grace untouched

there is a grace bouncing in and around my life that i both never see or feel. yet it still heals. still loves. still saves.

it is the same grace experienced by the Roman centurion of Luke 7. the centurion: a hundred in his command, victories in battle, worthy of both honor and rank. a roman's roman. a leader and a patriot. and luke tells us, a lover of Israel. a different attitude towards those most Roman's found a "necessary evil" in society. and perhaps the same, perhaps a step further...he was concerned about the health of a servant. in his position he probably had many, and could have gotten another one had he chosen to. but he didn't. he sent those he trusted to Jesus so that his servant could be healed. and Jesus, upon their testimony, came. as Jesus approached more men from the soldier came, this time his friends. they told Jesus that he need not come any further, that if he just spoke the words the servant would be healed. the centurion understood who Jesus was and what He had power over. just as he had power over one hundred men....Jesus had power over sickness.

what i've seen

i've struggled lately with an inferiority complex. given the choices i've made and the direction i chose to take my life, my level of self-forgiveness and motivation often waxes and wanes with the tides of life. the past couple of weeks have been high tide....with the water coming in so close i felt as though i were drowning in guilt and self-loathing. like the centurion, i have felt helpless, for years now, over the last stronghold i thought i had to conquer in my life before i could feel free from all of my yesterdays. i have seen joy and forgiveness happen right before my eyes as though from behind a glass. apart and out of reach. but unlike the centurion, my faith lacks the power to say to Jesus, "from afar you can make me well." how often have i NOT given Jesus the opportunity to make me well from a distance?

but even more, and where i most differ from the centurion, is that he does not presume upon Jesus to make his servant well. he finds himself so unworthy of the presence of Jesus that he does not expect a healing or try to make a power play with his position to gain an audience with Jesus...he leaves it all up to Jesus and His will. for so long i have presumed that i know what is best for me and my life...what things need to happen in order to be free and secure. in my world, Jesus must come all the way...on my terms, under my roof, for my needs. and it did not dawn on me until today that i need not worry about Jesus coming all the way and i especially do not need to try to coerce Him too. i need to simply be more like the centurion and see that grace does not operate out of obligation or entitlement. grace operates out of love.

if Jesus were to have grace on my heart and mind in terms of this portion of my recovery then i will rejoice in it. but if He does not choose to show mercy how i would like to see it, i must understand and take joy in the grace He has given me thus far....and though he may not choose to heal in the way that i want or am looking for, He still loves me and will still heal me.....

on His terms, on His motivation, and in His time.

and like the centurion i must have faith that He can do it from a distance.

"satisfy us in the morning with Your loyal love!
then we will shout for joy and be happy all our days!"