were healthy.  i had to dead bolt the door on the relationship, no matter how bad it hurt, and run headlong into Christ.  it was only then that my heart began to free up, and Godly, fruitful, wonderful relationships began to flower in my life.  when i was consumed with a selfish and hurtful relationships i had no eyes to see the others.  i had to close my eyes to them, and only then were they opened to the others.

the same principle applies to other areas of our lives as well.  we just don't have the capacity to easily let go of one . . . and cling to the other.

more than this, and for me this was the crux of the issue, i had to hate the one before i could love the other.  before i could love my Savior i had to hate sin.  before i could be passionate about Him i had to shun what was not His.  and that, for me, came down to selfishness.  for you it may be something else, but in the end it is sin that keeps us from clinging to Christ.  it is having a comfort and need for something other than Him.  i still find myself clinging to my selfish passions . . . but by grace and patient love God is showing me that He is so much more brilliantly beautiful than anything that i could manufacture on my own.  

don't just let go . . . cling to Christ.